Missing
by eorocks
Summary: A short story about Olivia and Elliot, after Elliot leaves SVU.
1. Chapter 1

"You fucking bitch!"

Olivia had been called a bitch more often then she could count, and most often, she let it roll of her, knowing she had a suspect cornered. But not with this case…this suspect…this fucking _day_. She was across the room in seconds, looming over the suspect, and she took satisfaction in the way he actually shrank back, a look of surprise and fear on his face. "You're lucky I don't tear your fucking face off…fucking castrate you…for what you did to those women! No one in here would stop me! They would probably give me a goddamn medal for taking another animal off the street! I'd be a fucking hero!" She was screaming in his face, her knuckles white against the table. Her voice was almost a growl…animalistic…and she knew she was out of control. She didn't give a damn. "They'd probably give me a fucking medal…"

"Detective!"

Cragen's voice rang loudly as he burst into the interrogation room. Olivia still loomed over the suspect, itching to take a fist to his face…to knock the chair over and get him on the ground. Take out all of her anger and frustration on someone that most likely deserved every blow she'd deliver.

"Detective!" Cragen said her name again in a tone that let her know he wasn't messing around.

"Liv." Fin said, his voice quiet and calm. He put a hand on her shoulder and she straightened up. She shrugged off his hand and swallowed hard, continuing to stare down at the suspect. For his part, he didn't say a word and didn't change the expression on his face. If he had sneered or smirked, she wasn't certain what she would have done.

"Come on." Fin said.

Olivia looked back at him briefly, seeing an expression of concern on his face and she hated it. She wanted to wipe that look off his face. Off everyone's goddamned face. She was sick of it.

"Detective. My office." Cragen opened the door to the interrogation room and stood to the side, indicating she should go ahead of him.

Olivia saw Rollins standing outside the door, and she knew that she was giving Olivia space before she took her place in interrogation. Olivia stared at her and Rollins looked down at the floor. Olivia felt a pang of guilt…but it passed quickly. She stormed out of interrogation and headed towards her desk. She needed to get the hell out of this squad room. Out of this building. She felt like she was suffocating.

Olivia saw Amaro look up as she stalked up to her desk, but she looked away. She didn't need any questions from him right now. She whipped open her top drawer to grab her purse when she was interrupted by Cragen.

"Where do you think you're going?" he asked. "I think I told you to meet me in my office. And I know you wouldn't disobey a direct order."

Olivia hesitated for a moment, really thinking about it. She was still angry, and she did not want to lose her shit in front of Cragen. The tension was palpable, and she glanced up at Nick, and saw he was watching her with a wary eye. She let out a heavy sigh and dropped her purse back into the drawer. She slammed the drawer shut, knowing it was a childish thing to do, but she couldn't seem to help herself. As she walked towards Cragen's office, she didn't look at him or at Nick, and when she was inside, she sat down in one of the chairs and stared straight ahead, waiting for his speech of disapproval and disappointment.

Cragen cleared his desk and turned to face her, but Olivia kept her focus on a spot behind him. She knew she wouldn't be able to handle whatever expression he wore on his face. It would be compassion or pity or disappointment…but not the anger she craved right now. The anger she could handle.

"Liv." Cragen said quietly. He waited a full minute before he spoke again. "Olivia."

Olivia sighed and slowly shifted her eyes to meet his. She decided to go on the offensive. "You know he raped and murdered those women." She said, her voice still tinged with anger.

"We don't need a confession. We have DNA."

Olivia hated his calm tone.

"I would still like to hear him say it. Tell us why."

"You know there's never a reason you and I can understand, or that will make it alright. It won't bring his victims back or ease their family's pain."

Olivia clenched her jaw because he was absolutely right.

"Do you want to tell me what that was really about in there?"

Olivia looked away, picking imagined lint off her black pants.

To his credit, Cragen didn't wait for an answer. "You're a good cop Olivia. My best detective. Maybe even one of NYPD's best." He waited a beat. "Even without Elliot."

Olivia's head snapped up at the mention of his name…a name that was rarely spoken since the moment he'd walked out the door. Everyone in the squad had avoided mentioning him, even the newbies. There was some unspoken rule, or maybe everyone was afraid of her reaction. It was almost as if he had died…

For all intents and purposes…he had.

"I know that." She snapped.

"Then when are you going to get out of this funk and start doing your job?"

Olivia was happy to have a target for her anger. "How am I not doing my job?" She hadn't missed a day of work…hadn't messed up a case. "Huh?"

Cragen seemingly ignored her question and shifted gears. "Amaro. He's a good cop. He would be a good partner if you let him."

Olivia looked away.

"And Rollins too. They need your guidance…the benefit of your experience. Your leadership. You know damn well that coming into SVU is hard." Cragen's voice was demanding, and Olivia looked back at him. "Remember your first year here? How many times you got too close to a case? How many times you wondered if it was worth it? How you had to learn to deal with the things you saw?" He paused. "Who got you through that?"

Olivia narrowed her eyes, daring him to say his name.

Cragen didn't hesitate. "Your partner. Elliot."

He paused for a moment, but Olivia didn't give him the satisfaction of reacting.

"I'm relying on Fin to take Amanda under his wing and help her ease into this. And I need you to do the same with Nick." He sighed heavily as he sat down in his chair. "Things change. It sucks. And I wish I knew what to say to you, or what to do to make things right, but I can't. This is between you and Elliot." He paused for a moment, letting that sink in. Then he shook his head slightly. "I need you here Olivia. _All_ of you."

"I'm trying." Olivia said, feeling her anger give way to sadness. "I just…" _It was too much_. Twelve years of working side by side…of knowing all the details of each other's lives…of being completely in tune with each other's thoughts and feelings…and then…

 _Nothing._

Cragen didn't understand. Couldn't understand.

She couldn't be 100% present…she couldn't be whole…when half of her was missing.

EOEOEOEOEO

Nick stood up when Olivia came flying out of Cragen's office. He walked over to her desk as she stood there, blind-sided by Cragen's demand. _Take a week…two if you need it…to decide what you want to do. If your heart is still in SVU. Talk to Huang…talk to someone. But figure it out. When you walk back through that door, you either need to decide to stay, and be the cop I know you can be, or you need to hand in your resignation._

"You okay?" He asked quietly, looking around to make sure others couldn't hear him.

Olivia looked up at Nick, and she felt another stab of guilt. Nick was a nice guy, and a good cop. She knew she hadn't really given him a chance, but it had all felt so temporary in her mind. Even after Cragen had told her that Elliot had turned in his papers, she hadn't been able to wrap her head around the idea of a new partner.

She knew that what she failed to appreciate is that he seemed to understand that all the changes were an adjustment for her, and he'd been patient. More than he should have needed to be. He and Fin and Cragen, and even Rollins. She had just been wrapped up in her own misery.

She stood and placed an arm on his. "I'm fine Nick. I'm…" She shook her head lightly. "I'm going to take some time off." She gave him a small smile. "It's way overdue…" She wanted to tell him that she was going to be a better partner to him when she came back, but she didn't know if she could promise him that.

Nick gave her a big grin, seemingly unphased by her news. "I'm glad. You deserve a vacation." He said. "You work too hard." He walked back over towards his desk. As he turned to sit down, he looked up at her, another big grin on his face. "Do something fun, but don't call me to bail you out." He teased.

Olivia appreciated his attempt to make it seem like everything was normal…that he wasn't reading between the lines.

The moment Nick was back in his chair, Fin wandered over. "The big man tell you to take some time off?" He asked, his voice low and hushed.

Olivia cherished her friendship with Fin. He knew exactly what was going on with her and had let her know that he was there for her without constantly asking her how she was doing or if she was ok. She had needed that comfort, even if she'd never taken him up on it. Fin was the one person in the squad she could be honest with. "Yeah."

"I think that's good Liv. You need some time to figure things out. Get your head back in the game."

"Apparently so."

"Nah, it's not like that. No one thinks you're not doing your job. It's just…" He shrugged. "Your hearts just not in it."

She could feel an unasked question as he hesitated, but to his credit, he didn't ask. He'd already asked her if she'd talked to Elliot enough times and received a negative response. He knew better than to ask again…and he knew it wasn't any of his business.

"If you need to talk Liv, you know you can call me any time. Day or night."

Olivia wanted to reach over and hug him, but she knew he'd hate it. She pressed her lips together and gave him a smile. "Thanks." She patted his arm. "You're a good friend."

Olivia grabbed her purse as he walked away. She took one last look around the squad room, her eyes lighting on Elliot's empty desk for a few seconds, before she pushed her chair in and walked out of SVU.

EOEOEOEO

Olivia tossed and turned in her bed, frustrated with the dreams and thoughts that continued to taunt her and kept her from sleeping through the night. The first month that Elliot had been gone, she'd had nightmares about the day in the squad room…the haunted look in his eyes as he'd knelt by Jenna Fox and looked across the carnage at her. She had spent an extraordinary amount of time calling and leaving messages, texting him, and checking for return messages and missed calls.

There had been none.

Once Cragen had told her that he wasn't coming back, and she'd grown tired of trying to reach him with no success, her thoughts had taken a different turn. She started to examine every part of the past 12 years, torn apart every word, every nuance, trying to decide if everything she'd believed was a fallacy. If everything she thought she'd known about them had been a mistake…had been one-sided… just wishful thinking. An outcome of her need to belong…to have someone that cared about her. The detective in her tried to be objective, telling her that she hadn't misinterpreted…that it wasn't all a lie. And yet…his decision to cut her out of his life had to mean something…had to drive her to a different conclusion.

It was driving her insane. And keeping her up at night.

She tried to distract herself…to move on. She went to the gym and worked out until she could barely move from exhaustion. She went to the gun range, trying to take out her anger and frustration, until her arms ached, and her head pounded. She ran for miles in Central Park, her legs practically giving out as she pushed herself to run harder and faster.

It had been three months since Cragen had given her the news…and she felt like it was yesterday.

Her mind wouldn't leave it alone. It was like a wound that wouldn't heal, and she kept picking at it and picking at it.

Eventually, she would bleed out and maybe then, she'd have some peace.

Olivia slid out of bed, scarcely looking at the clock or noticing the chill in the room. She padded into the kitchen, and opened the cupboard, looking at the bottles of wine lined up inside, right next to a bottle of Scotch. Her fingers itched to take one down…to open it up and drink herself into oblivion. Then, her mind would be at peace.

She could imagine it…slipping off to sleep with no dreams of Elliot. Her mind void of thoughts of him. No more unanswered questions, like what he was doing right now or if he was thinking about her.

Maybe more importantly, drowning the worse of her thoughts.

That he wasn't thinking about her at all.

She lifted her hand and wrapped it around one of the bottles. With a deep breath, she lifted one from the cupboard and felt the heft of it in her hand. Her fingers itched to open it. She could practically feel the alcohol burning a trail down her throat…the warmth blossoming in her stomach…the sweet relief.

Olivia closed her eyes, digging deep.

No. She wasn't going to let those dark thoughts win.

She opened her eyes, and her hand was trembling as she put the bottle back on the shelf. She closed the door with an audible bang and leaned her weight against it with her outstretched arms, as if warding off temptation.

She couldn't go on like this. She was better than this. Stronger than this.

Something had to change. Because if it didn't, she didn't want to think about the alternative.

AN: I have only written one story about 'after'…when Elliot left Olivia. But it was written when he had been gone for quite a while. I find that a lot harder to write, but I thought I'd explore what I think could have happened, if all that time hadn't gone by. I hope I do it justice. Thanks for reading!


	2. Chapter 2

It had taken Olivia half a day to leave her apartment in Manhattan. She had stared at her phone, thumbed open the unanswered messages to Elliot, and told herself all the reasons she should leave this alone. She tried to imagine what his reaction would be if she just showed up on his doorstep. She argued with herself about the wisdom of confronting him at all; her conviction from the night before fading.

She had finally called herself on her own bullshit stalling tactics, retrieved her car and started the drive to Queens. Once she had crossed the bridge, leaving the refuge of the city, the reality of what she was about to do started to sink in. She could feel anxiety gnawing at her stomach and nerves sliding up her spine.

She chided herself once again.

She could do this.

She _needed_ to do this. If she didn't, she'd always wonder.

Besides, she had already decided she wanted to do this on _her_ terms. For a long time, she had waited for Elliot to call or to show up. Now, it had been too long, and she didn't trust her reaction to a sudden and unexpected visit from him.

No, better to be the one in control of the situation.

But her nerves returned as she made the turn on to Elliot's street. She was rethinking her decision not to call ahead of time. It had been over two months since she had even tried; maybe she should have tried again now that some time has passed. Olivia slowed and pulled over, seeing Elliot's house just a little over a block down the street, on the left. She pulled out her phone, and checked for messages, not sure what she was expecting to see.

Olivia let out a frustrated sigh…and her frustration was aimed at herself. She had always taken every challenge head-on, at least for the most part. Why was this so goddamned hard? Knock on the door…ask Elliot what the hell he thought he was doing by cutting her out of his life so easily…and…and…

And what?

Olivia's mind was blank. She'd had this conversation in her mind so many times over the past few months, in those long lonely nights when she had still hope that he would show up at her door. Even when hope turned to despair, the arguments and discussions continued, alternating between understanding and anger.

Olivia pounded her balled fists against the steering wheel. _This was so stupid_. She took a deep breath, and put the car in drive, making her way down the street slowly until she was parked across the street from Elliot's house. She clutched her keys in her hands, trying to sort out her jumbled thoughts and slow her breathing.

She straightened out her sweater and took a quick glance in her rearview mirror, just to be certain she didn't have mascara smeared around her eyes. She didn't know why she cared…

 _Probably for the same reasons she took an hour to get dressed this morning. The pile of discarded clothes must be a foot tall on her bed._

Olivia looked back towards the house. It seemed quiet, and she wondered if all her angst had been for nothing. As she looked down the street, she realized there wasn't even anyone walking along the sidewalk. No kids playing in any of the yards. There were barely even any cars that went by.

Olivia looked at her watch. _2PM._

That made sense. Kids were back in school and people were at work. Her gaze dragged back to the house, and she was surprised to see movement. The front door was opening, and then she saw Kathy standing in the doorway, looking out at her.

Olivia froze. She hadn't thought about the fact that Kathy might be home.

Kathy continued to hold her gaze, and then she was pushing her way though the screen door. She stood on the front porch, and Olivia saw her wrap her sweater more tightly around her. Kathy seemed content to wait; her body language was relaxed and the expression on her face was one of infinite patience. And maybe a little curiosity.

Olivia knew she couldn't drive away now, but she could kick herself for not thinking this through. How on Earth had she expected to have a conversation with Elliot with Kathy in the house? She let out a huge sigh, and opened the car door, steeling herself for whatever came next.

She walked up the sidewalk and tried to paste a smile on her face as she made her way up the stairs, but she knew her smile didn't look genuine. She just didn't have it in her.

"Hey Kathy." Olivia said quietly as she came to a stop in from of her ex-partner's wife.

Kathy wore a pained expression. "He didn't call you."

It was more of a statement than a question.

Before Olivia could say anything, Kathy had closed the gap between them and had wrapped her arms around her. Olivia was startled by her actions. She has never been much of a hugger, but she could look past that. It was Kathy's comment and reaction that confused her. When Kathy released her and stepped back, Olivia saw that same pained expression on her face.

"Elliot's not here." Kathy said.

Olivia let out a breath slowly, feeling disappointed and relieved at the same time. She opened her mouth, at a loss for what to say, but once again, Kathy spoke first.

"Why don't you come in."

Another question posed as a statement.

Olivia looked at the door to the house, and then out at her car. "I…I'm not…" She wasn't sure that she wanted to wait around until Elliot came back, and she knew she didn't want to have _any_ conversation with him with Kathy listening in.

"Please." Kathy said. She opened the front door, and walked in, holding the door open for Olivia to follow her in. "We need to talk."

Olivia let out a sigh and followed her inside. She followed Kathy into the kitchen and stood awkwardly as Kathy poured a couple mugs of coffee. She turned towards Olivia, with a mug in hand. "Do you want a shot of whisky in your coffee?"

Olivia laughed, feeling some of the tension leaving her body. "That sounds like a good idea, but I'm going to pass." She sat down in the kitchen chair as Kathy handed her a mug, and Kathy sat down across from her.

"So…how've you been?" Kathy asked.

Olivia shrugged. "OK."

"I told Elliot he should call you." Kathy said, catching on to the fact that Olivia wasn't in the mood for small talk. "He said he would…when he got himself together…" She let out a sigh, her disapproval of his decision written all over her face. She looked down at her coffee, blowing on it absentmindedly, before slowly dragging her eyes back to Olivia's. "I asked Elliot to leave." She paused a second. "The divorce… She looked down at her coffee again. "It's final this time."

Olivia's mind swarmed with questions, shocked by Kathy's admission. "Oh." She didn't know what else to say."

"That was a little over a month ago." Kathy said as she lifted her mug to her lips.

Olivia did the math…that was almost three months after he'd walked out of the squad room. "What happened?" She asked softly, hoping she wasn't overstepping her bounds.

Kathy sighed heavily as she looked up at Olivia again. "Honestly…we were already having problems. I mean…it's not that we were fighting or anything…it was just…" She shrugged her shoulders again. "We were fooling ourselves to think we could make it work."

Olivia remembered the look on Elliot's face when he had told her that Kathy was pregnant and that he was moving home. He had been upset…almost in disbelief.

"I was scared. I was pregnant. We'd been trying to work things out. He had already been talking about moving home…" She let out a strained laugh as she ducked her head again. "I should have known when he kept putting it off."

"He was excited about the baby." Olivia said, trying to offer some comfort.

"You know Elliot. He was bound by his sense of honor. By his sense of responsibility." Kathy shook her head. "And I just needed him here." She looked up at Olivia. "You knew things were rough."

Olivia nodded, almost imperceptibly. She remembered the long hours Elliot spent at the station, avoiding diaper duty. She remembered talking Kathy into unpacking her bags on one particularly stressful night. She remembered the shift in her relationship with Elliot the last two years. "I'm sorry."

Kathy shrugged. "Like I said…we should have known."

"I think Elliot believed he could make it work." Olivia said. Everything Kathy had said about his sense of responsibility was true. Failure wasn't an option for him.

"Yeah…well." Kathy took another sip of coffee. She looked back up at Olivia. "Things were already strained, and then…"

Kathy took a deep breath before she forged ahead. "When Elliot came home that day…I knew something big had happened. He said he couldn't talk to me about it, but I didn't worry too much about it, because that was pretty normal. I knew he had you…that he would talk to you. But then I saw he was ignoring your calls and texts. So many of them were coming in. I couldn't believe it, so then I thought…" She paused for a second and then sighed. "Honestly, I thought that maybe…something had happened between the two of you or …"

Kathy let the sentence hang there, and it took Olivia a few moments to connect the dots. She always wondered what Kathy had thought of Elliot and her relationship…friendship…partnership. She replayed Kathy's statement in her mind, trying to decipher her meaning. Did she think something had _happened?_ That she and Elliot had finally given into temptation? Or did Kathy think that maybe they had been involved already and had broken things off?

Olivia felt a modicum of guilt for the uncertainty Kathy must have felt over the years, but Olivia knew it wasn't baseless. She'd had every reason to be suspicious, even if they had never succumbed to the underlying current of desire that defined their partnership.

Or so she had thought.

Olivia leaned in. "No. Never." Despite the undercurrent of emotions and unspoken feelings, she needed Kathy to know. She saw Kathy look at her, wanting to believe her. Then she gave her an almost imperceptible nod as she looked back and forth between her eyes.

"But…I'm not crazy. There's _something_ between you two."

It was Olivia's turn to look down at her coffee. She wouldn't lie to her.

Kathy snaked out her hand and placed it lightly on top of Olivia's. "Elliot…he's hurting. Confused."

Olivia looked up at her, and she could see tears on her lower lashes.

"He feels like he's failed in every way that matters, and no matter what I said…he just…" She shook her head. "I just couldn't get through to him." She squeezed Olivia's hand. "I told him to go see you. To reach out to you. To talk to you. I thought…I hoped he had. That the two of you were talking."

Olivia shook her head. "When's the last time you talked to him?"

"He calls the kids. But I haven't talked to him since he walked out the door." She bit down on her bottom lip. "We haven't seen him since then either. He's living at a friend's cabin. Upstate."

Olivia was absorbing everything Kathy said, surprised at the way Elliot disappeared from his life.

"Will you go see him?" Kathy asked, pleading in her eyes.

Olivia shook her head slowly. She opened her mouth a few times before she spoke. "Kathy…Elliot doesn't want to see me."

"He needs to see you." Kathy said hurriedly.

Olivia pushed herself away from the table, still shaking her head. "I don't think I can." She had come here, all fired up, expecting to find Elliot living happily ever after while she had been suffering. She had been ready to yell…rant. To hear him tell her he was sorry…to explain why he had just walked out and moved on with his life without a second thought. She had expected _answers_. But now that she knew the truth, she didn't know what to think. Her mind was still trying to process everything Kathy had told her, and she couldn't reconcile it with what she had expected to find.

"I have to go." She said as she moved out of the kitchen towards the front door. "Don't tell Elliot I was here."

"Olivia! Wait!" Kathy called after her.

"I'm sorry." Olivia threw back to her as she made her way out the front door. She practically ran to her car, and slid inside, letting out a deep breath as she slammed the door closed. Her hands felt slightly shaky, and she braced her hands on the steering wheel, trying to slow her heartbeat. The only thing she could think of now was getting home.

Olivia jumped and let out a small scream when she heard a knock on her window. She turned and was surprise to see Kathy standing there, proving how distracted she really was.

Olivia rolled down the window, ready to argue with her. But instead, Kathy thrust a crumpled sheet of paper at her. Olivia held up her hand, as if warding off whatever information that slip of paper held. But she saw a look of hopefulness on Kathy's face that made it impossible to push it away.

"Just in case you change your mind." Kathy said.

Olivia swallowed and nodded, taking the sheet of paper with a certain reluctance.

"And Olivia…if you see him or talk to him…will you please let me know how he's doing?"

Olivia nodded, clutching the piece of paper in her hand. She closed the window as she watched Kathy walking back towards the house. When she reached the sidewalk, she turned and paused, wrapping her sweater more tightly around her as she held her arms across her body. She was watching Olivia, and Olivia felt as if something had shifted between them. Some understanding…

Olivia gave her a weak smile as Kathy waved, and then she drove away.

EOEOEOEO

Olivia had been sitting in her apartment for the past several hours, going over everything in her mind. She had fostered a lot of anger over the past several months over Elliot's abandonment, and she realized she had fed that to mask her pain. It hadn't always been that way.

In the days that had followed the shooting, she had been concerned about Elliot. As the days had turned into weeks, she had cursed his stubborn refusal of help, and concern had morphed into confusion. They had always leaned on each other to get through their tougher times, and she hadn't been able to understand why he was shutting her out.

When Cragen had told her that he'd put in his papers, she'd been stunned. That's when her confusion and concern had started to turn into anger. From there, she had convinced herself that he was moving on with his life without a second thought about her.

She'd had no idea of all the ways this case had torn his life apart.

She should have known.

Olivia smoothed out the paper that she had crumpled up and thrown on the passenger seat of her car.

112 Mirror Lake Road

North Elba, NY

The question now was what to do with that knowledge.

She still wanted answers. If he had just reached out to her, she may have been able to help him.

But she was scared about what she was going to find. She was scared of what he was going to tell her. What if everything she'd thought to be true...wasn't?

She let herself think about that for a moment, turning the possibilities over in her mind.

Olivia let out a sound of frustration, crumpled up the paper and threw it across the room.

Elliot hadn't wanted to talk to her. He had made that abundantly clear. She had to respect that.

Olivia pulled her legs up to her chest and wrapped her around them, resting her chin on her knees. She stared at the wad of paper resting against the baseboard beneath her windows. After a few minutes, she tore her eyes away. She was going to take a shower and get some sleep.

She couldn't think about this anymore. It was driving her insane.

Olivia stripped off her clothes and stepped into the shower, letting the hot spray ease the tension from her muscles. She stood there until the water ran cold, trying to focus on anything except the shooting and everything that came after.

Olivia toweled the excess water from her hair, pulled on a t-shirt and climbed into bed. She turned on the small TV, searching for something to distract her so she could fall asleep. She came across an old movie, and settled in against the pillows, resisting the urge to pour herself a glass of wine.

An hour later, sleep still hadn't come. She couldn't quiet her mind…as if she'd ever thought she could.

Olivia let out a long, slow sigh. She pulled back the covers and padded into the living room. She didn't need to turn on the light to find the balled-up piece of paper on the floor, snatching it up and taking it back into the bedroom. As she climbed back into bed, she smoothed out the paper against her thigh.

If Elliot didn't want her in his life anymore, he was going to have to tell her himself.


	3. Chapter 3

Olivia felt unexpectedly calm as she started the drive upstate. She had made a hotel reservation in a town nearby, she had packed a bag, and had mapped the route. Maybe it was because she was armed with some knowledge; she knew something about what had been happening with Elliot since he'd walked out of her life.

Knowledge was power.

She still felt a weird mixture of concern, confusion and anger. But now, she understood that Elliot was most likely feeling the same way too. Knowing that…it changed the dynamic a little.

She knew it was going to be a tenuous reunion. He wasn't expecting her, unless Kathy called him, and she knew he would be shocked to see her. Getting him to talk to her would be another hurdle. Talking things through had never been their strength. It had been better the last couple of years, or maybe they had just run out of things to argue about.

It was as much her fault as it was his, and she had to remember that. She certainly had a track record of leaving when things got tough, and most certainly, he would remind her of that.

Was what he had done much different?

She let herself really think about that as the miles passed beneath her tires.

EOEOEOEO

Olivia was about an hour outside of town when she stopped to grab a bite. She was in the mountains, and the clear air and the beauty of the area was amazing. She stepped out of the car, and was struck by the cool, clean air. The small restaurant was surround by trees, and the leaves had already started to turn. Olivia grabbed a black cardigan from her bag and slipped it on over her white t-shirt, wrapping her arms around herself as she circled around, taking in the scene.

Thirty minutes later, she was back on the road and headed towards Elliot. She had expected her nerves to take over, but she was anxious to see him. She had missed him more than anyone could ever know. She didn't let herself dwell on the fact that this could go one of two ways, and that she may very well never see him again after today.

She took a deep breath, hoping it didn't come to that.

Olivia knew he wasn't going to come back to the job, no matter how much she wished for it to happen. But she hoped he would be coming back to the city, and that they could at least be friends and see each other on a regular basis. He was her best friend…she needed him in her life. In whatever way possible.

She didn't permit herself to think beyond that.

Olivia hit the small town of North Elba and pulled over to reconnect her GPS. She wasn't sure about cell reception out here, so she refamiliarized herself with the directions before she left town. Ten minutes later, she was driving slowly along a two-lane road, looking for her turn. She spotted it and took a left turn. Almost immediately, the road narrowed and turned to gravel, and the trees seemed to hug the road. Olivia whipped off her sunglasses, so she could see the road better. Her GPS had told her that she had another mile and a half to go before her next turn, but she still drove slowly. The road was going up at a slight angle, and the traction on her Mustang wasn't that great. It could also be due to the fact that she wasn't the greatest driver; never needing a car much in New York City. Her wheels spun on some loose gravel and she cursed as she pulled back into the middle of the road.

She should have rented a truck.

Olivia was so focused on her driving that she drove past her next turn. She slammed on her brakes and the car fishtailed. Once it skidded to a stop, she backed up slowly and turned onto the narrow lane. She sat there idling, looking down the winding road. The cabin Elliot was staying in was just a half mile down or so, and now that she wasn't so focused on finding the spot, she felt her nerves starting to show themselves again.

Olivia swallowed hard and tamped them down. She thought about the past four months…the sleepless nights and anxious days…and knew there was no turning back. She had come this far; she had to see this through. Olivia pressed her foot on the gas before she could change her mind, and before she knew it, she had reached the turn to the cabin.

Olivia stopped short when she saw an iron gate barring access, leaving just enough room for her to park without sticking out onto the road.

Not that she thought there was a lot of traffic, even though she didn't see an end to the narrow road that snaked past her turnoff.

Olivia let the car idle, peering down past the gate. She couldn't see the cabin and had no idea how far down the rutted lane it was. When her eyes glanced back at the rusty, red gate in front of her, she saw it was closed with a chain and a padlock.

OK, she was walking.

Olivia turned off the car, slid out and locked the door, even though she felt ridiculous doing so. The air was definitely cooler with the tree cover, and she wrapped her sweater around her as she stepped over the brush between the gate and the trees. Once she set foot back on the road, she realized how little traveled it was. Grass had grown up between the two rutted tire tracks that disappeared into the woods ahead, so she stayed on the gravel. She wondered if Elliot had left since he'd moved in.

The cabin came into view after a five-minute walk. Olivia stopped at the tree line, staring at the small log cabin. It was brown, with a slanted roof, and red painted trim around the windows. A small porch hung off the front and ran around either side, and she assumed it ran around the entire cabin. She could see a lake shimmering behind it as the early afternoon sun glinted off the water.

She looked around the site for any sign of movement, but she saw none. Just past the cabin, she saw the backend of Elliot's black truck sticking out…almost hidden in the trees. There was a woodpile next to the cabin, with an ax propped up next to a stump. She saw the glint of a silver canoe at the edge of the lake.

It was silent, except for the sound of a few birds in the woods, and the lap of water against the shore.

She wondered if Elliot had wandered off into the woods. Hunting? _Did he even hunt?_

Or hiking?

Or whatever one does when they're in the woods…all alone.

Or was he hunkered down in the cabin? Reading? Sleeping?

Olivia lingered where she was for a few minutes because whatever he was doing…whatever escape he had created for himself…was short-lived. Olivia was going to be knocking on that cabin door and whatever the outcome, everything would be different from that moment forward.

EOEOEOEOEO

Elliot was standing at the kitchen sink, and he stripped off his sweat-drenched t-shirt before he washed his hands and splashed cold water on his face. Chopping wood was hard work, but if he intended to stay here all winter, he was going to need to stockpile a hell of a lot more. He didn't mind the hard work as it kept him in shape. It also kept his mind off other things…kept him from dwelling on the past.

He opened up the refrigerator and pulled out a sandwich he had made for himself that morning before he'd gone out. He grabbed a plate and turned in the small kitchen, setting it on the small counter that made in L, as he looked out at the lake. He took a bite of his sandwich and contemplated the list of chores lined up for the afternoon. If he was lucky, he'd be exhausted tonight, and he'd fall into a dreamless sleep tonight.

That would be a welcome relief from the past few nights.

He thought he'd be over it by now. The cases…the victims…the shooting…the what if's and the why nots. Apparently, it was going to take more than a few months to erase twelve plus years.

As if he ever could.

He finished his sandwich and washed it down with a beer. He stood looking out at the lake, watching a small fishing boat on the far side of the way. It was nothing more than a speck, but it was a nice reminder that there were other people out there, even if they were miles away. It got so quiet at this cabin sometimes…it was lonely. Even though this was the solitude he had craved.

He couldn't imagine how quiet it was going to be in the dead of winter.

A knock on the wooden door made him jump.

Elliot whipped around and just looked at the door. He wasn't expecting anyone. No one knew where he was, except for Kathy. And there was no way she was going to drive up here without warning him. Not with the kids in school and a toddler in tow.

There was another knock.

He wondered if he should ignore it. If they'd go away.

He heard another knock…more insistent this time. And then…something that made his heart stop.

Olivia's voice, yelling his name.

He couldn't believe she was here, just outside his door.

And yet, he knew she'd come at some point.

Deep down. He had known.

EOEOEOEO

Olivia new Elliot was in there. She could sense it as sure as if he was standing right next to her. He knew she had probably startled him; he probably didn't get a lot of visitors. She finally yelled his name, so he'd know it was her.

If he didn't answer now…

The door opened suddenly, and Elliot was standing there.

He didn't look shocked, or even surprised, to see her. The look on his face was one of resignation, as if he'd expected her all along.

He kept one hand on the door, and the other propped up on the door jamb. He looked at her lazily with narrowed eyes. She wasn't certain she like his perusal of her…the way he seemed to be tracing every feature…assessing…analyzing. But she didn't say anything, as it gave her time to do the same.

It was funny how you could spend 14+ hours a day with a person…five plus days per week…for over 12 years, and really not see all of them. She thought she had committed every detail to memory, but when you thought you had more time…when you thought that person would still be sitting across from you every day…you got lazy.

Elliot wasn't wearing a shirt, and she wondered if his chest had always been that defined. If his arms had always been that big. Her eyes traced his tattoo, and then trailed up to the scruff on his face and the crinkles in the corner of his eyes. The blue that was focused on her was intense…and all of their past came rushing past.

Those eyes…

Staring at her from across the desk. In the car. At their favorite diner. When they fought. When they laughed.

A lump began to form in her throat, and it pissed her off. She didn't want to show any emotion tonight. She had promised herself she wouldn't cry…wouldn't throw herself into his arms…wouldn't rant and rave. She wanted to be in control…to show him that his leaving hadn't affected her nearly as much as he thought it might…or as much as it had.

"Are you going to let me in?"

"I'm not sure." Elliot said.

Olivia furrowed her brow slightly. She wasn't quite sure she had heard him correctly.

"You talked to Kathy." Elliot said. He knew it was the only way she could have known where he was.

Olivia nodded.

"What did she tell you?"

"Elliot, I didn't drive all the way up here to stand on your front porch and talk." Olivia said in an annoyed voice. "So…either let me in or I'll head back to the city." It was a risk on her part and she hoped like hell he didn't tell her goodbye and close the door in her face.

Elliot let out a sigh. He wasn't sure he wanted to let her in, but he sure as hell didn't want to see her go. Which made him angry with himself.

So much for time and space giving him perspective.

He dropped his arm from the door jamb and took a few steps backward, opening the door to let her through.

When she walked by him, her arm brushed his, and the scent of her shampoo incited a familiar ache within him. In that instant, he wanted to reach out and pull her into a hug…even if only for a second. It was crazy that just a few moments with her brought back everything from his past.

The good and the bad.

He had to steel himself for whatever this visit was going to bring. He had to be strong.

Problem was…she had always been his weakness.


	4. Chapter 4

Olivia walked into the room, taking in interior of the cabin. She seemed to be in the main living area, with a comfortable looking couch and an oversized chair facing a large, field stone fireplace. There wasn't a fire burning at the moment, but she could smell smoke in the air, as if everything in the room had absorbed the smell over time. A battered desk was off to one side, with framed photos lining the edge. A shelf overflowing with books and knick-knacks was on the other side, filling in the space up to the bottom of the window. She noticed lots of windows around the room, letting in a lot of natural light. Or as much as could be expected in the woods.

When she looked straight ahead, a long hallway ended with another door. She could see a porch and the lake beyond, and she saw the glint of the metal canoe again. As her eyes swept back up the hallway, she saw open doorways on both sides and she assumed they led to the bedrooms and a bathroom.

"This is cozy." She said as she turned towards where Elliot was standing, but he wasn't there. She could see an archway into the kitchen to the right of the door, and she headed that way. She saw Elliot with his back to her, looking out at the lake. Olivia walked into the room and breezed past him, moving to the other side of the counter. There was a small table and chairs on the other side of the counter, and once again, Olivia was amazed at the number of windows and the view of the lake. The small boat that had been out on the lake earlier was closer now, and she could see two guys fishing off the side.

Her eyes swept the tall pines framing the lake on all sides. As she inspected the shoreline, she could make out other small houses amongst the trees.

"What a beautiful view." She said quietly, more to herself than Elliot.

"Hmm."

Olivia didn't know if that was a confirmation or not. She turned and saw him finishing off a sandwich. He took a swig of his beer and motioned towards her.

"Want a beer?"

Olivia narrowed her eyes. "It's 2:00 in the afternoon."

Elliot shrugged. "So."

"I'll have water, if you have one." Olivia didn't really care about the time of day, but this was going to be a difficult enough conversation. Alcohol wasn't going to help. Which made her wonder exactly how many beers he'd had already.

Elliot reached into the refrigerator, screwed the lid off a bottle of water, and stretched out his arm towards her. Olivia had to come back around the table to take it from him. She leaned her butt against the edge of the table, taking a long drink. She lowered the bottle and held it in her hands as Elliot finished his sandwich.

Olivia noticed his body language seemed relaxed…his attitude almost cavalier. As if he wasn't thrown by her intrusion into his life. What she didn't know was how real it was. Six months ago, she would have said he was just putting on an act, but now…she wasn't sure.

While she watched him eat and finish off his beer, she tried to keep her eyes trained on his face. But it was nearly impossible not to let her eyes stray, taking in the changes since she'd seen him last. The scruffy beard looked different on him, but she wasn't complaining. It seemed to suit him. It was clear that whatever he'd been doing up here had been purely physical, because even though he'd lost weight, his muscle tone was ridiculous.

She wished he would put a shirt back on, because it was distracting, and it was pissing her off. She felt tired and irritable and had bags under her eyes…ones she hadn't been able to hide with any amount of makeup…and here he was, looking like he didn't have a care in the world.

If she hadn't talked to Kathy…if she hadn't known the truth of what he'd been going through…she'd be really angry.

Olivia was tired of the awkward silence. "So…" She looked around the room and let her eyes land back on his. "How long have you been living up here?"

Elliot almost seemed disappointed in her question and have gave her a challenging look. "Why don't you ask me a question that you don't already know the answer to."

Elliot saw he had surprised her too, but honestly, hadn't expected her to make idle chit-chat. He had thought about this very scenario many times, and in every one of them, there had been anger or tears…two ends of the spectrum. He never expected this cool, controlled Olivia.

Olivia tried not to show her surprise at his comment, but she knew she probably failed. She pressed her lips together, trying to school her features. If he wanted to get right into it, then she was okay with that. She didn't need small talk. She shifted slightly on the edge of the table, sifting and discarding through numerous questions before she spoke. "Why did you let me in?"

She noticed that her question seemed to amuse him slightly, or else he had expected her to ask him something else.

Elliot raised an eyebrow. "Honestly?" He paused for a second to see if she was going to expand on her question. When she didn't, he answered her with a small shrug. "Did you expect me to slam the door in your face?"

Olivia looked away. She didn't want to tell him that it was one of the things she had worried about on the way up here. "I don't know."

"I know you think I'm an asshole…" Elliot said. "But I wouldn't do that." He saw her look up at him…he saw a hint of pain in her eyes…and it was devasting to him. He knew he had hurt her, but he was an idiot to think that maybe time had healed her somehow. Especially when it hadn't healed him. And suddenly, the air in the cabin was suffocating. He thought he could talk to her…that he would be able to have a conversation with her…but now.

That look on her face…

He wasn't ready.

"Now that you're here, let me give you a tour."

Olivia's eyebrows knit together, completely taken aback by the complete 180. "What?" she spit it out before she even realized it.

"Let me show you around." He came around the counter. "I'm just going to grab a clean shirt. Be right back."

Olivia watched him breeze past her as he went through a second archway that led into the hallway she had seen. He wasn't giving her an opportunity to object. She wasn't sure what was going on, but she replayed the conversation they'd just had. The way Elliot's voice had softened…and his quick back-peddling. He had been bold in challenging her on her initial question but had clearly decided he wasn't ready for the conversation that followed.

This wasn't going anything like she had thought it would, but she knew she really hadn't known what to expect. She knew she could resist…she could hit him with the hard questions…but a part of her wasn't ready either. Despite her bravado the day before, or on the drive up here, she wasn't ready either. The thought of this being the last time she saw him was almost unbearable. She looked at her watch.

It was still early.

There was plenty of time. She had a room in town; she didn't have to drive all the way back to the city. She would see where this lead. Take things slowly.

Olivia hadn't moved since Elliot had left the room, but she pushed herself off the table and set down her water when she heard the floorboards creak. Then Elliot was there, stretching his arms up to rest against the arch overhead. She noticed he had put on another t-shirt, but it rode up, showing a sliver of his stomach and she was distracted by it.

Elliot could see that Olivia was lost in thought as he studied her profile from his place in the hallway. He wondered what was on her mind right now. Then the floorboard squeaked as he shifted his weight, and she looked up at him. His heard was beating like a triphammer in his chest, but he was working like hell to keep his cool and detached demeanor. He couldn't let her know how much she was affecting him…especially when he had to let her go.

"Ready for your tour?" He asked, trying to sound nonchalant. Elliot watched as her lips parted slightly, as if she was going to protest, but then she let out a breathy sigh and nodded.

Elliot dropped his arms and made a motion for her to follow him. He didn't really spend any time showing her the inside of the small cabin, except to point out that it had two bedrooms and a bathroom. He told her that it belonged to his friend Jack, a buddy from his Marine days. Apparently, they had stayed in touch, which surprised Olivia, because she didn't recall every hearing much about Elliot's Marine days or any friends. But Jack had recently accepted a six-month gig doing some training at a base camp in Maryland and had offered Elliot his place to stay.

Olivia's ears perked up, as this would have been the perfect opportunity to bring up his departure, but he kept rambling on about how the cabin had been in Jack's family for decades, being built by Jack's grandfather. Olivia let him ramble on as she followed him out onto the porch that faced the lake.

She saw that she had been correct in thinking that the porch wrapped around the entire cabin. To her left, she saw two very comfortable looking rocking chairs with a small table in between, and a small table and chairs off in the corner to the right. She could see the kitchen through the windows, and she saw how carefully the cabin had been built. If her sense of direction was right, the sun would set over the lake, and she imagined it would be absolutely stunning.

Elliot had made his way down the stairs and was looking back at her. She followed him down and listened as he walked her around the property. He seemed to take pride in it and the work he was doing…the wood cutting and roof repair and other projects.

Olivia trailed behind him as they cae around the other side of the cabin and headed back down towards the lake. There was a wooden frame with a swing that would hold two people near the water, and a small sandy beach that led to the water. A long wooden dock jutted out, but there wasn't a boat tied to it. The canoe lay upside-down on the other side of the dock, and Elliot pointed to it.

"I take the canoe out almost every morning when I wake up." He looked back at her, where she was standing in the grass. "It's so quiet that time of day."

Olivia sat down in the grass, propped her knees up and wrapped her arms around her legs. It seemed that Elliot had fallen into a different kind of lifestyle up here, and then it had given him some measure of relief from the demons that had tortured him. It made her wonder about her own agenda, and whether or not she had it within herself to drag him back into the fight.

Elliot sat down to her right, leaving a few feet of grass between them. He looked out at the lake, waiting for her to say something, but she was silent. He risked a glance over at her, but she was staring in the same way he was. He knew he was being unfair in his distraction, but he had felt the need to share the beauty of this place with her. "Every night…I sit on the porch and watch the sunset." He said quietly. "And I'd wonder…" He took a deep breath. "I'd wonder what you're doing at that very moment."

Olivia's breath caught in her chest. She hadn't expected that.

Elliot could tell that he had caught her off-guard. "Olivia…"

Olivia could hear that same softness in his voice, but she didn't turn to look at him. She couldn't.

"Despite what you may think…" His admission lay heavy on his tongue. He hadn't meant to tell her any of this, but he couldn't seem to help himself. She was here. She had shown up. By all accounts, she should have written him off…told him to fuck off. But she had stayed.

"I've thought about you every day." He could see the way she clenched her teeth together to bite back emotion; it hadn't been his intention to make her cry. But she still refused to look at him, and there was a part of him that was glad. If she looked at him now, he wasn't sure he'd be able to speak. "I didn't know if you'd ever show up here…and God help me…part of me hoped you wouldn't, but part of me hoped you would…" He sighed. He reached out, itching to touch her, but he withdrew his hand as she looked over at him.

Olivia swiped at the tears that spilled over her lashes as she looked over at Elliot. "It shouldn't have been up to me!" She pushed herself off the ground, wiping the last remnants of moisture from beneath her eyes. She could feel all the anger and hurt simmering beneath the surface, especially now that Elliot seemed to be laying the responsibility of their future at her feet. "But when you wouldn't take my calls or answer my texts, you didn't leave me much of a choice."

Elliot stood up quickly. "You had a choice." He said. "You could have just gone on with your life and not looked back."

The vehemence in his voice made her pause. She thought about the unanswered calls and texts. Maybe she'd been wrong to show up here…

Her eyes connected with his and she saw the misery etched in his face. She took a few steps backwards. "Maybe I made a mistake." She said, her voice cracking with emotion. "I shouldn't have come here." She took a few steps to the right…she needed to get out of here. Elliot hadn't slammed the door in her face, but he clearly didn't want her here.

Elliot took a step towards her and she took two steps backwards. "No. I didn't…" He swiped a hand across his chin. "This isn't coming out right. You don't understand what I'm trying to say."

"You said I should move on with my life." Olivia said. She turned her back to him, staring out at the lake.

"Liv." He placed his hands lightly on her shoulders.

"Don't call me that." She huffed out, shrugging his hands off her. She glanced back at him. "You don't get to call me that." She headed down towards the lake, needing a moment to collect herself. If Elliot was smart, he wouldn't follow her.

Olivia walked down to the end of the dock and wrapped her arms around herself. Sometime in the past twenty minutes, the wind had kicked up and the sky had clouded over slightly. She shivered as the next gust of wind kicked up, and she wrapped her sweater around her more tightly. She could feel Elliot's eyes on her, but she was glad he hadn't followed her down here.

This whole encounter had left her confused. From his attitude when he'd opened the door to his honesty when he'd told her he thought about her every day…they were two sides of him. And then…telling her that she should have moved on with her life and not looked back.

What was that?

Was he telling her that it's what he wanted her to do? Or was he trying to tell her something else.

 _You don't understand what I'm trying to say_.

She wanted to scream into the wind. Why couldn't she and Elliot have a conversation like normal people did? Why couldn't she just get the answers she came up here for instead of having to read between the lines or trying to decipher the meaning behind everything he said? Why couldn't she just tell him what she'd come up here to say?

Maybe it was because they were never meant to say any of those things.

Another gust of wind blew, and Olivia felt a smattering of raindrops on her face.

"Olivia!"

She turned and saw Elliot standing on the grass, just moments from stepping on to the dock. She stared at him for a moment…just taking in every part of him…committing it to memory. She was going to leave now, bury all the things she'd wanted to say, have one more good cry and then she'd move on.

Bur for now, she'd take this moment.

She could feel the rain coming down now. It was still light, but she knew that in another few minutes, she'd be soaked. She headed down the dock, slowly at first, and she saw Elliot watching her closely. He held her eyes until she was close enough to hear him.

"A storm blew in. Let's get inside." He said, turning towards the house and motioning for her to follow him. He rushed up the stairs and made it beneath the overhang, but when he turned around, Olivia was nowhere to be seen. He looked around the yard, wondering where she'd gone, but he realized she must have slipped around the side of the house. He ran towards the front door and flung it open and could see Olivia was halfway across the expansive yard. He pushed open the door and rushed out onto the front porch. "Olivia!"

She didn't slow down, and he jumped off the porch onto the grass. He didn't want her driving in this storm.

"Olivia!" He ran as quickly as possible, sliding in the wet grass. The rain was really coming down now, and Olivia was near the tree line now. He pushed ahead and caught up with her just as she reached the trees. "Wait!" He grabbed her arm, slowing her down, and then he wrapped an arm around her waist and pulled her flush against his body.

"Let me go." Olivia said angrily. She struggled against him, barely able to believe the way he was manhandling her.

"No." Elliot said.

"Elliot!" She continued to fight against him, but he wrapped his other arm around her and held her even more tightly against him. "Let me go."

"Shhh." Elliot was whispering into her ear, and confusion swarmed her body.

"Please. Just let me go." She said angrily, even though the fight was leaving her.

"No." Elliot said. He felt her resistance lessening. "Not yet. Not like this."

"I shouldn't have come." Olivia said, completely lax as he held her against him. "It was a mistake."

"You're wrong." Elliot said. "If anyone made a mistake, it was me." He squeezed his arms more tightly around her. "It was my mistake…thinking I could ever let you go."


	5. Chapter 5

He was an asshole.

Grade A.

Ten out of ten stars.

If they handed out awards…he'd get an Oscar…a Blue Ribbon.

He had practically _carried_ her into the cabin.

She'd fought him all the way.

She'd had a chance to escape. To get away from him once and for all.

He hadn't been able to let her leave. Once again, it was all about him.

He'd fought so hard against that for so long. Had tried to think of her…

Now, she was holed up in the bathroom, with no sign of coming out anytime soon. He had changed into dry clothes and left some things for her outside the door. When he had knocked to tell her he'd left dry clothes, she hadn't responded. They were still sitting where he'd left them.

He didn't have a watch, but he thought that she had to have been in there for at least twenty minutes. He could picture her there, propped on the toilet with her head in her hands, trying to figure out her next move.

Elliot had a horrible thought that maybe she was afraid to come out.

Maybe he had really scared her.

He didn't like to believe that would ever happen, but things had changed between them.

They really needed to talk.

His rain-soaked admission was out there now…and he couldn't avoid the conversation like he had earlier today.

Elliot let out a sigh. He owed her an explanation. Answers to her questions.

He looked back towards the bathroom door.

Silence reigned.

He was consumed with indecision. He didn't know if he should try to coax her out with an apology and a promise not to touch her. Or if he should just give her the time and space she needed.

She had to come out sometime.

Elliot paced into the kitchen, his bare feet slipping on some water that had come in through an open window. He swore under his breath and rushed to close the window. He swore the temperature had dropped fifteen degrees, and he moved to close the other open window too. There was water everywhere, and he dug in a drawer for a towel to mop it up. When that was done, he walked back into the family room, intent on starting a fire to take the chill out of the air.

As he grabbed some wood and started stacking them in the fireplace, he glanced back at the door. He saw his clothes were gone, and he wondered how she'd known the moment he'd left the room. And how he hadn't heard the door opening. The cabin was silent…

He went back to building the fire, his mind a cacophony of thoughts and emotions. He had no idea what he was going to say to her if she ever did emerge.

But he thought the first thing he should probably do is apologize.

For everything.

EOEOEOEOEO

Olivia had shed her wet clothes the minute she slammed the bathroom door and locked it behind her. The entire room smelled of Elliot. His soap…shampoo…cologne. She didn't know exactly what it was, but it was the essence of him. The familiarity of it washed over her as she dried her hair with his towel…and then wrapped it around her body.

She was shivering, and she didn't know if it was because of the cold rain that had soaked her through, or the physical way in which Elliot had dragged her into the cabin. There had been a moment that she realized that she couldn't win, and it had scared her. It wasn't any secret that Elliot was stronger than she was, but it had always been to her advantage. He was a protector. This time, it had been used to control her and she hated it. She didn't like to feel out of control in any situation, and she definitely was at that moment.

She inherently knew that Elliot wouldn't hurt her. That wasn't his intent. But he had taken any semblance of choice away from her…

 _It was my mistake…thinking I could ever let you go_.

Elliot's words drifted into her conscious, despite her best efforts to ward them off. She didn't want to think about what he'd meant.

It had been in the heat of the moment.

She wondered if he regretted saying them.

She supposed she'd tracked him down to hear those very words, despite the lies she'd told herself.

But she was still confused. He had yelled at her to go but then kept her from leaving.

Did that mean he was ready to talk?

Was she?

Olivia buried her face in her hands and screamed silently.

Her ears perked up when she heard Elliot moving around. She could hear cupboard doors or drawers in the kitchen, and she took that opportunity to grab the dry clothes he had given her. She sat back on the toilet and held the gray sweatshirt in her hands. Before she knew what she was even doing, she buried her face in the soft material and inhaled. It was obviously clean…so maybe it was just her imagination that she could smell him on it. Maybe it was because the entire room smelled of him…

Olivia pulled the well-worn item over her head and then stood to pull the black sweatpants up her legs and over her hips. She pulled the drawstring tight until they rested on her hips, and then she stood in front of the mirror to survey the damage the rain had done. Her hair was still wet but starting to curl at the ends. Her mascara and eyeliner had smeared, and she swiped at the smudges beneath her eyes.

Olivia turned when she heard noise coming from the living room again. She wasn't certain what he was doing, but it sounded like he was throwing items around. It took her a moment to realize that he was probably building a fire. She swiped at her hair, brushing it back from her face, and took a deep breath.

She couldn't hide in the bathroom forever.

For a moment, she considered walking out and making a beeline for the door. He wouldn't dare stop her again. But she could hear the rain still thundering against the roof and…

She had come here to talk.

If she left now, she knew that would be the end for them.

Olivia took another deep breath and placed her hand on the doorknob. She opened it as quietly as possible, nervous about how the next few minutes would play out. She was surprised when the door made no noise, and she realized that Elliot didn't hear her. He was kneeling in front of the fire, and as she watched, the flames started to leap and dance in front of him. He stood up and put the fire screen in place and seemed to be studying his handiwork as she padded quietly into the room.

Olivia shivered slightly at the chill in the air. She stopped a few feet shy of the couch, not quite ready to make her presence known. She heard Elliot let out another sigh as he stared at the fire, and it was on the tip of her tongue to ask him what he was thinking at that very moment.

Olivia wrapped her arms around herself, and she cursed silently as the floorboard squeaked beneath her. She saw the look of surprise on Elliot's face as he turned towards her; he'd clearly been off his game if he hadn't sensed someone else in the room.

Olivia could tell that he didn't know what to say.

That made two of them.

Elliot stood staring at Olivia. She continued to amaze him. Despite all odds, she was standing here in front of him. She was giving him a chance.

One he probably didn't deserve.

He took in her wet hair and the way it curled around her shoulders. He could see the freckles smattered across her nose and cheeks, and her dark eyes were void of make-up.

She looked beautiful.

He noticed the way she stared at him intently.

She was trusting him.

The look on her face…

It blew him away.

"Liv…Olivia." He corrected himself quickly, his words no more than a deep whisper. "I'm…" He hung his head slightly before he looked back up at her. "I shouldn't have dragged you back in here. I…"

"Did you mean what you said?" Olivia asked, ignoring his comments. She wasn't going to let fear keep her from asking the questions she wanted to ask anymore.

"Which thing?" Elliot wasn't sure exactly what she was referring to, so he wanted to be careful.

"All of it." Olivia said sharply. "Any of it."

"I said a lot of things." Elliot said, swiping a hand across his chin.

Olivia dropped her arms. "Forget it." She said in frustration. He was obviously trying to dodge the question. She didn't know why she had thought he might finally open up to her.

Elliot took a step towards her but then stopped himself. "I'm not trying to be vague." He said quickly. "I just…" He shrugged his shoulders. "I'm just trying to make sure I answer you honestly. I don't want you to run out of here again until we have a chance to talk."

Olivia raised an eyebrow, somewhat surprised by what he'd said. She had wanted him to speak his mind, and yet, she really hadn't expected him to. It threw her off a little.

But isn't this exactly what she'd come here for? A little honesty?

Olivia took a deep breath, trying to release some of the tension coiled in her body. Elliot was keeping his eyes on her, watching her with caution. As if she might disappear before his very eyes. She parted her lips slightly. "I'm not going anywhere." She offered softly.

As if to prove her point, Olivia walked around the far end of the couch and curled up on the end farthest from where he was standing.

Elliot watched as Olivia curled up her legs beneath her…and while the motion was meant to insure him that she was staying, he couldn't help but notice that she seemed to be creating as much distance as possible as she crossed her arms in front of her.

Elliot nodded. He would take it.

Elliot came around the other end of the couch but situated himself in the big chair to the side. The warmth from the fire hit his bare left arm and the side of his face, and he shifted the chair a little more towards the couch. He hadn't lost eye contact with her, and she wasn't looking away either.

He didn't know how to start the conversation or who was going to start it, but there was definitely a new awkwardness that consumed them. Maybe because they both knew that there was no going back now. They were committed to this path…wherever it took them.

Elliot saw Olivia saw a small shiver run through her body. "You cold?" He was up and out of his chair in a second, and he grabbed an old quilt that sat on his end of the couch. He unfolded it and handed it to her before she could even say anything.

"Thanks." She said softly as Elliot reclaimed his seat.

He watched as she tucked it over her lap and beneath her bare feet, and he wished he would have given he socks or another layer.

"It's warming up in here." Olivia said. "I'm fine."

Elliot knew he was letting himself be distracted by her physical comfort, when he really needed to start a real conversation. "So…" He dropped his eyes and rubbed his palms over the tops of his thighs. "You asked me earlier…why I let you in." He looked back up at her. "I…" He shook his head. This was a lot harder than he had imagined it would be. He stood up and walked behind the chair. He braced his arms against it and hung his head slightly, staring at the worn leather. "I don't know what the hell I'm doing."

Olivia saw the look of pain on his face when he lifted his head and looked at her.

"Do you want me to be honest with you? Really honest?"

Olivia's heart skipped a beat, and she nodded slowly.

"I thought about you showing up on my doorstep a million times. I wondered if you'd slap me across the face and tell me to go fuck myself. Or if you'd be in tears, begging me to help you understand…" He let out a sound. "But mostly…I just really hoped that you'd decide I wasn't worth it."


	6. Chapter 6

AN: Just a reminder…this is where we left off last time:

" _I thought about you showing up on my doorstep a million times. I wondered if you'd slap me across the face and tell me to go fuck myself. Or if you'd be in tears, begging me to help you understand…" He let out a sound. "But mostly…I just really hoped that you'd decide I wasn't worth it."_

EOEOEOEO

"Decide you weren't worth it?" Olivia echoed his last words…the pitch of her voice increasing with the question mark at the end.

"Yes." Elliot said emphatically. "I am a failure. A fuck-up." Elliot slapped his hands on the top of the chair and it made Olivia jump slightly.

"What are you talking about?" Olivia asked, genuinely puzzled.

"Everyone is better off without me in their life."

"Says who?"

"Says me."

"So… _you_ get to make that decision? And everyone else is just supposed to live with that?" Olivia could feel her anger resurfacing. His decision was so selfish…it astounded her. "You just cut everyone out of your life…no explanation…no discussion…" She paused when she was struck by a thought. "Wait a minute…" She dropped her arms and sat up slightly. Kathy hadn't been cut off so completely. Elliot had lived at home until just a month ago. Elliot had spoken to Cragen; he would have had to if he had wanted to turn in his retirement papers. "You _didn't_ cut _everyone_ out of your life. Just me." The realization left her breathless.

Her sense of self preservation started to kick in, telling her to get the hell out of this place. Away from him.

But it was trumped by her need to find out why she had been singled out.

She realized then that he hadn't denied it. "Why?" Her voice was so quiet, she wasn't sure if he had heard her. But he had, because he looked up at her with such intensity, it made her wonder if she wanted to know the answer.

"I _couldn't_ talk to you Liv." Elliot shook his head and looked back towards the fire. He turned back to look at her. "You would have asked me to stay."

"No." Olivia lifted herself up slightly, and the blanket fell away.

"You may not have asked me directly but…if I saw you again…" Elliot pushed himself away from the chair and turned his back to her. He braced his arms against the mantle, feeling the full heat of the fire against his body. It was practically burning him, and he welcomed it.

"Elliot. If you would have told me you needed to leave, I would have understood. I would have supported you." At that time, she wouldn't have been able to think about working with him as her partner. "I've always supported you."

Elliot turned quickly, dropping his hands from the mantle. "Yes! Yes, you have." He was nodding vehemently. "That's the problem."

"What?" Olivia pushed herself off the couch and stood next to it. "You're not making any sense."

"You've always been there for me. No matter what it cost you."

Olivia narrowed her eyes. "What it cost me?" She took a few steps towards Elliot, closing the gap between them slightly. "That's what we did. We supported each other. We were partners and friends."

"Is that what we were?"

Olivia saw a challenge in his eyes…

"Tell me that's all we were." Elliot said vehemently.

Olivia held his gaze for a few moments before she was forced to look away. There were a few moments of silence before she heard his voice again…quiet against the crackling of the fire.

"That's what I thought."

There wasn't any sound in the room except for the crackling of the fire and the rain on the roof.

Olivia sat down hard on the couch, the unspoken words swirling around the room.

Minutes later, Elliot spoke again. "We both pretended like it was nothing…but it was _everything_. It was the basis for everything we did. Every decision we made. But still…" He grabbed the top of the chair again, his fingers white at the intensity of his grip. "Every day…I thought…I should _say_ something. _Do_ something. But instead…I did everything I was _supposed to do_ …everything that was expected of me. I stood by my wife and my family and my God and my responsibility. And you…" Elliot shook his head slightly. "You were always there…and I just _let_ you…" Elliot hung his head. "I feel like you missed your life, just waiting for me to get my head out of my ass and realize what I wanted."

Olivia was up again, standing with her hands on her hips. "You _let_ me? Like I had no free choice? If I wasn't happy with the way things were, I could have left at any time." Olivia brushed her drying hair back with both hands. She was practically shaking as adrenaline surged through her body. "Where do you get off telling me I missed my life? Just because I didn't live my life like you did or like you thought I should..."

"You're telling me that everything turned out the way you wanted it to…" Elliot shot back.

"What are you saying? Because I didn't get married and spit out 5 children, my life is shit?" She took a few steps closer and leaned forward, dropping her hands from her hips. "I'm perfectly happy with my life…thank you."

"Then why are you here?" Elliot challenged.

Olivia closed her mouth and straightened up.

"God Liv. That's why I left. This thing between us…I felt like…" Elliot couldn't take the look on her face. The pain and confusion lacing her features. "We've been stuck in limbo. Never moving forward…always careful not to cross the line." Elliot let out a hard laugh. "I don't even know where the fucking line is anymore. The only thing I know is that neither one of us had the courage to change things. So, when it all went to shit at the end…" He scrubbed a hand across his eyes. "I had a choice to make. And I knew that a washed-up cop and a failure as a husband wasn't what you wanted or needed."

"How the hell do you know what I want or what I need? When have you ever asked me?" Olivia felt like this was some kind of horrible dream. "If you would have come to me…"

"I was giving you a chance to have a fresh start…"

Olivia balled up her fists and let out a sound of frustration. "We're talking in circles. I already told you that it wasn't your decision to make. You don't get to decide what's best for me." Her heart was racing. "Twelve years Elliot. You don't walk away from someone after twelve years without so much as a word. Do you know what that does to a person?" She could feel the tears pricking the back of her eyes and she clenched her jaw, trying to stop them. "It makes you question everything you thought you knew." Her voice was small and tight as she held the tears at bay.

"I never wanted to hurt you." He said the words, even though he had never underestimated the pain he had caused. "But…" In the end, he had decided that the only way to give her the freedom she needed was to leave and not look back. Rip off the band-aid and make her hate him so that she could move past it and get on with her life.

"Well, you did. You may think you did me some big favor Elliot, but how could you possibly think you could just walk away? And that I'd just let you go? There are too many unanswered questions. Too many things unsaid."

"If I had showed up on your doorstep that next day, what would have said to me?" Elliot asked. He came around the chair and stopped a mere foot from where Olivia was standing. "If I would have told you that I was done. That I couldn't work with you anymore because for longer than I can remember, I knew that I would always choose you. _Always_. Without hesitation. What if I told you that with every case…with every passing day… it was getting harder and harder? What if I told you…" His voice choked up. "that on the night…I thought you'd been hit and my only thought was that I had failed you once again and I didn't know how I could possibly go on."

Elliot's words hit her like a tidal wave, and she reacted physically, taking a few steps backwards as her hands came up.

Elliot saw Olivia's retreat and the stunned look on her face, and he shook his head, disappointed by her reaction. "That's what I thought. You wouldn't be able to handle the truth." He turned to walk away but before he took his second step, he felt her hand on his arm, and he turned to face her. He saw the familiar fire in her eyes.

"What the hell _is_ the truth Elliot? I don't even know anymore. Everything I've heard since I've shown up here has been a jumble of excuses and stories about failure and right and wrong. But never once…not _once_ …now or in the past twelve years, have you had the balls to tell me the _truth_." She knew she was pushing him into a corner, and that sometimes that could backfire, but she had come up here for answers. If he couldn't be honest with her now, after everything they'd been through, then it was never going to happen. She leaned in slightly and stared back and forth between his eyes, willing him to answer. "If you can't tell me how you feel…right now…then I'll assume that everything I thought…has been a lie. And I'll walk out that door and never look back." Her heart was hammering out of her chest, and she felt almost ill at the prospect that he'd tell her to leave.

Elliot could see the intensity in Olivia's eyes…laced with fear…and he knew he didn't have the strength to deny her. He never had, and he'd been foolish to think he could ever stay away from her. He exhaled heavily, and he reached up with his left hand and brushed her hair back from her face. He felt her flinch slightly; surprised by his touch. "Olivia…"

Olivia saw the look on his face and the resignation in his voice. He was going to deny it, and she felt herself breaking into a million pieces.

She felt Elliot's fingers slip to her jaw, and she shifted her eyes away from his, so he wouldn't see the tears forming. But then he was moving closer and before she knew what was happening, she felt his lips on hers. The kiss was tentative…soft…and she gasped slightly.

Elliot used his fingers to tilt her head slightly upward, and he ghosted his lips over hers. "You want me to say it…I'll say it." He said softly. "I love you. I've loved you for a long time." He slid his fingers back along her jaw until he tangled them in her hair, and he pressed his mouth against hers lightly again. Tasting…exploring…as he kissed one corner…then another. He heard a small sound escape her lips, and she opened her mouth slightly. He took her bottom lip in between his, sucking on it lightly before he recaptured her mouth completely. His lifted his other hand until he framed her face, and he was kissing her earnestly now, deepening the kiss as he turned her head with his hands. She wasn't resisting…but it wasn't until that moment when she participated in the kiss.

Olivia slid one hand behind his head, holding Elliot to her. Her mind was reeling at the direction this had gone. She had expected to be running to her car in the rain with tears streaming down her face and now…

 _God._

Elliot was kissing her…

He was kissing her in a way that spoke of years of want…of lust and desire.

Her entire body was responding…speaking of years of pent-up desire of her own.

She knew now what people meant by the phrase _weak in the knees_ and _kissed senseless_. She felt those things…and more.

Elliot released her mouth, but then he kissed her eyes and her cheeks, peppering her entire face with soft kisses. He let out a small moan. He had wanted to kiss Olivia for as long as he could remember…and now it was happening. He kissed his way down her jaw until his lips were near her ear. "I love you."

Those three words were freeing…

He had held them in for so long.

Too long.

"Tell me that you love me Olivia." He whispered in her ear. He pulled back and looked into her eyes, and he saw tears on her lower lashes. He felt a moment of panic…

"I love you." Olivia said, unable to keep the tears from escaping. "I love you." She slipped her arms around his waist and felt him wrap his arms around her, holding her tightly against him. She lay her cheek against his chest, and she could hear his heartbeat thrumming steadily. And for the first time in months, she felt safe.

Like she was exactly where she was supposed to be.

Elliot held Olivia against him…his mind still reeling at how things had changed in just the last few hours. He thought about the courage it had taken Olivia to track him down…to challenge him. If she hadn't, they wouldn't be here right now. "I'm sorry." He said as he buried his face in her hair. He rocked them back and forth. "I'm so sorry…for everything."

Olivia pulled back slightly, and Elliot loosened his hold on her. She slid her arms up so they encircled his neck and looked up at him. "We're both responsible for what happened. For being afraid…"

Elliot shook his head. "I shouldn't have just left like that."

"You're right." Olivia said but then she softened her tone. "You're not off the hook for that."

Elliot gave her a crooked grin. "Damn." He lifted his left arm long enough to brush her hair back from her face. "I'll make it up to you. I promise."

Olivia gave him a small smile and rolled her eyes, but on the inside, her mind was still on overdrive. "What happens now?" There was a bit of awkwardness now, and she knew they both felt it.

"Well…we could kiss some more." Elliot said, rocking her body with his. He gave her another crooked smile, but he saw her raise an eyebrow at him. "Or…we could talk." He said resignedly. He would much rather kiss her again, but he knew they couldn't rush things.

"We have a lot to talk about." Olivia agreed. They had glossed over so many issues during the course of this afternoon. But now that everything was out in the open, she felt like they were ready to tackle them. She pulled away from him reluctantly, thinking about how easy it would be to fall in bed with him right now.

That crooked grin…that intense stare.

She felt it in the pit of her stomach.

Olivia looked out the window and noticed it has stopped raining. When she turned her attention back to Elliot, he was still staring at her. She felt her breath quicken. "A lot has happened today." She glanced over at the door. "Maybe…" She opened and closed her mouth. "Maybe it's better if we talk tomorrow. I have a room. In town. I can come back after we've had a chance to..." She held out her arm in a vague motion. "A lot has happened."

Elliot didn't want her to leave. He had some irrational fear that once she left, she'd come to her senses and decide this had all been a mistake.

"Elliot. I'll come back."

He nodded, wondering for the one hundredth time, how the hell she could always read his mind.

Olivia hesitated, but Elliot only nodded. She headed around the couch and then towards the door, but two seconds later, he intercepted her, blocking her path to the door.

"Don't go."

"Elliot." Olivia said softly. She didn't want to go either, but she didn't trust herself to be here alone with him.

"Just stay. And we won't talk about anything. We'll just…" He looked around the cabin. "We can make dinner and maybe…" He was grasping at straws. He needed to let her know that he wasn't going to push her, even though the only thing he could think about was kissing her again. "We can go for a walk or…" He paused for a moment. "I have an extra room, so you don't have to worry about…" He swallowed hard now. Talking about sex with Olivia wasn't something he did every day.

He almost laughed at the irony in that thought.

Olivia placed the palm of her hand on his chest, feeling a blush heat her cheeks. "Stop talking." She said. "I'll stay. In the extra room." She added quickly.

Elliot relaxed slightly, smiling when he saw the pink hue in her cheeks. He didn't think he had ever seen Olivia blush the entire time he'd known her. It was fucking adorable…a word he didn't usually associate with her.

He was in so much trouble.

"OK." He said.

"OK." Olivia said, letting out her breath slowly.

"So…what do you want to do?" Elliot asked. Now that she had agreed to stay, he didn't quite know what to do or say.

Olivia could tell her was slightly nervous, and it made her smile. "How about you offer me something to drink?" She asked. "I think I'm ready for that beer now."


	7. Chapter 7

_AN: Hey everyone. I struggled to get this done and I'm sorry. Had to make a little detour to NYC! Got to see the season premiere and the current cast! Plus met some other fans (who I will not name here but it was fun!). No worries, this story isn't over. I just wanted to get something posted. More will be coming._

EOEOEO

Olivia shrugged Elliot's sweatpants off her body and pulled his sweatshirt over her head. She had tried to tell Elliot that he didn't need to run out and get her bag from her car, but he had insisted. She had smiled as she'd stood in the open doorway and watched him jog across the grass, understanding his need for a brief respite.

In the course of just a few hours, everything had changed for them.

Everything they'd been fighting against and fighting for…

This much change was going to take some time to adjust to, and it was already fueling some awkwardness between them.

She had no illusions that it was going to be easy. There was lots of new territory to explore and years of denial to overcome.

But still…

Just the thought that she could kiss him…and touch him…

It felt deliciously sinful as she thought about it now.

She couldn't stop smiling.

Olivia sighed as she pulled on a pair of black leggings. She dug through her duffle bag until she found a black tank top and a longer black V-neck sweater. She pulled it down over her hips and looked in the mirror to make sure it was covering her ass. She caught herself adjusting it to make it settle differently on her upper thighs, and bit back a smile. Elliot had seen her in everything from evening wear to clothes she'd slept in overnight…she didn't need to impress him.

He loved her.

The thought of it took her breath away, and she sat down hard on the bed.

She didn't know what the next few hours were going to hold, but she found that she was equal parts excited and equal parts terrified.

She jumped when she heard a knock on the door.

"You ever gonna come out of there?" He had been trying to wait patiently after handing over her black duffle bag and watching her disappear into the spare room, but a half an hour had passed, and she hadn't re-emerged. If she was half as nervous as he was, he understood completely, but she had to come out as some point.

It was his turn to be startled as the door opened suddenly, and he stepped back quickly.

"I was getting changed."

"For half an hour?" Elliot teased, taking in her casual attire. He loved the way the leggings and sweater hugged her hips, and he loved that he could think about that without feeling guilty.

Not that his guilt had stopped him before.

"I didn't know there was a time limit." Olivia said, raising her eyebrow in a mock challenge, but letting a small smile grace her lips. She hadn't missed the way Elliot had been casually checking her out. She supposed it was payback for the way her eyes had strayed when he'd been standing shirtless in the kitchen just a few hours ago.

"I just wanted to make sure you were finding everything you needed and that everything was ok." Elliot said, putting his hands up in a defensive gesture. He took a few steps back as he saw Olivia roll her eyes and push playfully past him. He followed her as she made her way into the living room and stood near the fire.

Olivia rubbed her hands together, trying to get the chill out; it had been cold in the bedroom. A few minutes passed, and she turned to see Elliot standing near the edge of the room, watching her. She raised both eyebrows slightly. "So…" She didn't have any idea what came next, and it was clear Elliot didn't either. She would laugh if it wasn't a little pathetic. They'd never had an issue spending time together before, and she knew that this was a symptom of their new reality.

"You hungry?" Elliot asked.

Olivia shook her head. "Not really."

Elliot glanced out the window. "How about a walk? It's not raining." He looked back at Olivia. "There's a rough path that kind of winds around the lake a bit."

"Another part of the tour?" She teased, remembering the tour he had initiated earlier to avoid talking.

"Nah. I just wanted to show you around. I've really come to love this place." He didn't know why it felt so important all of a sudden, but he really wanted Olivia to love it as well.

"I'm a city girl El…" Olivia said with a smile. "Are you trying to convert me?"

Elliot grinned. "Just get your shoes on." He said as he walked over to some hooks nailed to the wall by the door. He lifted down a jacket and looked over at her. "I don't suppose you brought a jacket?"

When Olivia shook her head, he grabbed another one off the hook and handed it to her. "It's cold and damp in the woods."

Olivia followed Elliot out of the cabin, and a half minute later, they were headed down a very narrow path that quick enshrouded them in trees. Olivia wasn't certain she would have even seen the path if Elliot hadn't gone ahead of her. But they were only a few yards in when it widened out, and Olivia realized it was more of a real path.

Elliot slowed for a step until she caught up with him, and they fell into a casual stride together. They were both quiet, taking in the scenery. There were breaks in the trees and Olivia realized that the path was following the banks of the lake.

"Can I hold your hand?" Elliot asked.

Olivia glanced over at him, and saw he was staring straight ahead. She smiled slightly at the sweet gesture of asking permission. She'd always thought of Elliot as the kind of guy that would take charge and be bold, but she knew she had a lot to learn about this side of her partner.

She didn't answer but slipped her hand in his in response. He squeezed her hand lightly and she saw a smile on his face even though he still didn't look over at her.

They made small talk as they walked. Elliot pointed out various things along the way, including great fishing spots on the lake and the location of other small cabins that dotted the shoreline, and Olivia was surprised by how much of the place he had absorbed.

"Hey, come over here." Elliot said, tugging her arm.

Olivia saw there was a break in the trees and a small spot of land that jutted out into the water. There were two large rocks, and before she knew it, she and Elliot were sitting down next to each other.

"This is a great spot to just watch."

Olivia looked around the lake, seeing absolutely nothing but the waves caused by the breeze that was blowing. "Yeah…it's like people watching in Central Park. Lots going on." She teased.

Elliot bumped his shoulder against hers. "Just take it in. The quiet. Breathe."

Olivia almost laughed and then she realized he was being serious.

"I can see you rolling your eyes over there Olivia." Elliot said without even turning his head. "But this past month up here…" He let out a sigh. "I needed this."

"I get it." Olivia said. Honestly, she did. She had certainly felt the need to escape at different times in her life and getting away from the continuous stream of chaos of the city can be restorative. She remembered laying in a tent in Oregon…listening to the sounds of leaves rustling and small, furtive noises from the local wildlife.

Oregon.

She wasn't going to bring that up now.

Elliot had his hand resting on his thigh, and Olivia slid her hand over his and squeezed lightly. "I'm glad being here helped you."

"I just…" He looked over at her. "I just needed some time and space." He didn't want to start another argument or get into all the reasons why again, but she seemed content with his answer. He smiled as he looked at her. The wind had colored her cheeks and blown her hair and she looked happy. His eyes moved back and forth between hers and he leaned in every so slightly. "Can I kiss you?" he asked.

Olivia's eyes widened slightly, certain that had been his intent and surprised that he had stopped himself and asked permission again. "Are you going to ask me every time you want to touch me or kiss me?" She asked, adding a playful tone to her voice to keep it from sounding too serious.

Elliot shrugged slightly. "This is all so…" he searched for the word. "For so long I've had to work hard _not_ to reach for you or kiss you and now it seems…"

"You can kiss me." Olivia said softly, understanding exactly what he was trying to articulate. She leaned forward and slid her right hand around the back of Elliot's head, pulling him lightly towards her. She pressed her lips to his, feeling a momentary hesitation from him before he turned his head and deepened the kiss. Olivia tilted her head slightly as she felt Elliot's hand slide beneath her open jacket and land at her waist.

Elliot rested his hand on her waist, but the angle sitting on the edge of these rocks made it awkward, and he broke the kiss in frustration. He stood up and grabbed the lapels of the oversized jacket she was wearing…his jacket…and tugged her upwards.

"C'mere." He said gruffly as he pulled her to her feet. "If I'm going to get to kiss you, I want to feel it."

Olivia wasn't sure what he meant by his gruff comment, but moments later, Elliot snaked his left arm back beneath the jacket and around to the small of her back and pulled her body towards his. It was seconds before his mouth was on hers, and he was sucking her bottom lip between his. He lifted his right hand and tangled his fingers in her hair, tilting his head again as he opened her mouth with his.

Olivia felt a tingle deep in her belly as he slipped his tongue inside her mouth, and a moan from his mouth sent spirals of heat through her body.

Any chill from the day was gone and she slipped her own arms beneath his jacket and dug her fingers into his lower back.

Elliot's kiss was different than the one he'd given her in the cabin. While that spoke of desire and longing…this kiss was all about lust and heat and possession.

Elliot could feel his body starting to react as Olivia's tongue tangled with his own. She wasn't holding back, and he could feel the bite of her nails through the fabric of his t-shirt. He knew now that it was dangerous for her to have stayed. That the promises he'd made to her, and to himself, were going to be hard to keep.

 _God_ , he wanted this woman. In every possible meaning of the word.

It was Olivia that broke the kiss, as if she had read his mind. Or maybe she was having the same thoughts he was. Her breathing was ragged, and he didn't know if the color in her cheeks was from heat or the cold…but he'd like to think he had something to do with it. He slipped his arm from beneath her jacket and looked at the red swell of her lips.

He had to look away to keep himself from reaching for her again.

"Maybe we should keep walking." She said, her voice betraying her as her words came out in a raspy whisper.

Elliot didn't respond, even though he thought it was a pretty damn good idea. It was taking all his willpower not to pull her against him again. It had all happened so quickly, and he hadn't had time to catalogue the feel of her against him…the softness of her breasts as they pressed into his chest or the feel of her thighs against his.

Well…maybe he had registered it a little.

But not damn near enough.

He took a deep breath, trying to focus himself on the present. He saw Olivia standing there a few feet away…watching him. His jacket hung off her shoulders, making her look small, and the color was still in her cheekbones. The wind blew her hair, and as he watched, she reached up trying to brush away the hair that covered her face. She was smiling at him…waiting…and his heart skipped a beat.

In that moment, Elliot fell in love with her all over again. Any residual doubt or hesitation left him. All the concerns he'd had about whether or not they could make a future together, imagined or real, were meaningless. He would apologize a million times over for ever hurting her. And he would make it his life's work to make sure he never hurt her again.

He would never doubt that he'd made the right choice in letting her into his life…into his heart.

TBC


	8. Chapter 8

Olivia stood at the counter, slicing up tomatoes, acutely aware of Elliot's movement around her. He brushed her arm as he reached into the refrigerator for something…and moments later his hip bumped into hers as he dug in a cupboard for a bowl. At first, she'd thought it was accidental as the kitchen was incredibly small, but now she realized it wasn't _that_ small. She bit back a small smile at the somewhat juvenile behavior but couldn't deny it was having an effect on her.

She almost wanted to make a smartass comment about touching her without asking permission, but she was afraid he'd stop if she called him on it.

And she didn't want it to stop.

"Need help?"

Olivia jumped slightly. She'd been lost in thought and didn't realized he was standing right behind her. He was doing a great job of keeping his body from touching hers as he looked over her shoulder, but she still felt a small tingle down her spine. "Why do you think I need help?"

"Because you're not cutting anything."

Olivia realized she'd stopped working as her mind had wandered, which, considering she was holding a sharp knife, was probably ok.

"I'd be happy to share my technique." Elliot offered when she didn't resume dicing the tomatoes. He loved the fact that he had obviously distracted her, and that she hadn't seemed to mind his innocent, incidental touches as they'd worked together in the kitchen.

Olivia laughed at his innuendo-laden comment. "I'm doing just fine." She pushed her shoulders back, knocking him backwards slightly, and smiled.

"Fine…but I'm here if you need me."

Elliot moved over to the stove, adding garlic and onions to the large pot. He glanced over at Olivia again as she bent over slightly, intent on the work in front of her. The room was warm, and the air was full of the smell of the red sauce they were making. Elliot looked around at the scene they made and imagined the possibility of hundreds more like it.

This was the happiest he'd been in a long time.

All because of her.

Elliot walked back over to where she was standing and hesitated only a second before he reached around her and placed his hands over hers, stilling her movement. When she had lay the knife down, he wrapped his arms around hers and rested his chin lightly on her shoulder. "I'm so happy that you're here." He said, practically whispering in her ear. "If you hadn't had the guts to come up here…"

"Don't." Olivia said softly, pulling her hand off the knife.

Elliot was confused for a moment, wondering if she wanted him to release her, but then she was leaning back into him.

"I'm here…" Olivia continued "This is good, so…"

"Don't ruin it." Elliot finished for her.

"Yeah. Something like that." She was enjoying this evening and didn't want any heavy discussion. They would have to tackle it, but not right now. "That doesn't mean you're off the hook though. We still have a lot to talk about."

"Just not tonight." Elliot confirmed.

"Not tonight."

They stood like that for a few moments, each seemingly lost in their own thoughts, before Olivia broke the silence. "I'm done with the tomatoes." She said quietly.

"Hmm." Elliot released her reluctantly, but the moment there was a little space between them, Olivia turned around to face him. She looked up at him…watching him…as she reached up and put her hands lightly on his shoulders. The look she gave him was almost shy, and it crossed his mind that they were both seeing a side of each other that they didn't know very well.

"Kiss me?" She asked softly, a small thread of excitement snaking through her body at being able to ask him that.

Elliot's eyes dropped to her mouth and back up to her eyes, surprised to hear her breathy request.

She was going to be the death of him.

He leaned in and captured her lips softly, framing her face with his hands. He sucked her bottom lip in between his, and then her top lip, before covering her mouth with his completely. Olivia slid her hands from his shoulders down his chest, flattening one palm against him so she wouldn't be tempted to pull his body against hers. The kiss was slow and sensual, and she could tell that Elliot was holding back. He broke the kiss…his breathing already ragged. He braced his arms on either side of her and looked back and forth between her eyes.

"You know…I wondered…" Elliot stopped, not sure how to articulate what he was thinking.

When he didn't answer, she prodded him a little. "What?"

Elliot opened his mouth to speak, and then closed it again.

"Just say it El. No holding back. Not anymore." Olivia said, pressing her hand against his chest again. They were both talking in hushed tones, as if neither wanted to ruin the mood and the intimacy that had been created in the small space.

"I wondered if…" He took in a breath. "If our time had passed." He saw the confusion on Olivia's face, and he spoke quickly, so he could explain what he meant. "For so many years, I imagined what we would be like…together…." He couldn't bring himself to say anything more than that. "We seemed to have this…chemistry…this energy between us and I thought it would be..." He couldn't find the words to explain the passion and the absolute explosion he expected if he were ever lucky enough to bed her. "I thought it would be..." Words failed him again, but he knew she understood what he was trying to say. He paused for a moment. "But then a few months ago, I started to wonder if maybe it was too late. If we had blown this up to something so unimaginable in our minds…if too much time had passed…that if we ever…" He shook his head and dropped his eyes from hers. "If it would be too late and this connection…this passion… I had imagined wouldn't be there." He shook his head.

Olivia understood exactly what he was saying, as she'd had the same thought herself. She had wondered if a kiss from Elliot wouldn't hold the magic she had always thought it would…that too much time had passed or that they had mistaken their feelings. That they were destined to be friends.

With the way he had kissed her, there was no way that it was true. That he hadn't felt the same tightness in his belly and the heat in his body that she had. But still… she was on uncertain ground here. Maybe this entire afternoon had been some kind of test for him…to suss out how he was really feeling. "And?" she asked, somewhat fearfully.

Elliot leaned in and pressed his forehead to hers. "And…" He smiled. "I'm a fucking idiot."

EOEOEOEO

Olivia was curled up on the couch and was feeling warm and slightly fuzzy after having two glasses of wine. Dinner had been a slow affair, with measured conversation and plenty of lingering looks, but they'd seemed to come to some kind of mutual agreement that touching each other right now wasn't a good idea.

The fire was burning brightly, and it cast moving shadows across Elliot's face as he sat in the large chair near the opposite end of the couch. Every once in a while, he poked at it, or added a log, and the warmth reach Olivia. She threw off the blanket and rucked up the sleeves of her sweater.

"Getting too warm?" Elliot asked. If she took off her sweater…God help him. "I can open a window." He watched her face for a reaction, mesmerized by the way the fire made her skin glow.

"I'm fine." Olivia said quietly.

Elliot took another sip of his beer and he stared down at it as he rolled the bottle between his hands. He let out a heavy sigh and leaned back in the oversized chair.

Olivia considered letting it pass, but it was clear something was on his mind. She let another minute pass, and the room was silent except for the crackling of the fire. Finally, she broke the silence. "That was a heavy sigh."

Elliot chuckled quietly. "I guess it was."

"Want to tell me what's on your mind?"

"We agreed we weren't going to talk about anything tonight."

Olivia nodded, and took another sip of her wine. They'd almost finished the bottle, and Elliot had switched to beer. Maybe it wasn't a good idea.

And yet.

Maybe he'd be more honest with her.

And maybe she'd be more honest with him.

She shrugged her shoulders, as if to say it was up to him. "We were probably fooling ourselves to think it would be that easy. But if you don't feel like talking…" She let the words hang there, watching him as he focused on his beer bottle and picked at the label with his fingers.

Silence filled the room again, and then the logs shifted on the fire, sounding loud in the quiet room. Elliot got up, thankful for the distraction. He set his beer bottle on the mantel and picked up the fireplace tongs. He restacked the logs, and then added another one to the pile. The flames leapt and danced, and he stood with his arms braced against the mantle as he thought about what he wanted to say.

Olivia watched him…her eyes trained on the way his shirt stretched across his back and the muscles in his arms moved beneath the surface of his skin as he shifted back and forth on his feet. She had often wondered what that strength would be like…seeing him poised above her…and now that it could be a startling reality, it made her shiver.

Elliot turned to face her, and she felt a moment of guilt, as if he knew what she'd been thinking. But she saw a serious expression on his face and knew he hadn't picked up on it.

He let out another sigh and looked straight into her eyes. "I don't know how to do this…with you." He sat back down in the chair, falling hard against the seat of it.

Olivia furrowed her brows in confusion. "Do what?"

Elliot gestured towards her. "Do this…" He dropped his hands back in his lap. "Date."

Olivia raised one eyebrow and stared back at him. "Is that what we're doing? Dating?" There was a small bite of sarcasm in her voice because honestly…she didn't know if she could call having a relationship with Elliot _dating_.

It seemed too mundane…ordinary.

Elliot shrugged. "What we call it doesn't matter. What I'm saying is…I don't know. I haven't dated anyone for more than 30 years and you…" He waved a hand in her direction again.

"I what?" Olivia was really interested in where he was taking this conversation. She waited a beat to see if he was going to clarify, but she could tell he was trying to choose his words carefully. "Does the number of men I've slept with bother you?"

Elliot scowled, narrowing his eyes. "I wasn't talking about sex, but now that you bring it up, that's part of it."

Olivia sat up slightly. "Seriously, you're going to have an issue with that? I can't believe you."

"No." Elliot said hurriedly. "That's not what I'm talking about." He let out another frustrated sigh. "What I'm trying to say is that it's hard because for so many years, I had to keep telling myself not to stare for too long…to stop thinking about kissing you…to focus on keeping my hands to myself when I wanted to reach out and touch you. I felt guilty for thinking about you…like _that_. I felt guilty when I lay in bed and wished it was you that was lying next to me." He looked at Olivia for some kind of reaction to what he was saying, but she was keeping her expression surprisingly neutral. He didn't know what to make of it, but he continued. "So…yeah. It's hard now to think that I can kiss you and touch you and …"

This piqued Olivia's curiosity, because he seemed to be avoiding the subject of sex completely, as if he wasn't sure if that's where things were headed or that he would sound presumptuous. "And?"

Elliot pressed his lips together and gave her a measured look. "The point is…it's just strange." He leaned back in his chair again. "You don't find it difficult to just forget about all that and just…" He let out another sigh.

Olivia struggled to understand where he was coming from. She wondered if her view _was_ jaded because she'd had numerous relationships in her life, so she _was_ used to diving into new dynamics and navigating new sexual experiences. She lifted her shoulders slightly as she opened her mouth, but then she paused a second. "I don't know if I'd call it strange. I guess I'm…" She shook her head very slightly. "I'm a little nervous about where this is all headed, but the physical part…" She couldn't bite back the small smile on her face. "I've thought about it for so long that I'm…I guess I'm more excited than anxious about that part. But maybe that's because…well…I mean. You've been married for a long time and so I can see where that might be…" She didn't finish her thought. She never imagined that starting a new relationship might be a little scary for him.

Elliot scrubbed his hands over his face. He was doing a shitty job of explaining himself. "This is why I suck at this." He said. "I'm not nervous about the physical part Olivia." He said with strained impatience at his own ability to communicate. "I'm just having a hard time rationalizing in my mind that as of this morning, I was doing my damnedest to try to forget you…to forget how I felt about you. And now tonight, I'm kissing you and we're heading down a path I hadn't expected and the only thing I could think about was where to put my hands while I'm kissing you. And then I'm telling myself to stop thinking about carrying you off to bed because we're not ready for that and I owe you so many apologies for so many things and I haven't earned _any_ of this."

Olivia was stunned by his rushed admissions. She pushed herself up from her place on the couch and moved until she was standing in front of him. She sat down on the coffee table, her knees fitting perfectly just inside of his. Elliot stayed where he was with his back against the chair, but his gaze was fixed on her. Olivia placed her hands lightly over his. "Elliot…" She said softly. "We both agree that we have a lot of crap to talk through, but it's not going to happen overnight." She squeezed his hands lightly. "We're both willing to admit that we've thought about this for a long time. We've both admitted that we love each other." Her voice wavered slightly as she said the word _love_. It sounded strange on her lips. "I know you want to take things slowly, and I get that. If we're going to have any kind of relationship, it can't be just based on the physical. But honestly…we were best friends. We know everything about each other. Or at least a hell of a lot…" She smiled. "Good and bad." She was rewarded with a twitch of his lips as he tried not to break into a grin." "I think we have to agree not to be afraid, and to be honest with each other if either of us feels like things are going too quickly. And we have to agree that we have to strike a balance because it's easy to avoid talking about the things we'd rather not talk about." She squeezed his hands again. "Do you agree?"

Elliot nodded. He turned his hands over and wrapped his fingers around her hands. "I trust you Olivia. But I also know that I've hurt you, and I don't want you to think that I just want to sweep all that under the rug. In fact, I'd be willing to bet money that you were probably planning on coming up here and slapping me across the face for what I'd done."

Olivia raised an eyebrow. "It may have crossed my mind."

Elliot laughed. She had said she was going to be honest. He leaned forward slightly. "I wouldn't have been shocked, and I wouldn't have blamed you." He paused for a second, looking back and forth between her eyes. "I hear everything you've said, and I'm glad you're better at spelling things out then I am." He gave her a small smile. "Can you stay here for a few days? With me? And we can try to figure things out?"

Olivia nodded. "I think I can do that. We can see how that works out." She didn't want to overcommit. There was a small part of her that was worried about how the dynamics would change over the next few days. "It's been kind of a crazy day and …"

"I get it." Elliot said. "We'll take it day by day."

"Day by day." Olivia said, nodding along with him.

Elliot reached up with his left hand, trailing his fingers up her jaw until he was brushing her hair back from her face and tucking it behind her ear. "You don't know how may times I've wanted to do that." He said quietly as he let his hand drop.

Olivia let out a small laugh…surprised by the intimacy of that moment. She saw the way Elliot's eyes darkened as he looked at her, and she felt a pull deep in her belly. She parted her lips slightly, but hesitated a moment before she spoke, unsure of what she was going to say. "I think…maybe…" She gave him another small smile. "I think I'm going to go to bed. It's been a long day."

Elliot wanted to stop her…to tell her to stay…but he understood her need to escape. When she woke up this morning, she couldn't have imagined what this day would hold. "OK. Good night Liv." He wanted to give her a kiss, but he wasn't sure…but in the next second, she leaned in and pressed her lips softly against his.

"Good night." She said softly as she stood up. She walked past him, and around the couch, but she stopped before she had moved past it. She turned back towards Elliot, placing her hands on the back of the couch. "El?"

Elliot raised his eyebrows, watching her intently. He sat up and leaned forward, ready to acquiesce to whatever she asked. "Yeah?"

"For future reference…you don't have to worry about where to put your hands."


	9. Chapter 9

Elliot sat at the kitchen table with his hands wrapped around his mug of coffee. It was still early, and he could see the first streaks of sunlight breaking through the trees and lighting the lake. He would have liked to watch the sunrise, but at the end of each day, he was happier to sit on the porch and watch the sun dip low in the sky over the lake until it disappeared behind the trees.

He stifled a yawn, wondering how he was going to get through the day. He would most likely have to make second pot of coffee. Especially if Olivia'd had a restless night like he had.

He bit back another yawn. It hadn't been exactly restless. After he had watched her disappear into her room and heard the firm click of the door, he'd spent the better part of the next hour in front of the fire, turning her comment over and over in his mind. She obviously had no issue with pushing ahead with the physical part of their relationship. She seemed to believe the emotional and the physical were two separate things…and maybe it had been like that for her in the past. Maybe her physical needs had been a priority and she'd been willing to forgo any kind of emotional attachment to the men she'd had in her life.

Or worse yet, maybe her emotional attachment had been to him…

Maybe that was why he hated dated while he'd been separated. He had been emotionally tied to Kathy and to Olivia, and he couldn't commit anything to anyone else, or just jump into bed with them.

Elliot let out a quiet groan as he took a sip of coffee. It was these thoughts, and others like them, that had kept him laying in bed in pretty much the same spot all night, with his arm thrown over his head and the clock ticking on the nightstand, measuring the moments until he'd finally given in and gotten up.

His bare feet brushed against the floor, and he realized just how cold they were. He was going to have to get the portable heaters going on these cold autumn nights, instead of just relying on the fireplace. He wondered if Olivia had been warm enough in her room. He wondered what she wore to bed…

 _Christ…_

He had to get himself together. The woman had been here less than 24 hours and he was already imagining her naked in bed…

Not that he hadn't had those thoughts before.

But right now, she was laying less than ten feet from him, and it was almost unbearable. He tried not to think about her nude form slipping into bed. He tried not to imagine her taking a sharp breath as the cold sheets connected with her skin…or imagine how her nipples hardened as she pulled the blankets up over her breasts.

 _Christ_ , he was going to hell.

The woman lying in the room next to him had been the subject of so many dreams, waking and asleep. Hell…they weren't all dreams. She'd be mortified if she knew some of the thoughts running through his mind as he had stared at her from across their desks…the car…the cribs.

Elliot shifted uncomfortably in his chair and took another slug of coffee. He realized it had grown cold, and he stood up and walked over to the coffee machine. As he poured another glass, he heard Olivia's door open, and he felt a small tremor in his gut. When she walked around the corner, he couldn't help but smile. She was wearing the same sweats he'd given her yesterday, she had big, heavy socks on her feet, and her hair was tousled. She was rubbing at her right eye with a balled fist and yawning…and the sight tugged at his heart.

"You never were a morning person." He said quietly. He lifted up his mug. "Coffee?"

Olivia walked over to where he was standing and took the mug from his hand. "Sure." She took a sip and shuffled back towards the table with Elliot's rumbling laughter following her. As she slid into the seat, she noticed the sunlight streaking across the light.

"Ohhh." She said softly as she set down the mug. "How beautiful." She watched as Elliot sat down in the chair to her left, at the end of the table. "It's so…peaceful."

"Yeah." Elliot said with a sigh. It was one of the reasons he'd stayed here longer than he had originally planned. It was one of the reasons he saw himself staying here for as long as possible. "Can you see yourself living someplace like this?" He asked.

Olivia raised an eyebrow, surprised by Elliot's question. It was vague to some degree, but specific enough to be meaningful. She knew he was waiting for her to respond, but it was way too early in the morning…and she hadn't had enough coffee. She had a flippant comment on her lips, but when she glanced at him, she saw an earnestness in his expression. Her answer meant a lot to him. "I guess I never thought about it." She said. It was the best she could do. He seemed to accept her answer.

They sat in companionable silence for a few minutes, watching the sky brighten as they sipped their coffee. Elliot looked over at Olivia, and he thought he could die a happy man if he could spend the rest of his mornings like this. Olivia yawned, and he loved the way her nose crinkled before she lifted her hand to cover her open mouth.

"Did you have trouble sleeping?" Elliot asked. He hoped that yesterday had left the same impact on her as it had on him.

"I was pretty exhausted." She offered. There was no way she was going to confess to laying in bed, thinking untoward thoughts about her ex-partner and his hands. She would have loved to have seen the expression on his face as she had dropped that line…but from the fatigue in his features and his question, she had to assume he'd struggled to sleep as well.

She had fallen asleep after a while, as the emotion of the day had caught up with her, only to wake in the middle of the night, shivering in the cold room. She had searched around in the dark until she'd found his sweats and had pulled them on before snuggling under the blankets again. It had helped, but she was still a little chilled when she'd woken up this morning.

"Hmm." Elliot mumbled, sensing that she wasn't quite telling her the truth. He saw her shiver. "It's cold in here."

"I'm fine." Olivia said, slowly sipping her coffee. She held the warm mug in her hands and stared out at the lake. She was always a little slow to wake up, but it was quiet here, and it seemed to give her permission to take her time. She saw a boat far out on the lake and wondered absently who would be out there in the cold this early.

Olivia was distracted as Elliot pushed himself out of his chair and went into the living room. She heard the sound of more wood being put on the fire, and then he was walking back into the room.

"I'll put a heater in your room tonight." Elliot said. "The heat from the fireplace doesn't get into your room when you have the door closed.

Olivia raised an eyebrow. "Maybe I can keep my door open." She smiled as the way her comment seemed to fluster him slightly, but she got him a break and looked back out at the lake. "What idiot is out there in this weather?"

"It's sunny."

"And cold." Olivia countered.

"Best fishing is early in the morning. And the fish don't really care how cold it is." He actually didn't know if that was true, but it sounded good."

"That sounds made up." Olivia said. She could always tell when he was bullshitting her.

Elliot shrugged and smirked a little, but he didn't back down. "What do you want to do today?" he asked.

Olivia raised both brows. The coffee was starting to kick in now and the sleepiness was dissipating. "I don't know. What do you typically do?"

"Depends..." He leaned forward, resting his arms on the table. "On what needs to be done."

"OK." Olivia said, with slight exasperation in her voice. "What would you be doing today, if I wasn't here?"

"Doesn't matter because you _are_ here."

"It's too early for this circular conversation." Olivia said.

"You can crawl back into bed and get some more sleep." Elliot offered. "We aren't on any schedule here."

"Nah." Olivia knew she wouldn't be able to get back to sleep. "I just need more coffee and a hot shower." She needed to get the chill out of her bones. "I assume I can use your…"

"Sure." Elliot chimed in before she had even finished her sentence. "I'll get you some towels." He was already on his way out of the kitchen before she could even stand up. Olivia walked over to the coffee pot and refilled her mug…well…Elliot's mug.

 _A good friend will help you move. A best friend will help you move the body_.

Olivia smiled at the words printed on the mug, and she wondered if these had been here or if Elliot had bought the mug.

She heard Elliot talking to her and realized he had expected her to follow him. She padded into the hallway and then paused at the door to the bathroom.

"Oh. There you are." Elliot was holding two white towels in his hands.

Olivia looked at the old claw tub bathtub and the white shower curtain that was hung around a rail that was hung from the ceiling. She had looked at it during an earlier trip to the bathroom, wondering if it was actually functioning, but she'd see a line of shampoo bottles and body washes lined up on a shelf, and a showerhead coming out of the wall, so she had assumed it was.

Elliot set the towels on the vanity, and he saw Olivia's look of skepticism. "It works. Just fiddle with the knobs a little to get the temperature right before you get in. It's a little temperamental sometimes." He pulled back the curtain. "You can use whatever shampoo and stuff you need. It's all mine. Some is the girls…" He shrugged his shoulders but felt the need to explain women's shampoo and body wash in his shower. He stood there awkwardly for a moment as she made no move to come into the bathroom. He motioned towards the cold and hot water knobs. "Do you want me to get it started for you or…"

"I think I can manage."

"Of course." Elliot said, realizing she couldn't come into the small room because he was taking up all the space in the small room. "I'll leave you to it."

Olivia stepped back to let Elliot through, an amused smile on her face. He was trying so hard and it verged on adorable. I word she would have never associated with him. As he passed, she reached out and touched his arm light. He stopped and turned to look at her. "Thanks." She said. "And when I'm done with my shower, maybe we can figure out what we want to do. Together."

Elliot nodded as he left her and headed back into the kitchen. He had decided he was going to make her breakfast and surprise her when she got out of the shower. He could hear the water running, and knew he had to work quickly. Which was good, because then he'd be focused on the food, and not on Olivia.

And the shower.

Olivia slipped off her sweats…Elliot's sweats…and the tank and underwear she'd had on beneath. She checked the water temperature and was pleasantly surprised to find the water was hot. As she stepped carefully into the tub, she pulled the curtain around. The metal rings clattered against the metal bar, sounding loud in the room.

The hot water was a relief, easing the chill in her bones almost immediately. She leaned one hand against the wall that housed the showerhead, and let the hot spray run down over her head. The water sluiced down her body and she almost let out a moan as she felt the tension leave her body. She hadn't even realized she was tense, but she shouldn't have been surprised with everything that had happened in the last 24 hours.

It was absolutely insane that she was standing here, taking a shower, with Elliot just a few feet away. Elliot was right when he had said he had expected her to unleash her anger the moment she saw him. She had half-expected it too. She couldn't quite explain why she'd reacted the way she had, and why she seemed content to let go of her anger.

Maybe it was because she was tired of being angry.

It was exhausting.

And really served no purpose. So, what if she raged and yelled? What would that accomplish? It barely seemed worth the energy.

A shrink would tell her that she was letting him off the hook again, at her own expense. That she was allowing him to treat her in a way that was something less than she deserved.

Well…fuck that.

Elliot had spoken to her more…divulged more…to her in the past 24 hours than he had in their entire time together. He had shown her his vulnerability. He had told her that he _loved_ her.

Elliot didn't take those words lightly. She knew that for a fact.

It wasn't meant to manipulate or to avoid responsibility for his actions.

He'd meant it.

Olivia massaged some shampoo into her hair as her mind wandered to the delicious thoughts that had kept her up half the night. She left the shampoo in her hair and squeezed some body wash into her hands. She ran them across her abdomen, lathering her hands against her skin. She ran her soapy hands up over her stomach, and then took her breasts in her hands. She squeezed lightly, imagining her hands were his, and her eyes slid closed. She continued to massage her breasts, thumbing her peaked nipples as she imagined him standing with her in the shower…his body pressing into hers from behind…his hands squeezing…searching. Small moans were tripping from her mouth as she thought about his erection pressing into her ass. She had no doubt that he was well endowed in that area…there had to be something behind that swagger of his.

Olivia slid her hands downward, her whole body tensing in anticipation as she imagined his big hands sliding down between her legs…

Elliot heard a yelp, followed by a small scream and a loud thump, coming from the bathroom. He dropped the carton of eggs and tore towards the bathroom. "Olivia?!" He yelled as he pushed open the bathroom door with enough force that it banged into the wall. "Are you ok?" The words were out of his mouth before he could take full stock of the situation, but he yelled her name again as he saw her half in and out of the tub…the shower curtain tangled awkwardly around her. "Oh my God! Olivia!"

Olivia had landed awkwardly on her side, and her legs were still inside the tub, when Elliot had burst into the bathroom. She had ripped the shower curtain off the rod as she had fallen, and it was in her arms as she fell onto her left shoulder. Her head had bounced off the floor, and she felt slightly dazed. She looked up and saw Elliot leaning over her, and it barely registered as stared down at her.

"Are you ok?" He saw the glazed look in her eyes, but she blinked a few times rapidly, seemingly gathering herself. He realized then that she was clutching the shower curtain, but while it was covering her chest, it wasn't doing much to cover anything else. He could see the bare skin of her hips and her thighs and he quickly looked back up at her face. He reached up and grabbed the towel off the vanity and threw it over her. "Are you hurt?"

Olivia furrowed her brow and tried to get up, feeling incredibly embarrassed. "I'm fine." She said, trying to push herself up. But her legs were tangled in the curtain and she couldn't seem to get herself up without uncovering herself completely.

"Liv." Elliot lifted her legs from the tub onto the floor, and then he reached down and put his right arm around her shoulder lifting her up off the floor. When she was sitting up, he wrapped the other towel around her shoulders, covering her. "Stay here." He said. He stood up and ran into his room, grabbing a robe off the back of the door. He hurried back into the bathroom and handed it to her. "Here, put this on." He turned around, so she could untangle herself from the towels and the curtain, and he heard her shuffling around behind him as she complied. "OK?"

"OK." She said as she tied the belt around her waist and situated the oversized robe over her legs.

Elliot turned around. "What the hell happened?" He squatted down in front of her, taking in the shampoo in her hair and the soap on the floor. "Are you hurt?"

"I don't think so." She reached up to the spot on her head that had hit the floor. It felt a little tender, but she didn't think there was any blood. Although it was hard to tell.

God, this was so embarrassing.

"What happened?"

"I don't know. I was showering, and I had my eyes closed…because I was shampooing my hair." She said quickly. "And then suddenly, the water was ice cold! I jumped back, but the tub slopes up and the next thing I knew I was falling, and I grabbed the shower curtain to steady myself, but the thing gave way and…" She dropped her head. "I'm so embarrassed."

"I told you the shower was temperamental." Elliot said.

"Maybe you should have been a little more specific." Olivia snapped back.

"I guess so. I thought maybe you were being attacked or something for Christ sakes." Elliot leaned in and looked at her head. "I don't see any blood." He looked back and forth between her eyes. "Are you sure you're OK? You're not dizzy?"

"I'm fine."

"You still have shampoo in your hair."

"Yeah."

"Come on." Elliot wrapped his fingers around her upper arms and lifted her up off the floor. He held her there a second, looking at her eyes. "OK?"

Olivia nodded.

"OK." He pointed to the sink. "Lean over here, and I'll rinse out your hair."

Olivia narrowed her eyes. "What?"

"I've had three little girls. I know how to do this." He jerked his head towards the sink. "Lean over."

Olivia took a few steps towards the sink. She gave Elliot a strange look, but she acquiesced. She pulled the robe closed more tightly, and then she braced her arms along the sides of the sink. Elliot turned on the water, testing the temperature, before he motioned for her to lean further down.

Olivia felt the water splash slightly as Elliot wetted his hands. Then his fingers were on her scalp, and he was massaging her scalp, re-lathering the shampoo that was there. Her scalp tingled as he worked his way through her hair, and he seemed to know what he was doing. She bit back a moan at the sensation of his fingers as they massaged her head completely…and she felt the tingle through her own body. It was ridiculous to be enjoying it as much as she was, but for some reason, it seemed intimate to her.

In the shower, she had imagined what it would feel like to have Elliot's hands on her…but now…the only thing she could think about was laying naked on the bed…and Elliot's hands working their way down her body.

Moments later, he had stopped, and was rinsing the shampoo from her hair. She felt almost disappointed as he wrapped an extra towel around her, but she lifted her head and stood upright. When she looked at him, she gave him a smile. "Thank you."

Elliot grinned, and lifted his hands, wiggling his fingers. "I told you…I've got the magic touch." He said. "Any time you're in need of my services, I'm happy to help."

Olivia died a little, knowing he had no idea what was on her mind right now. "Thanks. I'll keep that in mind."

"If you're sure you're ok, then get dressed. I'm making breakfast." He pointed at the shower curtain and the water pooled on the floor. "I'll fix that later."

Olivia watched as Elliot left the room, closing the door behind him.

She had to get a grip. It was going to be a long day.


	10. Chapter 10

Olivia got dressed, trying not to think about how intimate it had felt when Elliot washed her hair. His gentleness had been a shock to her. Especially how he so carefully avoided the spot where she'd hit her head. Tenderness was never a word she associated with him. The Elliot she knew had always been big and brash…quick to action. He wore his passion and his anger like a badge. It wasn't that she didn't think him capable, or that she hadn't seen glimpses of this other side of him over the years, but it rarely came out. Much of the empathy and connection with victims had been left to her.

This new insight made her wonder. She had always assumed that if she and Elliot ever got to the point where they gave in to their desires, that Elliot would be bold in his actions…take what he wanted…stake his claim without question. But now she had a different view of him, and she knew now that his exploration of her would be slow…intentional.

She almost groaned out loud at the thought of it.

Olivia took in a deep breath and let it out slowly through pursed lips. Sex was definitely on the table now, but Elliot didn't seem to be in any hurry. Which also surprised the hell out of her. It was her opinion that the last eight plus years had been one slow, torturous wait…they didn't need to move slowly anymore.

She certainly wasn't going to be able to wait until they talked through every damn issue they had. She wouldn't survive it.

Olivia let out another slow breath and moved from the bedroom to the bathroom. She could hear Elliot banging around in the kitchen, and the smell of bacon wafted into the room. Her stomach grumbled, but she went about cleaning up the mess she'd made in the bathroom.

She was still a little embarrassed about what had happened. She hadn't even realized she had yelled out loud until Elliot came storming into the room. The icy cold water had just been so sudden…

She smiled to herself, wondering just how much of an eyeful Elliot had gotten as he'd come upon her laying on the floor. She couldn't imagine the shower curtain covered her very well. He had rushed to get her a robe and had worked pretty hard to keep his eyes trained on her face. Of course, in the face of what may have appeared to be a potential medical emergency, he probably wasn't looking at her like that.

Not that it mattered. She knew her body had changed over the years…but she was in good shape and felt sexier then ever. If she played her cards right…Elliot would have another chance to see her naked soon.

And she would get a chance to explore his. She clenched her thighs together just thinking about it. The man was in ridiculous physical condition…hard as a rock. She couldn't wait to run her hands and her tongue…

"Liv! Breakfast!" Elliot yelled from the kitchen, and Olivia sat down hard on the edge of the bathtub. She had to keep her mind focused or she was going to do or say something that would undoubtedly shock the hell out of him. He was used to his wife. His nice, Catholic wife. It made her wonder…because she was pretty convinced that Kathy wasn't the adventurous type in bed. She wondered what had yet to be unleashed inside Elliot, and she got a wicked smile on her face. That man…that body…that fire…that passion. He was meant for sex on tables and up against walls…he was meant for a woman that could give him pleasure in every imaginable way…for someone that begged him to go harder…faster…and that ride give him the ride of his life.

"Liv?"

Olivia looked up and saw Elliot standing in the doorway, a question on his face.

"What are you doing?"

Olivia looked down at the shower curtain balled up in her lap with her hands clenched tightly around it. She could feel a pink blush creeping low on her cheeks and she hoped he didn't notice. She hoped that at least this once, he couldn't read her every thought. "I'm just cleaning up." She stood up. "I think we may have to get a new curtain. This was is pretty trashed." She knew she was talking quickly, and she didn't know why, but it seemed to work.

Elliot took the curtain from her. "We can deal with this later." He jerked his head towards the kitchen. "Didn't you hear me calling you?"

"Yeah…" She motioned towards the tub. "I just wanted to mop up the water."

"The mess can wait. Breakfast is getting cold."

They had been sitting and eating for a few minutes before Elliot spoke. "So, I was thinking about what needed to get done today, and I really need to go to town. For one, I need to get a new shower curtain." He smirked at Olivia and she ducked her head in embarrassment. "And I need to get some more food. I was running low already, and now with the two of us…" He shrugged. "We should stock up a little."

He wondered if Olivia would back away…would tell him she didn't know how long she was going to be there…which is exactly what he expected her to do. When he just saw her nod, a sense of relief flooded his body.

She wasn't going to leave…she wasn't running away.

On the surface, he knew he probably didn't need to be nervous about that. She'd been the one that had been pushing a little harder than he was. If anything, he was the one holding them back.

"El…"

He felt her hand on his.

"I said I was going to stay for a few days, and I meant it. I came up here to resolve things, one way or the other." She smiled. "And so far, I'm pretty happy with the direction this is going." Her smile took a mischievous turn as she drew her hand back across his, lifting it slightly so that the tips of her fingers traced lightly against his skin. "Of course, if things change direction or you tick me off..." She laughed lightly as she took a sip of her orange juice.

Elliot raised an eyebrow, wondering about the meaning behind that comment. Elliot chased her hand with his, wrapping it around hers and pulling it back towards him. He held it in place, and he saw her look up at him. "I'm happy with the direction this is going too…" He paused for a second. "I know it might not seem like it, but I want the same things you do." He saw her raise an eyebrow with that comment, but she stayed silent. "It's just taking me a little bit longer because I want to make sure…" He closed his mouth and let out a breath through his nose. "I want to make sure that you're sure and that you're okay." He didn't know how else to explain how he was feeling.

"If I wasn't sure, I wouldn't be here." Olivia said softly.

Elliot nodded. "I get that. But I just want to make sure that you're ok…you know…emotionally before things go any farther."

"I'll be fine. We'll be fine. Just the fact that we're talking is a huge step in the right direction. I have faith that whatever issues you think we have, we'll have time to work them out."

"That's a big leap of faith."

"If I can't trust my partner…" Olivia said, trying to lighten the mood a bit.

Elliot released her hand and stood up suddenly. "But that's the point." He said vehemently. "You trusted me. Completely. And I betrayed that trust." He paced over and walked around the L-shaped counter, putting a literal and figurative barrier between them. "How do you know you can trust me now?"

Olivia leaned back in her chair, continuing to stare at him as she mulled over his question. "You made a mistake. And I'm not going to pretend it didn't hurt." She leaned forward again. "But don't forget. I left you too. Twice. We've both said and done things that have hurt each other. We've made a lot of decisions we wished we hadn't. But we also realize there were a lot of things we couldn't change. And even now…I don't know if we would if we could." She stood up and walked over to where he was standing. He turned as she rounded the corner, a wary look on his face as he faced her, crossing his arms. Olivia stopped when she was about a foot and a half away. "But we're here now. We've told each other how we feel." She reached her hands out towards him but kept herself from actually touching him. "What are we waiting for?"

Elliot realized she was right. There was nothing standing in their way any longer. No wife. No partnership.

"Elliot?"

He heard her say his name softly and realized he had dropped his eyes from hers. His eyes connected with hers at the moment she wrapped her hands around his folded arms. He watched as she moved a little closer to him.

"I'm not saying we have to dive headfirst into the deep end, but we don't have to be afraid either." She squeezed his arms. "We're finally in a place where we don't have to worry about anyone except ourselves. Let's get out of our own way."

Elliot was at a loss for words. The way she could read what was on his mind…in his heart…it never ceased to surprise and amaze him. He unfolded his arms, causing her arms to drop. He lifted his hands, framing her face, and he stared into her eyes for a moment before he spoke. "You're amazing." He looked back and forth between her eyes. "And beautiful." He used his left hand to brush her damp hair back from her face. "And so incredibly smart."

Olivia felt a flush creep into her cheeks again. It was unusual for her, and she realized how much more those words meant coming from Elliot than from anyone she'd heard them from before. She lifted her hand to cover his and leaned her head into it.

"So, we'll get out of our own way." Elliot said, putting his left hand on her waist and pulling her closer. "And we'll see where things take us."

Olivia lifted her head and Elliot dropped his hand. She nodded as her eyes dipped down to his lips and back up again. "Like town?" She teased.

"Just for that…I'm not going to kiss you." Elliot said. He ghosted his lips over hers and pulled back.

Olivia arched both eyebrows, calling his bluff. "Fine. See if I care." She pulled away from him and turned to walk away. She bit back a smile as he snagged her arm and spun her around, holding her in place with a hand on her hip.

"You're trouble." He said with a growl, moments before he crashed his mouth on hers. He grasped her bottom lip between his, as he fought against her playful resistance. He tilted his head and opened her mouth with his. He felt her submit then, and he slipped his tongue into her mouth, tangling it with hers. She slipped her hand behind his head and held him against her, and he dropped his other hand to her waist. He held her in place, careful not to smash their lower halves together, but he was very conscious of his hands.

 _You don't worry about where to put your hands._

He let them slide lower on her hips, his fingers grazing the curve of her ass. She hummed against his mouth as he squeezed lightly. He ran his thumbs up under the hem of her shirt, over the waistband of her jeans, until he hit her bare skin. He felt her jump slightly at the contact, and he massaged the skin there with light movements back and forth. He was completely attuned to her…learning her taste, how she kissed, the sounds she made. He wanted to commit every part of this to memory, and he pulled her slightly closer.

Olivia was acutely aware of where Elliot's hands were…the gentle squeeze at her hips…the whisper light touch at her waist. She yearned to arch her body into his, but she didn't want to move too fast. He was the one that had initiated this, and she was going to let him take the lead.

Elliot broke the kiss. He had heard every word she said, but he wasn't going to drag her off into the bedroom this very moment…no matter how much his body was screaming at him to do that very thing. He was going to take her words to heart, but there was still a balance to be struck. He brushed her hair back again and looked back down at her. "I love you."

Olivia smiled. She understood his need to take things at a certain pace, and she was happy with how far things had come this morning. They would go to town…take a walk…talk some more. With each passing moment, their relationship changed, and she felt a renewed sense of hope. "I love you too."


	11. Chapter 11

_AN: I want to say thank you to everyone that reads this and all my stories. I want to let you know that I love writing about Olivia and Elliot, and I love that you like to read these stories. As a writer, I put all my energy into the stories…hoping you can imagine it as I can see it, and that you feel the emotion that I do as I write it. I love hearing reviews, not to stoke up my ego, but to hear what you really think. What resonated with you. What you liked and didn't like. It helps me be a better writer, but even more importantly, it tells me that it's all worth it and tells me to keep going with more stories. So, I appreciate it when you say "great story" or "more please" but this time when you leave a review, think about adding to it a little. And if you don't normally leave a review, consider doing so. It would mean the world to me. And if you don't, that's fine too. I hope you enjoy this next chapter._

EOEOEOEO

Elliot had tugged Olivia into the small diner, and she felt as if she'd been thrown back in time. There were old booths lining plate glass windows, and several stools set up against a counter that ran parallel to the booths. She could see the kitchen through a pass-through behind the counter. It wasn't that different from some of the old spots in New York, but there was some undercurrent here that was different. Maybe it was the waitress chatting with the guy at the counter and the older man standing and talking to a booth of older women. It had a friendly vibe, as if everyone knew each other.

As if to illustrate that point, the waitress came up and addressed Elliot by name. Olivia didn't miss the slight raise of her eyebrow and the surreptitious look she gave her before she focused her attention on Elliot. She may have thought she was being subtle, but she was anything but.

"Haven't seen you around the past few days." She said.

Olivia used her distraction to assess the woman standing in front of them. She was younger than Olivia, probably by at least five years. She had shoulder length blonde hair. _Figures._ She was shorter than Olivia, but lean…lithe. If they were in the city, she would have tagged her as a runner…one of those Lycra-clad, pony-tailed women that dotted the landscape of the city.

"Yeah, I've been busy." Elliot said. He glanced over at Olivia and could see her subtle evaluation of the waitress. He wondered if it was automatic…a habit from the job…or intentional.

"I see you brought a friend."

Elliot saw her turn her attention towards Olivia, and her own assessment began. He wondered what other women saw when they looked at Olivia. It was his experience that women could be brutal in their judgment of other women, but no one could argue she was beautiful.

"This is Olivia." He said. "Olivia, this is Ellen."

Olivia smiled at Ellen, and Ellen gave her a strained smile back.

"Welcome to Jake's." She said.

Olivia noticed she glanced back at Elliot before turning her attention back to Olivia. "You in town for a while?"

"I'm not sure." Olivia said, watching as Elliot gauged Ellen's reaction. "A few days at least." She watched Elliot watching Ellen and she narrowed her eyes slightly. She sensed some unspoken conversation was happening, and yet, Elliot had shifted his focus back to her before Olivia could really be sure she'd seen anything at all.

But Olivia knew to trust her intuition. She focused on the menu in front of her as Ellen asked Elliot about the cabin and some people she'd never heard of. Ellen obviously wanted to make it known that she…Olivia…was the outsider here. Elliot told her to bring two coffees and one of their signature cinnamon rolls, glancing over at Olivia as if to ask if she wanted anything else. Olivia didn't say anything, and it didn't really matter because Ellen had already turned and started walking back towards the counter.

She wrapped her hands around the glass of water in front of her and flicked her eyes up to Elliot's as she spoke. "She seems nice." Olivia said, and even she could hear the sarcasm in her voice.

Elliot was watching Olivia intently, and he caught the sarcasm, but there was something else there. _Jealousy?_ He glanced over at Ellen, who was standing behind the counter, and then back at Olivia. Ellen was friendly with him…she was fun to flirt with…but he'd never taken her up on her requests to meet for coffee or dinner.

Ellen came back with their two coffees, and it didn't escape Olivia's attention that the coffee in her mug sloshed over the edge slightly as Ellen set it clumsily in front of her. She waited for Elliot to say something, but he just wore a somewhat amused expression on his face. Ellen was back a minute later with the cinnamon roll, and as she set it down in front of Elliot, she gave him a quick smile.

"Let me know if you need anything else." She said pointedly as she kept her attention on Elliot, and then she left them to greet some other people that had walked into the restaurant.

"This is the best cinnamon roll I've ever had." Elliot said, digging in enthusiastically with his fork.

Olivia looked at the oversized roll that filled the plate. Frosting was covering the roll and dripping over the sides on to the plate, and Olivia looked away. "I don't know how you can eat. We just had breakfast." She took a sip of her coffee and watched as he stabbed his fork into the roll.

Elliot shrugged. "I can't help it. I eat one every time I come in here."

"Seems like maybe you come in here a lot."

"Every time I come into town. I hate cooking for one, so it's nice to let someone else cook when I get the chance."

Olivia pressed her lips together, wanting to ask about Ellen, but refusing. She sipped her coffee and continued to watch as Elliot devoured the roll bit by bit until she couldn't hold it in. But she opted for something subtler. Her eyes flicked over to Ellen, and then back at Elliot. "I can see why you like the place."

Elliot smother a smile. She _was_ jealous. The thought of it sent a rush of heat through his body. He'd felt his share of possessiveness of her over the years, but the thought that she would feel the same way about him was sexy as hell. "Yes, the food is great, and the staff is top-notch." He said, adopting an innocent air.

Her jealousy shocked her because it had come out of nowhere. She wasn't prepared for its vehemence. In all the years she'd known him, she had wished for things to be different, but outright jealousy hadn't been an issue.

She worked hard to keep her poker face intact, and she didn't miss a beat, responding to his comment quickly. "Seems like maybe the _staff_ doesn't like the fact that I showed up with you today. Maybe the _staff_ is worried that you're not going to be sleeping with them anymore." She made air quotes as she said the word _staff_ , and she kept her eyes locked on his, gauging his reaction.

Elliot laughed out loud…a great big laugh that carried through the entire restaurant. She never ceased to surprise him. He saw Olivia's eyes widen, and he leaned in as his laughter died down. "Oh Liv…I'm not sleeping with Ellen." He said quietly.

The sincerity in his tone made her jealousy dissipate, and she was surprised at how quickly her emotions were shifting.

Elliot continued. "She likes to flirt and maybe I've flirted back with her, but I want to be perfectly clear, there's only one woman that I'm interested in sleeping with."

His whispered words, and the intense way he was looking at her, sent a rush through her. They never spoke this boldly…this directly…to each other. She hadn't even been here 24 hours, and the truths that had been spoken were beyond anything she could have imagined when she got in the car and head up here.

But she knew it was what needed to happen. In the past day, they had broken down so many barriers, and it wasn't really surprising that she couldn't seem to get a handle on all of her thoughts and emotions. She was sure it was the same for Elliot.

The only thing she knew for sure right now, was that they needed to keep moving forward. Any hesitation…any fear on their part would send them backwards…back to the safe place where they kept a part of themselves hidden for a decade.

It would break them for good.

She reached across the table and tangled her fingers between his. "Let's go back to the cabin." She said softly.

Elliot squeezed her hand, feeling a mixture of nerves and excitement. Even though there was no innuendo…nothing implied in her statement… he felt another shift in their relationship. It was crazy to him that it was here…now. But he wasn't going to question it.

EOEOEOEO

Elliot followed Olivia into the cabin. When he closed the door behind him, he put his hands behind him and leaned back against it. He wondered what was on her mind right now, as she'd been really quiet in the truck on the way back from town. Maybe she regretted suggesting they come back here, and all that it implied. He hoped she knew that the ball was firmly in her court.

He saw her clutch the back of the couch and stay there for a moment, looking at the smoldering ashes in the fireplace, before she turned to face him. He saw a momentary flash of surprise cross her face, probably due to the fact that he was giving her some space, but it was gone in a second. He knew he should move. He should say something, but he was frozen in place. It was completely uncharacteristic of him. When it came to his sex life with Kathy, he'd been the instigator more often than not. But here…now…this was uncharted territory.

Olivia watched Elliot has he stood against the door. She hadn't really had a game plan when she suggested they come back here, but she had kind of hoped he would take charge. He'd always had that role in their partnership. Taken it.

She supposed he didn't want to push her into something that made her uncomfortable, but honestly, after so long, there was no easy way to take this giant leap. It wasn't due to lack of desire or chemistry, but they had walked this tightrope for so long…the forced platonic nature of their relationship like a safety net. Now…that was stripped away, and it was somewhat terrifying.

 _I don't know how to do this with you._

Elliot's words ran through her mind.

There wasn't any emotionally fueled case that threatened to push them to throw caution to the wind. No alcohol induced haze that lowered inhibitions and made that initial step easier.

She realized how true his words were.

Olivia parted her lips, trying to say something that would break the awkward silence and let him know that she didn't have any expectations, but her mind was blank. She dropped her eyes from his and glanced back at the fireplace. "It's cold in here."

Elliot appreciated the comment, knowing she had given them a slight reprieve. It was a task he could focus on, and he moved towards the fireplace. "I'll get the furnace going too. Then you won't have to freeze your ass off tonight." He grinned at her as he moved over to the stack of wood, and he leaned over to place them in the grate.

Olivia watched as he worked and moments later, saw flames flare up. She rubbed her hands together as a chill ran through her body, and she moved around the couch and towards the fire.

"That feels good." She said as she bumped Elliot's hip with her own. They stood like that for a few moments, letting the warmth wash over them as the flames danced. It was mesmerizing, as fires always are, and Olivia closed her eyes and breathed in deeply. Olivia's eyes opened when she felt Elliot's hand on the small of her back. She stood still…her breath trapped in her lungs…as he moved his hand in a slow, hypnotic rhythm. It was the lightest of touches but was laden with promises of more.

"Liv."

Elliot's voice was a deep rasp and the sound of it caused a fluttering low in her belly.

Elliot slid his hand down slightly and slipped his hand beneath the hem of her sweater, seeking her warmth. He ghosted his fingers over skin, and he felt her jump slightly at his touch. "Sorry." He said, forgetting how cold his hands were.

Olivia let out a measured breath. "It's okay."

Elliot took that as permission and he let his hand slide slightly higher on her back, feeling the smoothness of her skin beneath his rough fingers. His mind began to wander, his fingers itching to continue their exploration.

Olivia silently urged him on, thankful that he had made the first move. She felt Elliot's fingers dig lightly into her side, and she turned to face him. She placed the palms of her hands at his waist, and let them slide up his torso, landing on his chest. She let her eyes follow the path of her hands, and then she moved them slowly up to his eyes. She was acutely aware of his hands. His right hand was still exploring the bare skin of her back while the other was tracing the line of her collarbone.

Elliot slid his hand up to her jaw, and leaned in, capturing her lips with his. He wasted no time deepening the kiss and she emitted a sound from the back of his throat as she slid her tongue into his mind. It hit him squarely in his groin, and he kissed her with a ferociousness that surprised even him. He slid his fingertips into the waistband of her jeans, grabbing hold and pulling her body flush against his. She had no choice but to drop her hands to his hips, and he felt her fingers clutch at him as she arched her body into his. He growled her name into her mouth as he kissed her, and he wondered how he ever thought they could take this slowly.

Olivia slid her hands up his back, holding him in place as he ravaged her mouth. She wanted this to slow down…and she didn't. Her body was on fire, fully awake for the first time in as long as she could remember.

She heard a sound in the background. Someone was honking a horn, and it distracted her. She heard it again and loosened her grip on him as she pulled away slightly. Her breathing was ragged. "What's that?"

"Ignore it." Elliot said distractedly as he went for her mouth again. He pulled her bottom lip between his, and then he heard the horn again. He released her mouth. "Fuck!" He said, as a reminder slammed back into him.

"What is it?" Olivia asked.

Elliot grabbed her hand, forcing her to follow behind him as he went for the back door. He whipped it open, and Olivia looked around him. She saw an older man standing on the dock, a boat tied up but idling next to him. He waved when he saw Elliot at the door. Elliot turned to her, a panicked expression on his face.

"Who is that?" Olivia asked.

"It's Walt…from across the lake." Elliot said, a note of desperation in his voice. "I told him that I would go fishing with him this afternoon. I completely forgot. That was before you showed up here…" He looked back at Walt, and then turned back to her. "I'll get rid of him…" He said, knowing how upset the old man would be, but there was no way he was going to leave right now. He started out the door, but Olivia snagged his arm.

"Wait." She said. "You should go."

Elliot stopped, confused. He furrowed his brow. "What?"

Olivia nodded slightly. "You should go. I'm sure he's been looking forward to it."

"But…"

"It's OK." Things had been moving so quickly…maybe it was ok. She needed to take a breath.

Elliot turned back towards her, letting the door close behind him. "Liv." He said, grasping both of her upper arms. He worried he had taken things too far. He looked back and forth between her eyes, with a tightness in his chest. But she broke into a smile then…a genuine smile that reached her eyes.

Olivia lifted her hand and placed it on his chest. "I'm not going anywhere." She said lightly. "I'll be here when you get back. I'll make dinner and then…we can pick up where we left off." She leaned in then and captured his lips with hers. When she released his, she pushed him backwards. "Go."

Elliot nodded. "I love you." He leaned in and kissed her again and then he turned and pushed out the door. Olivia followed him out but stayed on the porch as Elliot jogged down the steps.

"Hey Walt." Elliot yelled.

Olivia watched as they spoke for a few minutes. Elliot gestured in her direction and Walt waved at her. She wrapped her arms around herself in the cold chill and watched as they talked for another minute or so. Then Elliot was heading back towards her, and she wondered if he had waved off Walt. But Elliot came back up the stairs and through the door into the house.

Olivia watched him, and then turned back towards the lake, brushing her hair out of her face. Elliot came through the door, and she saw that he had added a few layers to her clothing and was carrying a warm coat. He stopped next to her and shrugged the jacket on.

"Come on. Walt wants to meet you." Elliot said with a grin. He took her hand in his as he moved down the stairs, and Olivia had no choice but to follow him once again. As they neared the dock, she could see Walt more clearly. He was a little older than she had thought, but he had a full head of white hair and a twinkle in his blue eyes. He smiled broadly as they got closer, and she could see he was doing his own assessment.

"Walt…this is Olivia." Elliot said as they stopped in front of him. "Olivia…my neighbor Walt."

"Well, aren't you a beauty." Walt said with a grin. He hit Elliot's elbow with his own. "Surprised to see you hanging around with this one." He leaned over slightly, speaking in somewhat of a conspiratorial tone. "You know, if you ever get sick of this guy…I know how to treat a lady."

He chuckled and winked, and it made Olivia laugh. She could see that he was indeed charming, and she could imagine him as a young man.

"This one…" He jerked his head at Elliot. "He can't even catch a decent sized fish. I'm trying to teach him, but he's not a quick study." Walt continued his jabs, but Elliot just laughed good-naturedly. He rolled his eyes, and Olivia could tell that there was an affectionate relationship between the two. Maybe Walt was filling the void, since Elliot never had a great relationship with his own dad.

"Quit making me look bad." Elliot shot back.

"Scared of the competition?" Walt quipped back as he winked at Olivia again.

"A little." Elliot chuckled as he looked back at Olivia. The cool air had colored her cheeks, and her smile lit her entire face. He was crazy for leaving her, but she seemed to want a little space, so he was going to go and trust that she was okay.

Elliot looked back at Walt. "Let's get going."

Walt nodded and started towards the boat.

Elliot stepped closer to Olivia and looked into her eyes. "I'll be back in a couple of hours." He said, lacing his fingers between hers before kissing her gently.

"I'll be here."

She watched as Elliot climbed into the boat, and then they were off. Olivia took a deep breath and stood on the dock as they disappeared down the lake, until she couldn't see them anymore.

 _AN #2: I know. I know. But it's coming…._


	12. Chapter 12

AN: Thank you for all the great reviews. I appreciate everyone giving me their feedback. It's good to hear what you're enjoying about the story. Here we go…

EOEOEOEOEO

Elliot and Walt had been fishing and passing the time, talking about bait and the weather and his grandkids and just about everything else they normally talked about, and Elliot tried to keep his mind off Olivia. He and Walt had become unlikely friends after Walt had dropped in on him persistently those first few days. Elliot had tried to brush him off, writing him off as well-meaning old curmudgeon, but he soon found out that Walt was an ex-cop like himself, and quite a good listener.

Elliot had found himself telling Walt about everything. Kathy. The kids. The job. The shooting.

Everything except Olivia.

He hadn't been able to talk about Olivia.

But now Walt had met her, and he shouldn't have been surprised when Walt brought her up. Walt had his back to him…his line in the water…when the first comment came.

"Olivia." He said her name quietly, and Elliot almost didn't hear him. Walt waited a moment, as if to make sure he had Elliot's attention. "That one…she's in your blood." It was a simple statement, and he didn't turn around to even gauge Elliot's reaction.

Elliot nodded to himself. Walt always called things as he saw them. And that was a pretty damn accurate statement. "I love her." He said, as much to himself as to Walt.

"Interesting that you never mentioned her before." There wasn't any judgement in his tone, or even a question mark at the end that indicated he expected an answer from Elliot.

"Olivia is…was…" _Off-limits. Forbidden_. He didn't know how he could explain it to Walt. How he had worked so hard to erase her from the narrative of his life once he left NYC. How, even when she had been by his side every day, the subject of them was something they never talked about, no matter what they may have been feeling. He hadn't known how to talk to Walt about that then. And he didn't know how to explain it to him now.

"Yeah." Walt said with a sigh and Elliot knew he didn't have to explain himself. Walt cast his line into the water again. "A lot of pieces just fell into place."

Elliot felt almost guilty for not having mentioned her. Of all people, he thought Walt would have understood. "It's complicated."

Walt swiveled around in his seat and looked at Elliot. "Doesn't seem that complicated to me." He reeled in his line and cast it again.

Elliot nodded. Walt always had a way of getting to the heart of things by saying very few words.

A few minutes had passed in silence, and then Walt spoke again. "She's a beautiful woman."

"She is." Elliot agreed.

"And smart."

"Yeah."

"She came up after your dumb ass."

His last comment made Elliot laugh. "Yeah."

"Then what in the hell are you doing out on a boat with me?"

Elliot laughed again as he reeled in his line. "That's a good question." He wasn't about to get into everything that had happened since Olivia had shown up on his doorstep.

"That's why I asked it." Walt shot back, laughing at his own comment.

"She encouraged me to go." Elliot said. "I think she just needed a little time…or space."

"You don't sound so sure." Walt said.

Elliot wasn't quite sure, and now he was wondering about the wisdom of leaving her behind. "I'm sure." He didn't want to put a voice to his uncertainty. She said she'd be there, and he had to trust her.

Walt laughed. "OK, if you say so."

EOEOEOEO

The boat neared the cabin, and Elliot kept his eyes trained on the shoreline. As it pulled up to the dock, he narrowed his eyes in confusion. The cabin was dark. He thanked Walt absentmindedly as he climbed out of the boat, but his heart was in his throat as crossed the yard to the porch. He tried to make sense of it. Olivia would have turned on the lights as the late afternoon sun dropped in the sky. It was still light enough outside, but the shadows inside the cabin would make it impossible to cook…if she was going to do as she had promised.

He opened the door and stopped just inside the door. He hadn't realized how cold it was until the heat from inside the cabin hit his chilled skin. He closed the door quietly behind him, listening for any sounds. Elliot heard nothing but silence, and he cursed himself for leaving her behind.

He shrugged off his coat, and let it fall on the floor as he called out her name in anguish. "Liv!" His voice bounced off the walls, and he took a few steps inside before he heard Olivia call out his name.

"El."

The sound was muted…soft.

And it was coming from his bedroom.

He stood rooted in place, surprised to find she was still there, when he had convinced himself that she had gone, and that she was in his bedroom.

"El?"

There was a question in the way she said his name, and it forced him into motion. The door to his bedroom was slightly ajar, and he pushed it all the way open. "I thought you were going to make…" His words left him as he made his way into the room. Olivia was on his bed, and as he entered, she slid her legs from beneath the blankets and sat on the edge of the mattress.

Elliot was frozen in place as he openly stared at her. The fact the she was in his bed was startling enough, but his mind couldn't comprehend what he was seeing with his own eyes. She had obviously been sleeping as her hair was tousled. She had changed out of her clothes and was wearing one of his t-shirts. The white material was pooled at the top of her thighs, and he couldn't take his eyes off her long, dark legs. As his eyes trailed up and down her body, he still found himself speechless. He wondered if he was going to wake up and find this was a dream.

He wondered if she was naked beneath that t-shirt.

He couldn't form a thought…all the blood in his body was moving south…and he felt an almost feral rush of lust course through him.

Olivia could see the deepening color in his eyes and the possessive way they roamed her body. She felt her own body's reaction, and she was glad she hadn't talked herself out of this seduction. She moved off the bed and started slowly towards him. "You look cold." She said softly. She raised an eyebrow as she drew closer…sensing an almost nervous energy emanating from him.

Elliot found his voice. "It was cold out there."

"I bet I can warm you up." She said seductively, looking up at him through her lashes. She wrapped her hands around his, surprised at how cold they really were. Elliot was just staring at her, watching her movements with rapt attention. She gave him another smile and set his hands on the outside of her upper thighs, sliding them up beneath the t-shirt until his palms hit the bare skin of her waist. She hissed slightly as his cold skin connected with hers, and felt goosebumps break out across her skin.

Elliot couldn't seem to move of his own accord, and when she moved her hands onto her thighs, his breath froze in his lungs. He felt her warm skin, but when she ran his hands over the rough lace of her panties, he stifled a groan, feeling himself harden as she settled his hands at her waist.

When she let out a hiss, he saw the goosebumps on her skin and the hard pebbles of her breasts through the t-shirt material and God in Heaven help him because she clearly wasn't wearing a bra.

The realization that she was completely naked except for some small lace panties made his body throb.

"I hope you don't mind…" She said as she slipped her hands beneath his t-shirt. She slid the palms of her hands over his abdomen and over his chest, tracing the hard lines of his muscled torso with her long fingers. "that I borrowed a shirt…and made myself comfortable in your bed." Olivia lifted his shirt upwards, forcing him to remove his hands so she could slip it over his head. She peppered his chest with small, light kisses as she teased the skin at his waist with her fingers, dipping them beneath the waistband of his jeans as she continued to make her way down his torso with her lips and her tongue.

Elliot's body tensed with anticipation as she moved down his body. He couldn't quite comprehend that this was _Olivia_ …but while his mind was still grappling with the idea of it, his body was all in. He was rock hard already…wanting…needing…release.

He tangled his fingers in her hair…the silky strands wrapping around his fingers…trying to focus on the feel of her soft mouth against his skin. He was wondering just how far she was going to take this. But when her felt her fingers on the button of his jeans and she started to drop to her knees, he slid his hand over hers. He looked down at her and saw her staring up at him…a seductive look on her face that was like nothing he had seen before.

It was enough to make him come right then and there. He clenched his teeth, and grasped her upper arms, pulling her up his body. He could feel her breasts against his chest, soft and firm, and he slipped one hand behind her head to draw her mouth against his. He wasn't gentle as he kissed her…devouring her mouth with his…kissing her hungrily.

He felt Olivia's hands slide up and over his shoulders, anchoring herself to him, and that gave his hands the freedom to roam. He slid them both down her back slowly, realizing that in their current position, the t-shirt had ridden up. He hit lace, and he ran his hands over the rough material, squeezing her ass gently…pulling her body against the hard length of him. He heard a sound…a low moan…and realized it was his at the realization that the lace barely covered her ass.

He had stared at this woman across the desk from him for more than 12 years…wondering…wanting. It wasn't enough to touch her. He wanted to see her…taste her.

Elliot started walking her backwards, and he broke the kiss as her legs hit the back of the bed. He looked down at her and saw the flush of her cheeks and her reddened lips. "I want to see you." He whispered, trailing a hand over her breast. He held the weight of it in his hand, squeezing gently. Olivia arched her back slightly, pushing her breast into his hand, and he ran his thumb over her hard nipple. She let out a low groan and Elliot felt another rush of heat through his body.

Olivia opened her eyes and looked up at him. She slipped her hands on his waist, and turned their bodies, pushing him down until he was sitting on the edge of the bed. She could see the confusion on Elliot's face, but that confusion turned to something else as she reached for the hem of his t-shirt and he understood his intention.

He muttered a string of curse words under his breath because this had to be a fucking dream. But then she lifted the shirt over her head…and she stole his breath away. Her breasts were full and firm, her nipples dark and peaked…and the bare expanse of skin beneath was smooth and dark. His eyes trailed down to the black lace panties…his entire body shaking as he looked at the black material at the apex of her thighs. And those long, fucking legs…he wanted them wrapped around him.

Elliot lifted his eyes to hers, and he saw she wasn't self-conscious of his appraisal of her. "Christ Liv…" he rasped out. The word beautiful didn't seem adequate.

Olivia smiled and laughed lightly, feeling a renewed confidence in the decision she'd made to make this happen tonight. Elliot's reaction made her feel sexy…desirable. She didn't need to hear the words. She moved closer to him, knocking his legs apart so she could slip between them. "Touch me." She said in a whisper, wanting to feel his rough hands on her.

Elliot didn't have to be told twice. He ran his hands up the outside of her thighs, her hips and then up her torso. His hands brushed the sides of her breasts, and then he was taking them both in his hands. She was pushing them into his hands, moaning as she let her head fall back.

Olivia loved the way Elliot was kneading her breasts. Just the perfect amount of pressure, and his calloused thumbs against her nipples were driving her insane. She could feel the intense ache between her legs, and she wondered if it would be horrible if she came from this alone. She moaned his name as he took her in his mouth…and the intensity of it was almost enough to send her over the edge.

"Christ." Elliot mumbled against her skin. He released her then, pushing her back slightly. He could tell Olivia was disoriented by the change in course, but when he turned them around again and started lowered her down on the bed, he saw another mischievous smile on her face. He stood between her legs and stared down at her, letting his eyes rove her body once again. He tried to memorize every detail, still seemingly unable to comprehend that this was happening.

He couldn't imagine this could be his life now.

She was somewhat surprised at the way Elliot was standing and looking at her. It was as if he was staring deep into her soul…and it was a little disconcerting. Olivia lifted her leg and ran her foot over the bulge in his jeans. "Don't keep me waiting." She teased. "Take them off." She lifted herself up on her elbows, loving the surprise on his face at her direct command. To his credit, he broke into a grin, and he made a game of it as he went for the button of his jeans. He unzipped them slowly…pushed them down over his hips slowly…but Olivia was focused on the prominent length of him trapped inside his black underwear. She moved her foot again, but he grabbed it, waving a finger at her in admonishment.

"Be patient." He commanded, and Olivia raised an eyebrow. "Once I take these off…it's game over." He wiggled his eyebrows at her. "And I've got some more exploring to do."

The rough rumble of his voice and his words made her entire body throb, and she saw Elliot knew the affect his words were having on her. Elliot let out a loud growl as he climbed on the bed, and Olivia laughed lightly as he attacked her mouth with his. He kissed her hard but moved quickly to her jaw…her neck…and down her body. He slid his hands down and his mouth followed, until he hit the lace of her panties. He spread her legs, settling his body between her thighs, and he looked up at her.

The sight was beyond exotic…her breasts peaked…her skin flushed…her head thrown back and her eyes closed.

Olivia's thighs clenched together when she felt him grasp the delicate material between his teeth. She opened her eyes and looked down at him…her mind reeling when she saw him positioned so intimately between her thighs. She had a sudden wave of self-consciousness…almost embarrassment… at how wet she was. But the thought of his mouth and his tongue on her was making her head spin. Elliot was looking up at her, and she knew he was asking permission. The only thing she could do is rasp out his name before she let her head drop back and she closed her eyes. The next thing she knew, his hands were on the material at her hips and he used his mouth and hands to drag the material down her thighs.

Elliot dropped her panties on the floor, taking a moment to look at the woman spread out on the bed in front of him. His desire took over, and he slid his hands up her inner thighs before he placed a few small kisses on her abdomen. Her muscles contracted beneath his mouth, but he heard a loud moan escape from her as he ghosted his fingers over her wetness.

Olivia lifted her hips off the bed, wanting more contact, and she hissed as he trailed his fingers more purposefully through her slick folds. It was all a blur as used his fingers and his tongue and his teeth to tease her…taste her…and before she knew it, she was coming against his mouth.

Elliot was relentless against her, giving her no reprieve as he slid a finger inside of her. Her walls were clenching against him as he slid another finger inside…stretching her. His thumb was on her clit, and she was clutching at the sheets and she gasped out his name. He finally pulled his hands off her…giving her a chance to catch her breath.

Olivia felt cold at the loss of his touch, and she opened her eyes. He was standing up and slipping off his underwear, and she clenched her thighs at the sight of him. _God._ She wanted him inside of her right now. She held out her hand, and he climbed on the bed, spreading her legs with his knees. He pressed his erection against her entrance and she arched her back, feeling him penetrate her slightly.

Olivia had enough of his teasing. She used her thighs to push against his and knock him sideways. She saw a surprised expression on his face, but he didn't have time to argue before she straddled his thighs. She reached down, sliding her hands down the length of him.

Elliot groaned at her touch. He wanted her hands on him, but he didn't know if he could take it. "Liv." He groaned. She seemed to understand as she moved up his body, and he groaned again as she slid her wetness along the length of him.

Olivia placed one hand on either side of his head, and stared down at him, her hair brushing his face. She ghosted her lips over his. "You want me?" She asked, sliding her hips backwards until his erection was poised at her entrance.

Elliot lifted his hips, seeking contact, but she pulled up again. "You being a tease?" He asked, narrowing his eyes.

"Just want to make sure you want this." She slid backwards again, making sure he slid between her slick folds. Olivia gave him another seductive look as he tried to bite back a groan, but he was unsuccessful. She could barely hold back a moan of her own…but she was having fun. She wondered how far she could push him.

"Olivia." He said through gritted teeth.

"Tell me yes." Olivia said in a low, sultry tone. "Tell me you want me."

Elliot reached up and laced his fingers through her hair, pulling her mouth against his. He kissed her deeply, slipping his tongue between her lips. He could feel her body trembling, and he took advantage of her distraction to push her back on the bed, breaking the kiss.

He pushed her legs apart and pinned her arms next to her head. He stared into her eyes. "I want you." He said, his tone matching her own. "More than you could ever know." He grasped her lips with his, kissing her gently. When he pulled back, he stared down at her again. "You? You want this?"

Olivia nodded and smiled. "I love you."

Elliot released her wrists, bracing his body above hers as he pushed slowly inside her. He paused…letting her body adjust as he heard a sharp intake of breath from Olivia. He felt Olivia's hands on his waist, digging in and silently urging him on. When he pushed inside again, he buried himself deep inside of her, and his forehead dropped against her chest as they both let out a long, slow moan. It was only moments before Elliot was moving against her, and the only sound in the room was the soft sounds of their moans…the whispers of each other's names…and their bodies connecting. It was slow and languid as they learned the feel of each other's bodies, until the pleasure mounted to an almost unbearable level. Then their lovemaking became more frantic…their hands clutching at each other and their moans intensifying until Olivia felt the hot rush of her orgasm tear through her body.

Elliot could feel her walls clutching around him…she was so tight around him…and it triggered his own climax. He released himself inside of her…letting out a string of swear words at the sheer intensity of it all. He fell heavily against her, breathing hard as she gasped for breath beneath him. He lifted himself up slightly, trying to lessen his weight, and he peppered her face with kisses. "I love you. God…I love you."


	13. Chapter 13

_AN: Thanks for the wonderful reviews. And people seem to love or hate Walt. It's very funny. He may show up again!_

EOEOEOEO

Olivia lay curled up in the crook of Elliot's arm, with her head resting on his left shoulder and her right leg thrown over his. Elliot was tracing a pattern on her lower back, and she rested her hand on his chest. Their breathing had slowed, and the sweat on their bodies was drying, but they lay in silence. Olivia assumed Elliot's mind was racing, just as hers was.

They had done what had been forbidden. They had crossed that imaginary line…that fucking line that had moved all over the damned place for so long. They had finally consummated the relationship that had existed for so long in each of their minds. The fantasy had become real, and to say that it was overwhelming would be a disservice. It was absolutely mind-blowing.

And the sex hadn't been bad either.

The flippant remark flew into her head. After such serious ones, it seemed funny, and Olivia let a small laugh escape. Elliot's fingers stilled on her back.

"Something funny?" He asked, looking down at her.

"No." Olivia looked up at him. "I was just thinking…" She let the sentence trail off.

"Be careful or you're going to hurt my fragile ego." Elliot said jokingly. He was glad that she had broken the silence between them. He'd been trying to think of exactly the right thing to say and had discarded about a dozen things.

"I think your ego is going to be just fine."

Elliot chuckled. "You never know." His fingers resumed their random pattern against her lower back. "Isn't this where you're supposed to tell me this was the best sex you've ever had?"

Olivia didn't miss a beat. She raised an eyebrow and adopted an innocent air. "Who said it was the best sex I've ever had?"

Elliot felt a momentary stab of self-doubt, until Olivia raised herself up on her elbow and gave him a mischievous smile. She slid her leg further across his body until she was straddling him. She had one arm braced on either side of head and she dropped her head. Her hair fell forward, and she looked up at him through her lashes. "But I'm more than happy to give you another chance…"

EOEOEOEO

Olivia sat down at the table, and watched as Elliot moved around the kitchen, making dinner for them. She knew she had promised to cook for him, but he had snuck in the kitchen while she'd been taking a shower. When she had walked into the kitchen, he had handed he a glass of wine and gestured for her to sit down, and she hadn't argued.

Olivia watched him move around the kitchen, and although she wasn't quite sure what he was making, it smelled wonderful. She shifted slightly in her chair, relishing in the soreness between her legs. She toyed with the stem on the glass of wine in front of her, replaying the last several hours in her mind.

"What's the smile for?" Elliot asked, noticing the look on her face as she stared at the wine in her glass. He hoped he had something to do with it.

"I was just thinking…"

"No more critiques about my manhood. Remember my ego…" He joked, holding his hand to his heart.

Olivia laughed lightly. "I think you redeemed yourself. Your ego is well-earned." She said with another sly smile. She took a sip of wine as Elliot went back to cutting up tomatoes. She wondered if he'd be pleased with himself to know just how sore she was.

She was pretty sure he would.

"What I was going to say…" She leaned over slightly, resting her elbows on the table. "Is that its funny how quickly things change." She saw Elliot stop again, resting his hand with the knife on the counter as he looked over at her. "I know I already told you this, but when I came up here, I honestly didn't know what to expect. I thought that worse case, I'd be staying overnight at the hotel here in town and licking my wounds." She sat back, taking her wine glass with her. "Best case…" She smiled. "Well…I didn't expect…" Olivia knew she didn't need to finish that sentence when she saw the grin on Elliot's face.

"I didn't either." Elliot said. He shook his head. "I have to say, I was surprised to see you in my bed when I got back from my fishing trip with Walt. Especially since you had seemed kind of unsure…you know…right before."

"It was all so…" Olivia searched for the right word. She gave up. "It was just a lot to process in a short time." She took a sip of wine before she set the glass down on the table. "After you left with Walt, I started to think about what you said. About how you didn't know how to do this with me, and I realized it _was_ going to be hard. One of us would have to take charge…"

"And you didn't think I would?" Elliot said, raising an eyebrow.

"I think you were following my lead. You wouldn't have pressured me El." She cocked her head to the right, raising an eyebrow at him. Olivia knew she was right, but he confirmed it with a subtle half-nod of his head.

"Can I make a confession?" Elliot asked.

Olivia narrowed her brows, wondering what, on Earth, he could have to confess. She nodded slowly. "Of course." They had said they'd be honest with each other. Good or bad.

"There was a moment…a few minutes…when we pulled up to the dock and when I walked in that door…" He pointed towards the back door. "I thought…" He let out a big sigh. "I thought…" He hung his head slightly.

Realization dawned on Olivia. "You thought I had gone." She said breathlessly, imagining how that moment had been for him.

"I'm sorry." Elliot said. He came around the counter and sat down across from Olivia. "I'm sorry I doubted you."

Olivia slid her hands across the table and covered his. "Don't apologize."

"You said you weren't going anywhere, and I should have believed you." Elliot pulled his hands back. "Especially since you were the one that had the balls to come up here after I left you." He shook his head. "I'm such an asshole."

Olivia pulled his hands back towards her. "Please don't beat yourself up." She said. "We've both done our share of things over the years." If Elliot was counting, she'd left him twice. He'd only left her once. "The important thing is that I _didn't_ leave." She gave him a slow, lazy, lascivious smile. "And that the fish weren't biting."

Elliot couldn't help but smile at her, and he felt a weight loosen. "It was more Walt urging me to get my head out of my ass and get back to you then the fish…" He wiggled his eyebrows.

"Walt seems like a smart man."

EOEOEOEO

The next two days were a blur. In some ways, it seemed to Elliot that he was getting to know Olivia for the first time. And he found himself telling her things he had never told her before. Some things he barely wanted to admit to himself.

The days and nights blended together…sipping coffee on the porch on crisp autumn mornings…curled up on the couch talking as the fire snapped and danced…making love whenever the mood struck them…and napping with their bodies intertwined.

Right now, was one of those moments.

It was late afternoon, and Elliot had his body curled around Olivia's as their breathing slowed. He held her tightly against him, his face buried in her hair as he felt the beating of her heart beneath the palm of his hand. She let out a small sigh and he knew it was one of contentment and satisfaction. He had always had an innate ability to read her moods and her thoughts, but now, their level of connection bordered on insane.

The afternoon sun was slanting low in the sky, bathing the room in a golden light, and Elliot couldn't remember a more perfect day in a long time. The clarity of the thought made him worry that it would all disappear. Life had taught him that happiness could be fleeting…and he had waited too long to get to this place. He moved his head closer to her ear and grasped her more tightly against him. "I don't ever want to leave this place."

Olivia's eyes popped open when she heard the desperation in his voice. She was happier than she had been in a long time, but she had known, in the back of her mind, that there time here was limited. She had a job to go back to…a life…and while they hadn't talked about it, she had expected Elliot would come back with her. She placed her hand over Elliot's, closing her eyes and breathing in deeply.

They needed to talk about what was next for them.

Elliot nuzzled her ear. "I love you."

Olivia leaned her head back and turned her head towards Elliot's. "I love you too." She said softly. She saw Elliot smile and he snuggled her closer. Olivia closed her eyes and let out a contented sigh.

They could talk later.

EOEOEOEOEO

Olivia was sitting on the front porch with a mug of coffee when she saw a boat moving across the lake. The late morning sun was high in the sky and it was making it hard to see who was on the boat, but she knew it could only be one person. She smiled as the boat slowed, and Walt waved at her. Olivia set down her coffee, stood up and wrapped her bulky cardigan more tightly around her against the chill in the air.

"Hey!" She said as she waved at Walt. She walked down the porch steps as he tied the boat to the dock and stepped on to the dock.

"Morning." Walt said as Olivia walked towards him.

She gave him a broad smile. "Good morning." She motioned back towards the cabin. "Elliot's not here. He ran to town."

Walt nodded. "OK. Well, then I'll just set for a minute and have a cup." He started towards the cabin but then stopped and looked back at her. "If that's OK with you."

Olivia shrugged her shoulders. "Of course." She fell in step with him and they headed towards the porch. Walt motioned for her to go ahead of him, and she stopped to grab her mug, so she could get a refill. She was surprised to see him walk into the cabin without her, but she knew she shouldn't be surprised that he would make himself at home.

Walt seemed to do what Walt wanted to do.

The thought had just flitted through her head when he grabbed her mug from her hand and refilled it.

"Let's sit outside." He said. He didn't wait for her; he just breezed past her, carrying both coffee mugs with him.

When Olivia followed him out, he was already lowering himself into the chair that she had vacated earlier. She bit back a smile and sat down in the chair next to him, reaching for her coffee on the table between them.

"You having a good time up here?" Walt asked. "You two been keeping busy?"

Olivia noticed Walt was staring at her intently, and she couldn't help the blush that crept into her cheeks. Before she could speak, Walt chuckled.

"Good for you." He grinned. "Elliot's a lucky guy." He sighed. "If I was a few years younger…" He chuckled again.

Normally, Olivia would be somewhat put off by those kinds of comments, but Walt seemed harmless enough. It was part of his charm.

"He's a good guy." Walt continued.

Olivia waited. She could sense that Walt had something to say, and she didn't want to interrupt. Sure enough, he continued.

"When Elliot first came up here, I met him at the diner. We started talking, and found we had some things in common." He leaned over towards her slightly. "I worked for the Staties for 40 years." He confided in her. "But he was vague, so I dropped it. I could tell he was going through something. I decided he just needed a friend, so I invited him to go fishing." He nodded, more to himself than anything. "We've been fishing almost every day since then."

"Elliot really seems to enjoy it." Olivia offered. "I'm sure it's the company more than anything."

"Huh." Walt said gruffly. "Don't know about that. But we have talked a lot…and that boy had a lot to get out."

"Elliot never had a very good relationship with his father. It's good that you could be there for him."

"It's a funny thing…" Walt leaned back against the chair, rocking backwards until the back of the chair hit the wall. "All that talkin' we did, he never mentioned you once."

Olivia saw Walt look over at her, but there wasn't any judgment in his eyes.

"Why you think that is?" He asked. He seemed almost disinterested in the answer and he went back to looking at the lake and rocking in his chair. He only waited a few moments before he answered. And when he answered, he looked directly at her. "I thought he didn't want to talk about the job…that something had happened that he was trying to forget…but now, it makes sense. He was trying to forget about _you_."

Olivia didn't know why that plain truth hit her so squarely, especially when Elliot had told her the very same thing. The thought of it made her throat thick with emotion. She felt tears brimming on her lower lashes.

Walt looked over at her and he broke into a grin. He reached out a hand and patted hers. "Nah…none of that." He said gruffly. "I didn't tell you that to make you worry." He leaned in slightly. "I've seen the way that man looks at you…." He winked at her. "He wouldn't have been able to get you out of his mind, no matter how hard he tried." He lifted his hand and tapped his heart. "I'm going to tell you what I told him. You're in his blood." He leaned back again and smiled at her. "And he's a lucky SOB that you came up here chasing after him."

Olivia relaxed slightly, and she was able to give him a smile. "I like you Walt."

"What's not to like?" Walt laughed at his own joke.

Olivia laughed and stood up, needing a refill. "More coffee?"

"Nah."

Olivia started to walk past him, but then she paused. She reached out and took his hand, feeling a kinship to Walt. "I really appreciate what you've done for Elliot. And…for me. For us. If he hadn't met you, I don't know what I would have found when I knocked on that door."

Walt placed his other hand on top of hers. "Just do me a favor. Be happy."

"Hey!"

Both Olivia and Walt looked up and saw Elliot coming around the corner of the cabin, and Walt dropped her hands.

"Trying to steal my girl?" Elliot joked as he climbed up the stairs with a bag of groceries in his arm.

Walt stood up and winked at Olivia. "Do you blame me?"

Elliot set the bag down on the deck and wrapped an arm around Olivia's waist, pulling her against his hip. "Not at all. You've got good taste." He leaned in and gave Olivia a quick kiss on the cheek.

"You're both incorrigible." She pulled away from Elliot, grabbed the groceries, and left the two of them behind.

Olivia walked into the cabin, thinking about the relationship between Elliot and Walt and all the things they had discussed. It bothered her that Elliot had never mentioned her to Walt, but she guessed it was understandable. He had been trying to erase the painful parts of his past…and she was rolled into that.

They'd done a great job of leaving the past in the past over the last several days, and it had been working for them. They were moving forward…

Olivia started unpacking the groceries and she could hear the murmur of Elliot's and Walt's voices as they talked out on the porch.

Moving forward had its own set of issues…ones they haven't even began to discuss. But Olivia was going to have to go back to the city in the next day or so, and this fairy tale existence was going to come to an end. Or at least, look different.

She had no idea what that looked like or what Elliot had in mind.

They had to talk about it soon.

Maybe this afternoon.

"Liv." Elliot walked into the kitchen. "Hey." He said, a huge smile on his face. "I'm thinking…well…Walt wanted to know if I wanted to go fishing."

Olivia smiled. She should have known.

"Do you mind if I go for a bit?"

"Are you asking for my permission?" Olivia said, amusement in her tone.

"No." Elliot said, shooting her a grin. "Well…maybe." He walked around the counter and rested his hands on her hips. "I just want to make sure you're not going to miss me too much." He growled playfully and leaned in for a kiss.

"Honestly?" Olivia quipped after he'd released her mouth. "I need a break. We've spent way too much time together the past few days."

Elliot let out a loud laugh. "Yeah…we'll see what you say when I get back."

Olivia watched as he ran around to gather his heavy coat and a hat and gloves. He came back into the kitchen in a rush and gave her a quick kiss before he was out the door. She watched out the window as he and Walt took off, and she let out a sigh.

This place…the quiet…the scenery… the people. It was as if they were living someone else's life. She never would have imagined she could be here, with Elliot, like this. When she thought about what came after this, nothing came to mind. She couldn't see Elliot with her in her apartment. She couldn't imagine going to work every day at the 16th and coming home to find Elliot waiting for her. She couldn't see them in the city together at all. Maybe it was because for her entire life, she'd lived alone, or maybe it was because he wasn't part of her life there anymore.

She couldn't see them together anywhere but here.

But Elliot had said this cabin was temporary.

She wondered if he'd had any plans for when he needed to leave this place.

She wondered if he had thought about a future for them.

Olivia sat down at the table and buried her head in her hands. So many questions…and no answers.

Maybe it had been a mistake for them to move blissfully forward without dealing with their past or thinking about their future.

But she couldn't find it within herself to regret a single moment.

They would figure it out.

They had to figure it out.


	14. Chapter 14

AN: So sorry for the long delay. I've been at a conference and haven't had any time to write. So, here's an update, and maybe, just maybe, there'll be another one tomorrow! Thanks for all your continued reviews. I love them!

EOEOEOEO

Olivia looked out the window, but Elliot and Walt's boat was nowhere in sight. She went to look at her watch, when she realized she wasn't wearing it. Time seemed to have no place here, and she realized she hadn't even checked her phone over the past several days.

Olivia walked into her room and looked around, unsure of where she'd even left it. She saw it on top of the old bureau, still plugged into the charger. She retrieved it and the screen lit up, showing two missed calls…one from Nick and one from Cragen…and several text messages. They were also from Nick and Cragen…and one from Fin.

Olivia sat down hard on the edge of the bed, staring at the screen. She knew that if she read the messages, the real world would come crashing in and the private cocoon they'd been living in would be smashed to pieces.

The past few days had been like a dream…especially since she had convinced herself so long ago that fairy tales were never meant for her. But she was here, with Elliot, and it was like nothing she could have imagined. Even driving up here to confront him, she had never dreamed they'd end up here.

Elliot's whispered words came back to her.

 _I don't ever want to leave this place._

If only it was that easy.

Olivia ran her thumb lightly over the screen.

Maybe it could be…

Olivia was startled from her thoughts by someone yelling. She listened and heard it again. It was Elliot calling out her name, and she dropped her phone on the bed as she stood up. She hated to admit how anxious she was to see him.

The messages could wait.

Elliot saw Olivia come to the door, and he smile broadly at her. He had enjoyed fishing with Walt, but he'd been impatient to get back to Olivia.

He held up the stringer of fish he and Walt had caught. They usually threw them back, but Walt had suggested they cook them up, and he thought it sounded good. Olivia came through the door and he spent the next half a minute just taking her in. She was standing in bare feet, that bulky brown cardigan wrapped around her body and held with one hand as the wind whipped her hair. He watched as she tried to hold it back with her hand, but the wind was winning. And her smile…

He felt like that smile was just for him.

"Looks like someone's happy to see you." Walt said, breaking Elliot's reverie.

"Yeah." Elliot said, never taking his eyes off Olivia as she headed down the stairs and towards the dock.

"You know…" Walt said. "I don't know that I'm feeling much like dinner."

Elliot stole a quick glance back at Walt. When Walt had suggested they keep the fish, Elliot had invited him to stay for dinner. Walt had protested slightly, but Elliot knew how lonely the old man got, so he figured a little less time alone with Olivia would be tolerable. Walt had done so much for him. But now, as he turned and watched Olivia walk towards them, he had mixed feelings. Still, it was the right thing to do.

Elliot stepped off the boat. "Hey Liv. Will you tell Walt that he can't back out of dinner?"

Olivia raised her eyebrows, surprised to hear Elliot had invited the older man to dinner. She looked down at the line of fish he was holding. "Of course, as long as you're cooking. I don't have the slightest idea what to do with those."

"Really…" Walt said. "We can do it another time."

"I'm not sure how much longer I'm going to be here." Olivia said. "So, you'd better have dinner with us while you can." She saw the surprised look on Elliot's face, and she realized that while she had been thinking about reentry into the real world, Elliot obviously had not. She reached out and grasped Elliot's free hand, tugging him slightly closer. "I figured the fish must be biting today." She said, trying for a distraction. "You two were out a lot longer than I thought you'd be." She gave Elliot's hand a squeeze, trying to get the look of surprise off his face. He kept his gaze trained on her, but Olivia looked past him at Walt. "Come on in. You two must be freezing. We'll have something to warm us up, and watch Elliot cook for us." She squeezed Elliot's hand again as Walt finally acquiesced, and he looked down at her, giving her a strained smile. "OK?" She looked up at Elliot, trying to give him a reassuring smile.

Elliot knew Olivia was waiting for a reaction from him…that she was seeking come kind of reassurance…but her comment had really thrown him. Of course, he had known that they'd have to make some decisions on what their future held at some point, but the fact that she had put a timeframe on it meant she'd obviously been thinking about it.

 _I'm not sure how much longer I'm going to be here._

"El?" Olivia repeated his name.

"Yeah…" Elliot looked back down at Olivia and squeezed her hand. He turned and saw Walt standing awkwardly on the dock. "Walt, we'd really love it if you could stay."

"Alright. If you insist." Walt cracked a smile. He brushed by Elliot and looped his arm through Olivia's, tugging her away from him. Elliot watched as they walked up towards the cabin, but he hung back for a moment, just watching as she walked away.

He could see it then. Olivia packing and getting in her car…driving away.

Going back to the city.

Going back to the job.

She'd want him to come with her.

The reality of that started to sink in. He supposed there was a part of him that already knew that, but he'd put it out of his mind. He didn't want to think about it.

He didn't know if he could go back…

"Elliot!"

He looked up and saw Walt standing on the porch.

"Those fish aren't going to clean themselves."

EOEOEOEO

The sun had set by the time they had finished dinner, and Elliot worried about Walt going across the lake on the boat. He offered to drive Walt home, and after a few refusals, Walt finally gave in.

Olivia couldn't keep herself from looking out the window, even though she knew she'd hear his truck when he pulled in. Elliot had seemed anxious during dinner, and she knew it was her fault. She hadn't meant to upset him with her flippant comment to Walt, and she wished she'd had a moment alone with him before he'd taken off to try to assure him or ease his anxiety.

Maybe tonight wasn't the night to talk about tomorrow and beyond.

Olivia saw headlights sweep across the yard, and she pulled back, letting the curtains fall back into place. She went to the door and opened it as Elliot pulled into the yard, relief coursing through her. It wasn't that she had worried he wasn't coming back…she just didn't like this unsettled feeling in the pit of her stomach.

"Hey." Elliot said as he walked up. Olivia looked anxious, and his first thought was that something was wrong. He rushed up the stairs a little faster. "What happened?" He asked in a rush.

Olivia shook her head lightly. "Nothing." She pushed herself into his body and wrapped her arms around him tightly. "I just missed you." She lay her cheek against his chest as Elliot wrapped his arms around her, and he smiled.

He kissed the top of her head, surprised and pleased by her sudden outburst. "I missed you too." He started to move their combined bodies inside the door. "C'mon. It's cold out here." Elliot kicked the door closed behind him.

Olivia pulled away slightly once they were inside, and she ran her hands up his chest. She looked up at him and was unnerved by the same look in his eyes that she'd seen at dinner. It was a look of anxiety laced with just a little bit of fear. "El…"

Elliot put his hands over hers, stilling them against his chest. Whatever she was going to say, he didn't want to hear it. He slid his hands down her arms until he was grasping her biceps. Before he even realized what he was doing, he turned them around and pushed her up against the door. It rattled on its hinges with the sudden weight thrown against it, and he heard a small gasp of surprise escape Olivia's lips. He didn't give her a chance to ask any questions or even protest before he crashed his mouth against hers. He kissed her with intensity…all his anxiety and uncertainty channeled into the act. He tilted his head and deepened the kiss, plunging his tongue into the recesses of her mouth, and he heard her making sounds as he ravaged her mouth with his. But he couldn't stop…he wanted to stop the thoughts in his head and just _feel_. He wanted to lose himself with her.

Elliot shrugged off his heavy coat. Then he ran his hands up her body and grasped her cardigan, pushing it roughly off her shoulders. He ripped his mouth from hers and kissed his way down her jaw and her neck…nipping at the skin lightly with his teeth…sucking and teasing her skin…marking her. He worked his way down her body, teasing her peaked nipples through the material of her t-shirt until he was on his knees pulling up the material. He felt Olivia brace her hands on his shoulders as he placed open mouthed kisses on her abdomen. He pushed the shirt farther up her body as he made his way back up her body. He took her lace clad breast into his mouth and he heard a long, low moan escape from her as she dug her fingers into his shoulders.

The sounds she was making heated his blood and he felt frantic with need. He reached for her jeans, unbuttoning and unzipping them quickly. As he released her breast, he stood up and grasped her lips with his again, hearing her head knock against the door. He knew he was being a little rough with her, but she wasn't asking him to stop…

He slid his hand roughly down over her breast and then her stomach…until he reached her jeans. He felt the lace of her panties, but he didn't hesitate as his fingers pushed beneath the rough material and through her folds. He could feel the effect he was having on her as he teased her entrance as the back of his hand pushed against the confines of her jeans. He felt her body jolt slightly as he slid a finger inside of her…then another…and her body constricted against the intrusion.

Elliot ripped his mouth from hers and buried his lips near her ear. "Olivia." He said her name heatedly.

Olivia heard the roughness in his voice…the tone deep…dark. She didn't know if it was an apology or if he was asking for some kind of permission, but he was pumping his fingers inside of her right now and she had no voice. There wasn't anything gentle about it, but she trusted Elliot implicitly. She knew he wouldn't hurt her.

Elliot flicked her clit with his thumb and Olivia lost it. Her hands left his shoulders and she slapped them hard against the door. The loud sound rattled around the room as she tried to clutch at something…anything. The movement of his fingers and the pressure of his thumb…just the intensity of his actions…his raw desire…all of it was threatening to send her over the edge. She wanted her jeans off _now_.

"Elliot." She strangled out, thrusting her hips forward. "Fuck." She swore.

"That's the idea." Elliot said roughly in her ear. He bit down lightly and then ran his tongue down her neck until he found a sensitive spot on her neck. He sucked at her pulse point and he could feel her body trembling. But he was going to be a selfish bastard…he wanted her to come with his cock buried deep inside of her. He pulled his fingers out quickly and Olivia gasped out a complaint at the sudden change in direction. He covered her mouth with his and drown out any other words from her, kissing her hard as he pushed her jeans and panties down over her hips. He used his foot to drag them to the ground. He released her mouth then and took a step back to pull his shirt over his head. He saw her eyes open at the loss of contact, and he saw her own lust mirrored his. Her skin was flushed, and her breathing was erratic, and he realized just how fucking deep in he really was. He didn't just love this woman…

"Elliot." Olivia reached for him.

The sultry tone of her voice made him throb with need. He shucked off his jeans and his underwear, and then he pinned her against the door again, knocking her knees apart slightly with his. She gasped slightly has he pressed his erection…hot and hard…against her. He framed her face with his hands, looking deeply into her eyes. "This is it for me Olivia." He said. "You and me…"

Olivia reached up and pulled him to her, sliding her fingers around the back of his head. As she ghosted her lips over his, she repeated his words, laden with emotion. "You and me."


	15. Chapter 15

Elliot came into consciousness slowly. His first thought was that it was early…especially for the night they'd had. His second thought was that he was alone. He opened his eyes slowly and saw the space next to him _was_ empty. He thought that maybe he was dreaming, and he closed his eyes and opened them again, running a hand over his face as if to wake himself. But it wasn't a dream. He wasn't wrapped around Olivia like he had been every other morning for the past several days. He slid a hand across the sheets; they were cool to the touch.

Wherever she was, she'd been up for a while.

The early morning light was just streaking into the room and the wooden floor was cold beneath his feet as he slid out of bed. Elliot grabbed a t-shirt off the pile laying on top of the bureau and pulled on a pair of jeans that were crumpled on the floor. He was buttoning them as he padded towards the living room. He didn't see her there, and he turned towards the kitchen. He stopped when he saw her sitting at the table, and she lifted her head as soon as she registered his presence.

Elliot's eyes darted to the phone laying on the table in front of her, and then back to her face. He saw tears on her lower lashes and his first instinct was to ask her what happened…but she looked away from him too quickly, and his heart caught in his throat.

"Liv." He stood rooted in place as she turned her head to look at him…a tear escaping her lower lashes.

"I have to go back." Her voice was barely a whisper, but despite the lack of response or emotion on his face, she knew he'd heard her. He had been expecting her to say those very words after her comment on the dock and he had made damn sure they hadn't had a chance to talk about it last night. She hadn't fought him. Last night…the urgency of their love-making…the tumble into bed and the abandonment…the sheer strength of their need…it was all a desperate attempt to avoid what they both knew was coming.

When they had fallen asleep they were sated…exhausted.

But in the early morning hours, Olivia had woken, and she knew she couldn't ignore Cragen's calls and texts anymore. She had snuck out of bed quietly, unable to sleep, and retrieved her phone. Cragen had left another message last night, at just about the same time Elliot had pressed up her against the door, telling her she needed to call him ASAP. She listened to that one first. _String of rapes…short-handed…team was exhausted…they needed her._

She had barely heard the words before she deleted the message.

She deleted all the others without listening or reading them. She knew they'd all be more of the same…the urgency in Cragen's and Fin's voice growing with each call or text that went unanswered.

Olivia stared at Elliot, and she knew he had no response. She sat up, wiping the stray tears from her cheek. "Come back with me." She could hear the desperation in her own voice, but Elliot's demeanor remained unchanged. He dropped his eyes, and Olivia felt the panic in her start to rise. "Elliot."

He dragged his eyes back to hers, feeling the pain his words were going to cause before he said them. "I can't." He shook his head. "God Liv. I _can't_." He saw the look in her eyes…the one that told him she had known how he would answer before he even said the words. He wished now that they had taken their issues head on before they'd gotten in so deeply. But he also knew that if they had, they may not have ever gotten to the place they were at now.

He didn't know which was worse.

He felt desperation overtake him, and it propelled him from the spot he'd been anchored too. He walked around the table and pulled out the chair next to Olivia. As he sat down, he leaned towards her. "Stay here. With me." His eyes moved back and forth between hers. "You don't need to go back."

Olivia shook her head. "I can't just quit my job…" She took in a deep breath. "My whole life is in New York City."

"But you can." He dropped his hands to her knees without losing eye contact. "You're in control. You can walk away…"

"Like you did?" Olivia blurted the words out before she even realized she had said them, but Elliot sat back as if she'd had physically slapped him.

"You know why I left." Elliot said. They'd had this discussion just a few days ago. It was the same day he'd finally told her that he loved her, and their entire relationship had changed.

A new thought formed, and he sat back. "Wait…was that your plan? Did you think that you would just…"? He motioned towards the bedroom. "That we would sleep together and that I'd just follow you like a puppy dog back to New York City?"

Olivia furrowed her brows. "What are you saying?" She pushed her chair backwards until it hit the wall. "You think I _seduced_ you so that you'd…" She couldn't even finish the sentence. She pushed herself out of her chair. "You're an asshole." She brushed past Elliot, barely squeezing between him and the counter.

Elliot stood up and snagged her arm as she passed, but Olivia wrenched it free. "That came out wrong."

Olivia turned around quickly, forcing Elliot to take a step back. "That came out wrong? How…"

"Listen to me." Elliot put up his hands. "Please. Just…just…listen for a second."

Olivia let out a small groan and dropped her head back, closing her eyes in the process. She could feel tears welling up, pricking at the back of her eyeballs. This discussion…this argument…it would have been so much easier before…

"You said you came up here to get answers, and I tried to answer them as best as I could. But did you honestly think that you'd talk me into coming back to New York? That I'd come back? Be your partner again?"

Olivia lifted her head and opened her eyes. "No." She said vehemently, but then she shook her head. "I don't know." The admission surprised even her, and she let out a heavy sigh. "I told you that I didn't know what to expect. But I never imagined we'd end up here." She ran her hands over her brows and down her cheeks. "I don't know what we're supposed to do now." She turned to walk out of the room, but Elliot snagged her arm again. This time, she didn't fight him. As he turned her around and curled her into his body, she grabbed onto his t-shirt, feeling the tears welling again.

Elliot felt her tears wetting his shirt, and he felt so helpless. It didn't happen very often, but he hated it when Olivia cried. He wished he could say something to make her feel better, but he was at a loss. He dropped his mouth to the crown of her head and slipped a hand into her hair. "Shhh." He murmured against her hair. "We'll figure it out." He kept making soothing sounds as her body trembled beneath his hands.

As he stood and held her, he wondered if he could go back to the city. Not as a cop. Not as her partner. Just to be there…with her. _For_ her.

He didn't know if he could. That life…a jumble of images assaulted him. The victims…crime scenes…Jenna. The blood on his hands.

He was brought back to the present as she started to pull away from him.

"I'll be right back." Olivia swiped at her face, embarrassed by her breakdown. She went into the bathroom and locked the door behind her. As she braced her arms against the sink, she stared at her reflection in the mirror. Thankfully, she hadn't had any make-up on to smear and run, but her eyes were red and swollen…her entire face was flushed. Olivia took in a few deep breathes, trying to clear her head. In and out. In and out.

This was such a fucking mess.

She thought back over the past few months. After she'd received the news about Elliot, Olivia really hadn't thought she'd be able to go on without Elliot at her side. But now, even though she was still adjusting, she was making it. She was learning to work with Amaro, and she thought they were starting to trust each other. The only thing plaguing her had been the unanswered questions about Elliot.

It's the reason she had come up here. Hoping she could find some peace. Through it all, she hadn't really ever thought about giving up her life in New York. Or her job.

But now…she'd gotten more than she had bargained for. She knew exactly what she was to Elliot, and she didn't feel as if a part of her was missing anymore.

Olivia let out a heavy sigh, trying to sort through everything that had happened…everything that had been said…over the past several days. Elliot's accusation had stung, but she knew there was an element of truth to it. On the drive up, she had wondered if she might be able to talk him into coming back. It hadn't been her main objective when she had made the decision to come up here, but it had certainly been there in the back of her mind.

Olivia jumped as Elliot knocked on the door.

"Liv." Elliot called out her name. She'd been in there too long. He didn't hear any response…no sound at all…and it rattled him. He pounded a little harder. "Liv!"

"I'm fine." Olivia called out. "Just give me a minute." She turned on the faucets, running her hands beneath the cold water. She didn't wait for it to warm up, capturing the water in her hands and splashing it on her face. It stung at first, but then the cold felt soothing against her flushed skin and her burning eyes.

Elliot waited impatiently. They had so much more to talk about. The longer she was in there, the more she was thinking about things, and he didn't want her making any decisions until they talked some more. He lifted his hand to knock again, when it opened suddenly. He took a step backwards, giving her some space. "Hey."

"Hey."

"You know I didn't mean that…" Elliot waved towards the kitchen. "you know, when I said…" He let the sentence trail off.

"I know." Olivia said. "But, if we're still being honest, I think I hoped…" She swallowed. "I mean, before all of this happened, that'd I'd come up here and talk to you and that you'd had enough time to…" She shrugged her shoulders. "I thought maybe you'd be ready to come back." She walked out of the bathroom and headed towards the living room, dropping heavily onto the couch. She curled up her legs beneath her, wrapping her arms around them.

Elliot followed her into the room and sat down in the chair opposite her. "I'm not coming back to the job Liv." Elliot dropped his head.

"OK." Olivia said hurriedly. "I get that you can't come back to the job, but can you come back to the city?"

"We _have_ something here Olivia." Elliot leaned towards her. "Stay with me. Call Cragen. Tell him you're done."

Olivia dropped her legs. "But I'm _not_ done. There are still so many people that need my help."

"Someone else can help them." Elliot said heatedly. "It doesn't have to be _you_." He stood up and paced towards the fireplace, finally turning around to face her. "I can't bear the thought of you out there. What if you get hurt? Or worse?"

"That didn't seem to bother you when you left four months ago." Olivia knew it was harsh, but it was true. "My new partner has my six."

"Just because I wasn't there doesn't mean I didn't think about you…didn't worry about you. It's been one of my biggest fears. For a long time." His voice was laced with emotion. "I worried that one day, Cragen was going to call me, or that I hear you'd been shot on the news." He walked over and sat down on the other end of the couch. "Christ Olivia…you've saved so many people, but you can't save them all."

Olivia looked down at her hands that were folded in her hands, a jumble of thoughts going through her head.

Elliot took her silence as a good sign. "We can have a life together. You love it here, don't you?"

"You told me this was temporary." Olivia said.

"I like it here Liv. This life. It's quiet. It's…" he pressed his lips together, struggling with his thoughts. "It's what I need."

"And if I tell you that I can't stay?" Olivia asked. "Then what?"

Elliot was at a loss for words. He couldn't imagine going back to the city. The thought of it was suffocating…a tangible thing that threatened to strangle him. He wasn't ready…

Olivia saw Elliot look at her, and there was so much despair in his eyes. The past had affected him more than she had even realized, and she could see he was genuinely struggling. "El…" She reached out, placing her hands over his. "It's OK. Maybe what we had here…maybe that was all that was meant to be for us."


	16. Chapter 16

"El…" She reached out, placing her hands over his. "It's OK. Maybe what we had here…maybe that was all that was meant to be for us."

Elliot was shocked, and he pulled his hands back from beneath hers. "What?" He couldn't fathom that she could actually believe that. He shook his head slightly as she stared at him…tears threatening her lower lashes. "Why do you do that?" He asked incredulously.

"Do what?" Olivia asked.

"Continue to put everyone else before yourself? Throw away any chance at happiness, as if you don't deserve it." He leaned forward again. "You don't have to make up for all your father's sins Olivia. You've already paid enough."

"That's not…" Olivia's anger spiked. "How _dare_ you. This has nothing to do with my father."

"You know that's not true." Elliot said, his voice even and measured. "Every rapist you catch…every survivor you help…it's some kind of penance for what your father did to your mother." He reached out towards Olivia, but she flinched, and he withdrew his hand. "One more rapist. One more survivor. When is it going to be enough?"

Olivia felt like she was suffocating. She couldn't breathe.

Elliot saw the look on Olivia's face. The detachment…the denial. He reared back when she launched herself off the couch suddenly, and before he knew what was happening, she had disappeared down the hallway. He heard the door to the porch slam shut, and he was up and off the couch, cursing under his breath. There was nowhere for her to go, but her inclination to run whenever things got tough…it had to stop here.

He grabbed his coat off the rack by the door as he followed her outside, knowing it must be freezing in these early morning hours. When he got to the edge of the porch, he saw Olivia standing at the end of the dock, and he had an irrational thought that maybe she'd jump into the icy water. He knew better of course, but the thought shook him.

"Olivia!" He yelled out to her, but she didn't turn around. She was barefoot, wearing only leggings and a long sweater, and he knew it wouldn't take long for the cold to seep into her bones. He was about to follow her out on the dock and cover up with his coat, but he hesitated. He wondered if he should give her some time, or if time would work against him.

He stood in place, indecision coursing through him as he argued in his own mind. Finally, he made a decision. "No." He said vehemently to himself. "Not this time." He wasn't going to let this go. He had made that mistake in the past, losing a little bit of her each time, when their refusal to be honest about what was happening between them too precedence, and it was easier to fight…to flee…then to talk.

No more.

"Olivia!"

This time, she turned to face him, and he saw her shivering in the wind. His own feet were getting numb from the frost on the porch, but he bounded down the steps, skipping several along the way. He slipped on the icy wood a little as his feet hit the dock, but he righted himself. When he reached her, he didn't say a word. He just wrapped his coat around her shoulders. She didn't object…didn't respond in any way except to clutch it around her. He saw the now omnipresent tears and he hated that he had made her cry once more.

Olivia noted that Elliot was careful not to touch her in any way, except to wrap his jacket around her shoulders.

It didn't matter.

Olivia felt numb. On the outside and the inside.

She wondered if what Elliot had said was true and she just didn't recognize it herself. There was so much about her childhood…her life…that had driven her to the place she was today. It felt like she'd spent a lifetime finding ways to escape her circumstances, and yet, like a shadow, it was always there.

But wasn't that true of everyone? Didn't everyone had experiences that shaped who they were?

Elliot certainly did. His mother…his father. He had volatile relationships with them both. He was a product of that.

She thought about Fin and Cragen, Munch and Amaro. Everyone had a story.

She couldn't believe she was that different than anyone else.

Or maybe it was people that had been through tough times that were driven to a life of service to others. To make something of themselves…to prove they could overcome those circumstances and make a difference in other people's lives.

"Olivia."

She was drawn from her thoughts, refocusing on the man standing in front of her. She saw the look of concern on his face.

This man…he loved her. He knew her. All her flaws and faults and imperfections. And still…he loved her.

Olivia found her voice then. "I'm not throwing away happiness." She pushed a hand on Elliot's chest, pushing him slightly, but he didn't budge. "I'm not putting other's needs before my own." She looked back and forth between his eyes, looking for some indication he was hearing what she was saying. "I'm doing a lot of good for a lot of people. Women. Children. People who have no one else to fight for them." She waited for Elliot to say something in response, but his remained silent, his blue eyes focused on her. "Does it really matter why I do it? Why any of us do what we do?"

"It doesn't matter." Elliot agreed with her. "But I'm just asking you…why does it have to be you? Why can't you be happy with what you've accomplished and just…" He let out a heavy sigh. "Just start the next chapter of your life?"

"Why does it have to be all or nothing? Why are you making me choose?" Olivia asked. "If you know me at all, you know I don't like being backed into a corner. And this…it's an impossible decision." She saw the hopefulness in Elliot's eyes fade then, and his shoulders dropped.

"I'm sorry to hear that Liv. I really am. I thought the decision would be an easy one." He let out a deep breath, his heart heavy. He honestly couldn't believe they that with everything they'd been through in the past…everything that had led up to this very moment…that she didn't want to leave her old life behind to start a new one with him. "If the tables were turned, I wouldn't even have to think about it." His fight was gone. She obviously didn't feel the same way he felt about her. If she even had it within herself to love someone completely. To trust…to believe in love. He wondered if any of it was real, or just an end to a means.

Olivia watched him walk away from her, desperation taking over. She had seen the look on his face. He had given up on her…on them. "Elliot!" Things couldn't end like this. He didn't understand what she was trying to say. She had to make him listen…understand. She started after him, but the dock was slick with frost, and her feet were numb, and she lost her footing. She let out a scream as she lost her balance, and her arms pinwheeled as she found herself falling backwards.

Elliot heard the scream and then the splash, and he spun around on the grass to see her hit the water. "Olivia!" He made it to the end of the dock, but he couldn't see her beneath the reeds and the lily pads. "Olivia!" He yelled again, scanning the surface of the water. He was just about to jump in when he saw her break through the surface, sputtering and flailing her arms, trying to stay afloat. But the heaviness of her wet clothes, particularly his jacket, was weighing her down. He lay down on the dock, swiping at her arms, but he missed. He didn't know how deep the water was here, but it had to be at least 10 feet, and he know it would be confusing under water. He was just about to jump in after her when she surfaced again. He snagged both arms and dragged her forward.

"Put your arms around my neck." He urged her, trying to get a better hold on her. But the water had to be below 50 degrees, and he knew she was nearly paralyzed with the cold. She was panicking as she tried to grab onto him, and as she flailed her arms again, he lost his grip on her. Moments before she went under again, he managed to grab the collar of the coat. He tugged her closer to the end of the dock, until she was close enough that he could get a good hold on her. "I'm gonna pull you up." He gritted his teeth and pulled hard until he could get his arms around her waist. He was in an awkward position, but he could feel her shivering against him. He tried to get purchase on the dock with his feet, but there was nothing to brace him as he held her in the water. Finally, his toes found a gap in the boards of the dock, and he dug in. He gathered all his strength, and with one final heave, he pulled her up onto the dock.

They both landed hard on the wooden surface, and he rolled her over onto her back. She looked up at him…shock, disbelief and a trace of fear in her eyes "You're OK." He reassured her as he pushed her wet hair away from her face. Her teeth were chattering, and her entire body was shaking. "You're OK." He didn't know if that last reassurance was for him or her. "C'mon. We're gonna get your inside and get you warmed up."

Elliot stood up and made sure his feet were solid beneath him. His feet and hands were frozen, but nothing compared to how cold Olivia must be. He hoisted her up off the dock, listening to her feeble protests as he carried her in his arms. She was shivering uncontrollably as he went up the stairs as fast as he possibly could and then into the relative warmth of the cabin. He stood there for a moment, cursing himself for not having started a fire or cranking up the heater this morning.

Not that there had been time for that.

Seconds later, he headed towards the bathroom. He set Olivia down gently on the toilet lid, kneeling down in front of her. Elliot pushed her hair away from her face again, noting the blank stare on her face. It was almost as if she was in shock. "Liv." He said, trying to get her to focus on him as he pushed the wet, heavy coat off her shoulders. The shaking in her body had intensified. He knew she'd only been in the water for a few minutes at the most, but he had no idea of the impact of water at that temperature.

Elliot scrambled over and turned on the shower, willing the water to get warm quickly. He crawled on his knees back to where Olivia was sitting, and he framed her face with his hands. "Liv." She still wasn't responding, and he didn't know what to do. She needed heat…warmth. He slipped his wet shirt off, and then tugged at her sweater. It was completely drenched, and more cold water ran down her body as he lifted it roughly up her body and over her head. The weighted material hit the tiles with a wet, squelching sound. Elliot reached for Olivia and pulled her body against his, rubbing his hands up and down her bare back to try to generate some warmth. He could still feel her trembling against him, and his hands moved to her arms, scrubbing them up and down.

The room started to fill with steam and Elliot released her, making sure she was steady, before he tested the water. Much to his relief, the water was warm. He moved quickly, struggling to take his wet jeans off before he reached for her. He pulled her gently off the toilet. "Come on." He walked them the few steps to the shower, and it was like moving a puppet. She didn't resist, but she didn't actively participate. He stepped into the shower, and half lifted her into the ceramic tub. He turned her quickly and she jumped slightly as the warm spray hit her shoulders and her back. He pushed her back slightly, so the warm water was hitting her body completely, and he used both hands to hold her steady as the water sluiced down her body.

He was starting to warm up slightly from the residual spray, and he grabbed the shower curtain and pulled it close to keep the heat from the water inside the shower. He hoped to God there was a large enough water heater to allow them to stay in her for a while. He moved a little closer, looking back and forth between her eyes, but she was still a little out of it. In the next moment, her legs buckled, and he wrapped an arm around her waist to hold her. But she seemed to have lost any energy she had, and she sagged against him. He had been running on pure adrenaline himself, but now it was leeching out of him, making him feel exhausted.

Elliot took a step backwards, and he was happy to hear a small protest from Olivia. He turned her body around, so the spray was hitting her chest and her stomach, and he slowly lowered them onto the floor of the tub. Olivia was nestled between his legs and he wrapped his arms around her, letting the warmth of the water and the steam in the enclosed space envelope them. He lowered his mouth to her ear, squeezing her gently. "Liv. Say something. Please."

Her heard her words…choked out with a small sob…barely more than a whisper. "Don't give up on me."


	17. Chapter 17

" _Don't give up on me."_

Her voice was small…almost indiscernible with the sound of the water falling all around them.

But the weight of her words lay heavily on him.

He _had_ walked away from her on that dock. He'd let his anger and frustration win out. He had questioned her feelings for him when the only thing she wanted… _needed_ …was for him to believe in her. To fight for her.

He wrapped his arms more tightly around her. "I'm not. I _won't._ " The words rushed out as he held her. "Never." He was the asshole she had accused him of being…calling her out on her father and her past…on what drove her… when he had his own demons he was fighting.

 _Why does it have to be all or nothing?_

He had ignored the plea in her voice and in her eyes.

He owed her a world of assurances. "I'm not going to give up on you." He placed a kiss on her temple. "I'd be crazy to let you go when you're the only thing I wanted."

Olivia relaxed against him then and Elliot breathed a small sigh of relief. He needed to take more care with his words…with his anger and demands…as they both learned to navigate the new territory they found themselves in. If he didn't…if they didn't find a new way to tell each other what they needed…they would end up where they'd been for the past 12 years. No more trying to read between the lines. Olivia had promised him honesty, and the least he could do is believe her…trust her. And be honest with her.

He felt Olivia shiver against him, and even though the water was still warm, he knew they needed to get out of the tub and she needed some dry clothes. "Sit up a little." He whispered, and Olivia complied without comment. He leaned past her and turned the water off, and then reached outside the curtain, feeling around until his hands landed on the towels stacked on a small shelf next to the tub. He unfolded one and wrapped it around her shoulders, and then stood up, pulling her up gently with him.

"I'm going to take off your pants." He said, looking down at her black leggings. "These must weigh a ton." He shoved them down over her hips, taking her wet underwear with them, and he tried to respect her privacy by looking away. If she noticed, she didn't say anything. He was still a little worried, because she wasn't saying much. She was just letting him handle her as he took another towel and dried her hair gently. He reached around and unhooked her bra, dropping the wet garment into the tub, and then he was wrapping the big bath sheet completely around her, making she was cocooned it. When he made sure she was steady on her feet, Elliot stepped out of the tub, grabbed another towel and dried himself off quickly, trying to get as much water out of his briefs as possible.

Elliot focused his attention back on her, and he leaned over slightly, looking her in the eyes. "Liv?"

Olivia looked at Elliot, still feeling slightly detached somehow. _Drained_. The image of Elliot walking away from her had been a shock…so similar to too many other times. She thought they had some so far since she had arrived here, and the fact that he still doubted her feelings for him was unimaginable. He had said she could trust him and yet...he doubted her, and he walked.

She tried to reconcile that with his whispered words just moments ago and with his gentle treatment of her after her second shock in just minutes…the fall into the icy water. There had been a part of her that had simply wanted to give up…to float away…and that had scared the hell out of her.

She'd always been a fighter, but in those seconds under the icy water, she realized that what Elliot said had a ring of truth to it. She fought for everyone but herself. She wondered if she had any fight left in her…if she could make it on her own. When she'd broken the surface and seen Elliot there, pure panic on his face, she had finally understood the depth of her need for him.

 _Don't give up on me._

Elliot was tugging a heavy sweater that she didn't recognize over her head as she sat on the edge of the bed. It took her a few seconds to realize she was wearing new underwear and socks, and now Elliot was trying to get her feet into a pair of his sweatpants. She hadn't realized she was so unfocused and lost in thought, and as she captured Elliot's eyes with hers, she saw the unsettled look on his face. "El." She said softly, as she placed her hands on his shoulders. Olivia saw relief wash over him as he looked back and forth between her eyes. "I can do it."

Elliot raised an eyebrow as he held the sweatpants pooled at her ankles.

"I'm sorry if I scared you. It was all such a shock. The water was so cold, and I was scared and confused." The look on his face told her that he knew she wasn't just talking about the fall into the lake.

"Stand up." Elliot instructed. He was focused on the task, but he could feel relief coursing through his body at hearing her voice.

Olivia waited a beat, wondering if he'd heard what she said, but then she complied. As she stood, Elliot stood, and he drew the sweats up over her hips. His eyes met hers again, but his hands fumbled with the tie, snugging it tighter so they rested loosely on her hips. "I'm OK." She whispered.

Elliot lifted his hands, framing her face. He used his left hand to lift a few strands of damp hair back from her face, and he tucked it gently behind her ear. "I'm sorry." As the words left his lips, he realized he hadn't told her that often enough. "I'm sorry for all the times I was a shitty partner and an even shittier friend. I'm sorry that I never told you how I felt all those years ago. I'm sorry that I wouldn't let _you_ tell me. And most of all, I'm so sorry that I left you behind." He could see Olivia shaking her head lightly, but he held her face more firmly in his hands. "I know you're going to tell me that we both had a role in how things played out, but I'm just telling you…I'm sorry. I haven't told you nearly often enough. And I'm going to do whatever it takes to make you believe that I love you and that I'm never going to give up on you."

The outpouring from Elliot threw Olivia a little, and she wasn't quite sure how to respond. She was still feeling pretty vulnerable in that moment, and it was an unusual sensation for her. But a small part of her realized that maybe that's what was necessary to _really_ feel…to let love in. Because in that moment, she had never felt as overwhelmed by her feelings for Elliot as she did right now. "Elliot." She choked out, her voice laden with every emotion she couldn't put into words.

"I know." Elliot said. He leaned over and pressed his lips against hers, sliding his hands down her jaw and over her shoulders as he pulled her body closer to his. He felt Olivia's arms slide up around his neck and then she was tilting her head as she ran her hand around the back of his head, holding him in place as she kissed him more deeply. His body was thrumming, and when she slid her tongue between his lips, he felt it low in his belly. But he reminded himself of the shock she'd just had, and he pulled away gently, grasping her forearms in his hands. He smiled down at her and saw a slightly confused look on her face. "I think that's enough kissing for you right now." He teased, breaking the serious mood in the room. He took a few steps back, loosening his hold on her arm but still holding on until her arm was outstretched in front of her. "Your butt is going on the couch with a blanket, some hot tea, a fire and maybe some soup for good measure."

"El." Olivia registered her complaint in her tone. "I'm fine."

Elliot turned towards the doorway and tugged her arm until she had no choice but to move towards him. When her body knocked into his, with their clasped arms sandwiched in between their bodies, Elliot gave her a devilish grin. "Olivia. I hate to tell you this, but you're stuck with me now." His eyes darted towards the bed. "And if I have my way, there's going to be a time you're going to appreciate the rest and the sustenance."

EOEOEOEOEO

Olivia must have been more tired than she realized, because she woke up to find herself laying down on the couch, covered with a warm blanket. The fire was built high in the fireplace, and with the heavy sweater she was wearing, she bordered on being too warm.

The room was still bathed in weak, autumn light, but she reckoned it still couldn't be much more than noon. Even thought a lot had happened, the had both been up early. She could hear the floor creaking in the kitchen, and then she realized she could hear mumbled talking. Her first thought was that maybe Walt had stopped by. But it became apparent that it was a one-sided conversation, and she assumed Elliot must be on the phone. She hadn't heard it ring, but then again, maybe that's what had woken her.

Olivia sat up, realizing that just like her, she hadn't seen Elliot on his phone since she'd been here. He hadn't checked messages or called anyone, unless he'd done it while she was in the shower or sleeping, or when he'd gone to town. Her curiosity was piqued, and she wondered who he was talking to. The most logical answer was one of his kids, but in then she heard his voice get a little louder. He was arguing, or at least talking insistently, with whomever was on the other end of that line. Her mind immediately went to Kathy, and her old, familiar guilt washed over her.

She'd never done anything to warrant it, but there had always been this undercurrent of…of…

She couldn't define it.

Olivia wondered what it would be like to send your husband off to work every day and put his life in someone else's hands, all the while knowing that the person you were trusting with your husband's life was perhaps the person you should trust the least. At least where your husband's fidelity was concerned.

Still…Olivia was reasonably certain Kathy knew they have never cheated. At least physically.

Intellectually…emotionally…

No guarantees there.

Olivia didn't want to eavesdrop, but she found herself straining to try to make out what Elliot was saying. He was clearly frustrated but was trying to keep his voice down. It was only seconds later that she heard his phone make contact with the counter, and a huge sigh followed. Olivia didn't know if she should pretend to still be asleep or call out to him, but the point was moot as he walked into the living room just as she was laying back down.

Olivia pressed her lips together and gave him a small smile.

Elliot either didn't know she'd heard him on the phone, or he didn't care. "Good thing you weren't tired." He teased. He reached for her feet and lifted them up, settling himself on the couch and resting them on his lap. "You feeling better?"

"Yes." Olivia was watching his face as he stared into the fire. She could tell there was something on his mind. She waited him out, until her curiosity won out. "Just say whatever you want to say." She said, encouraging him.

Elliot tore his eyes away from the fire and looked back at her. He considered her for a moment. Her hair had dried, and it had a natural wave to it. She wasn't wearing any makeup any longer, and there was a smattering of freckles beneath her eyes and over the bridge of her nose. And her eyes…dark brown…soulful. He could get lost in those eyes. "Sometimes…" He reached out and took her hand in his. "God, you take my breath away."

Olivia felt a flush creep into her cheeks, feeling every bit of the emotion in his words as he said them. It wasn't what she'd been expecting.

"When I first came up here, I was running from something. From everything. I'm sure I rattled off a list of reasons to Walt…and to myself. After some time, what I realized that maybe I wasn't running. I was searching for something. Answers. Resolution. Forgiveness. Peace." Elliot shook his head. "I don't even know. Except now…I was sitting there watching you while you slept, and I was thinking about the moment you showed up here, and everything that's happened since. Everything we've said to each other, and everything we didn't…" He let out a choked laugh. "And I realized that I'm like fucking Dorothy. The Wizard didn't do a goddamn thing for her. Everything she ever wanted was in front of her the entire time."

Olivia was speechless at the depth of what Elliot had revealed. It made her realize that they had both grown and changed in the time they'd been apart. She sat up and reached out, placing a hand lightly on Elliot's shoulder. She looked into his eyes, and they were shimmering with unshed tears. She had never seen him cry, and she realized just how much of himself he was giving here.

"It was just like you said. A part of me was missing when I wasn't with you, and I didn't realize why I couldn't find the answers up here." He took in a deep breath and let it out slowly, feeling a weight lifted from him. "I'm coming back to New York with you." He said firmly. "I've abandoned my kids and I've abandoned you and whatever demons I've got to fight, I want you by my side."

Olivia was stunned. She slid her hand down his arm until she covered his and squeezed lightly. "Are you sure?" She asked softly.

Elliot nodded. "Yeah. I'm sure." He motioned towards the kitchen. "That was Kathy was on the phone. I called to tell her that I was coming back to the city and she told me how much Eli has been missing me." He shook his head. "I've missed too much."

"You told her before we talked about it?" Olivia asked.

"Did you hear a word I just said?"

"Yes, but…" She hesitated. "If you're not ready…"

Elliot cut her off. "'I've made my decision, and this is what I need to do. What I _want_ to do." He needed to make sure he was clear. "I'm not coming back to the job Liv. And I'm not going to ask you to leave yours again…at least not today. Although…I _am_ going to check out this new partner of yours." He said, trying to add a little levity.

"Nick's a good guy." She shot back with a light punch to his arm. She could only imagine what that meeting would be like.

"We'll see." Elliot said, but he had a small smile on his face. He could feel the tension starting to drain from his body. He had made a decision, and he felt good about it. He raised an eyebrow at her. "So…can I come to New York with you?"

"Well…" Olivia pretended to think about it, until he poked her lightly in the side. She let out a small laugh. "I guess that would be OK." She rolled her eyes at him. "I suppose you're going to want to stay with me." She pretended to be annoyed when in reality, her mind was trying to catch up with these recent changes.

"And you'll love it." He teased back, reaching for her hand again. "Honestly…I can't promise you that it's always going to be easy. You know how I can get sometimes…" He gave her a crooked grin.

Olivia gave him a small smile. "Yeah…" She said, tangling her fingers between his. "I know." She let out an exaggerated sigh. "What's going to happen when you piss me off? Because it's going to be a matter of when, not if." She teased, tugging on his hand.

"Well…" He moved closer, forcing Olivia to lean back slightly. "I'm sure I'll be able to find a way to make it up to you." He wiggled both eyebrows at her, a lust-filled grin on his face.

Olivia giggled, and she couldn't quite believe that sound had come from her. "Okay…and what happens when _I_ piss you off?" Olivia asked, looking up at him with wide-eyed innocence.

Elliot tangled his fingers in her hair. "You're going to find a way to make it up to me." He said, his voice deep and throaty.

"Why do I feel like I'm going to be spending most of my time in bed?" Olivia teased, pushing against his chest with her hand, forcing him to fall back slightly.

Elliot laughed. "I might just start a few arguments on purpose."

"You're ridiculous." Olivia said, laughing along with him.

"I'm being serious." He said, but his tone said he was anything but.

"You don't need to start an argument." Olivia said. She pushed back on his chest again, until he was sitting back in his original spot at the end of the couch. She slid her leg across his lap and straddled him, noting the surprised, but very intrigued look on Elliot's face. She traced her fingers across his forehead and down his cheeks and planted a kiss on his lips, feeling so incredibly happy at how things were turning out.

"I like where this is going…" Elliot said. He reached up and framed her face with his left hand, his expression and demeanor turning serious. He caressed her cheek softly with his thumb, just staring at the woman before him. The dark brown of her eyes and the mix of light and fire they held…the smile on her face that was just for him…and the look of promise and hope on her face. "I love you so much." He whispered softly.

Olivia's smile widened, never feeling more loved in her life. "I love you."

"If this is what the rest of my life looks like…" Elliot let out a heavy sign. "I'm so fucking happy right now."

Olivia wrapped her arms around him and hugged him tightly. "Me too."

Elliot put his hands on her shoulders and pushed her back slightly. "Just promise me one thing." He said.

"Anything." She meant it.

"Promise me that we can come up here sometimes…because I have to say…there are a lot of things I'm going to miss about this place."

"Walt?"

Elliot nodded and smiled. "Amongst other things."

"I promise." Olivia let out a sigh. "I'm starting to have an appreciation for this place too. For the peace and quiet." Olivia sat back slightly, looking into Elliot's eyes. "We'll definitely have to make a point to come up here."

Elliot nodded in agreement, but then asked the question he'd been dreading. "How much time do we have left?" He trailed his hands down her arms until they landed at her waist.

"I need to be at work on Monday." Olivia said.

"So, we have to head back to the city tomorrow?"

Olivia nodded. She had lost track of the days but had been dragged back into reality with Cragen's last call.

He had made the decision to go back with her, but the short timeline was a little hard to swallow.

Maybe it was for the best.

It didn't give him time to rethink it.

Elliot ran his hands down to her legs, finding the hem of the oversized sweater. He snuck his hand beneath the rough material until his hands found the bare skin at her waist. He leaned in and nuzzled the skin at her neck while his hands trailed up her bare back. Olivia leaned her head back, granting him better access, and he suckled and teased the sensitive skin. He kissed his way up to her ear and bit down lightly on her earlobe. "I suppose we should start packing." He whispered.

"Yeah." Olivia said, but it came out more like a moan. She dug her fingers into his shoulders and lifted her head. "Or…" She grasped his lips in hers, sucking his bottom lip gently as he continued to draw random patterns against her skin with his fingers. She released his mouth, her lips ghosting his lightly. "We could christen the cabin one last time."

Elliot grinned. "I like the way you think Benson." He pushed them off the couch, keeping hold on her as he stood. Olivia wrapped her legs around his waist as he moved them towards the bedroom. Elliot nuzzled her ear as they moved. "I think this is the beginning of a beautiful partnership."

The End

 _AN: I really intended this to be the last chapter, and I think it works. But a part of me wants them to go to the city and to see what happens. Or I can start a new story. Thoughts?_


End file.
